05-18-09

And I miss Michael.

And I'm horny. lol

I'm bored. And I miss Michael way more than I usually do. Usually, I think of him every once in awhile, and I'm fine, but today I miss him really bad. Maybe because I know that he's going away for the weekend, and I won't be seeing him. Maybe that's a good thing though, as Memorial Day Weekend tends to swamp my brain with too many memories to process...

It might also be good to help me get over some trust issues. Michael has this friend named Jesse, who slept in Michael's bed with him the other night...and this boy is going on this trip with Michael this weekend (as are several other friends) - and most of me trusts him when he says nothing happened with this guy and nothing will happen, but the other part of me remembers guys like Gene Warrick and Travis Kelly who screwed me over in such situations numerous times, so all these red flags go up and I feel...insecure and vulnerable, and I've avoided situations where I'll feel that way for some time now, but either he'll cheat or he won't, and there's not much I can do about it. I have to let this happen, yet it hurts part of me; it's painful reliving the past through current circumstances, even if history isn't repeating itself through the actions of my boyfriend - all the feelings that I felt in the previous experiences keep coming back to haunt me and it's very much like having a panic attack; it's this overwhelming tidal wave of emotion that leaves me feeling helpless and overly sensitive. But I don't want to be the boyfriend that's constantly worried about my partner...but at this point that's what I am. And it sucks.

09:32 PM: [Blog Excerpt]

My mom left me a message saying she needed to talk to me. I called her and apparently my grandparents want me to sing at their wedding anniversary, when they renew their vows. I'm to sing with my sister Janice and they've picked a song but I have no clue what it is. It makes me nervous, but at the same time it's kind of blessing as I think it might interest Mark into going, even though he boycotts anything to do with weddings. I'm going to see if Michael can go too, though I don't know if he can get a Saturday off - it's June 13th.