I met Michael Eisinger on gay chat site gay.com sometime between September & November 2007; we contested the date several times, but we both agree that we were chatting by early November and that by November 24th we were officially dating. Things were rocky at first. We didn't seem to mesh very well, and was honest with Michael about this point, telling him that I wasn't sure we were meant to be together, but he persisted. He was very caring and affectionate and thoughtful so I continued on and eventually we found a very nice balance that worked for us. I was going through an extremely difficult time physically and emotionally at that time, pertaining to my long misdiagnosed stomach troubles, but Michael was patient and no matter what came up he was there for me, and I for him. Yet it wasn't feeling like a relationship to me so much as the beginning of a really great friendship.
We dated for 4 months. Things were almost always good between us. I think we had 2 serious arguments, but they were soon swept aside. We had an amazing sex life. He enjoyed watching all the tv shows I enjoyed watching, becoming very passionate about things that most people would have criticized me for. And everything was good. Except that it started feeling like he was falling in love with me, which at that time, I wasn't feeling. If he hadn't felt that way I'd have been very happy to continue as we were, but that just wasn't the case and I didn't want him to be hurt so I ended it. I was extremely honest with him about why I was ending the relationship and that what I really wanted from him was friendship and thankfully, luckily, he was able to come to terms with that and several months of intense friendship began.
Soon I was dating again. I dated a boy named Jordan, or I tried to, but no matter what I tried it just didn't seem to work. I kept comparing him to Michael. The same happened with several men that hit on me, and I didn't even bother to date them. Michael & I continued to be friends with benefits, which muddied the issue more than I can explain, and I started realizing that my feelings for Michael were deeper than I had suspected. I decided I was going to tell him, and hope he forgave me for being so confusing. lol
During this time Michael had begun hanging out with a boy named Christopher Reynolds, who obviously had a crush on Michael, but Michael told me on several occasions that it was nothing and would never happen, so I wasn't worried about that at all; I didn't feel threatened. But before I spoke to Michael again, I spoke to Chris online and he confessed that he was in love with Michael. This put me in an awkward position; especially since it became obvious through what he was telling me that he wasn't aware that Michael and were still lovers. I didn't want to hurt Chris and I didn't want to lose Michael, but I told Michael that he had to tell Chris that Michael & I were still lovers if he wanted to continue seeing me, and he did. I thought this would let Chris down gently, and that he would lose interest and when that blew over I'd tell Michael what I was feeling, without any chance of that hurting Chris. I felt like I was taking the high road and felt really good about this decision.
Around this time, word was getting out that Chris was spending a lot of money on Michael. He bought him an expensive 'Face of Boe' toy, and other things. This worried me, as I now knew that Chris had a thing for Michael, and that Michael didn't have a thing for him - and that if Michael allowed Chris to continue spending on him that he was leading him on in some way. Michael defended his actions by saying that Chris knew that Michael would never date him; that he told Chris this at every opportunity, and that the thought of having sex with Chris was disgusting. This didn't make me feel better. This made me feel worse for Chris, who I now sympathized with. Also around this time, Chris got some kind of message on his computer from someone claiming to be a friend who said that Michael was just using Chris for his money and Michael asked me if it had been me. It wasn't me, but I could understand why friends would see it that way, and I told him so, but he again dodged the subject. I decided that Michael must just really like the attention; that he liked that someone cared enough to spend that kind of money on him. That it wasn't about him WANTING the money, but something else.
Weeks passed. Chris and Michael planned to move in together. Michael started saying 'we' & 'us' instead of I & me, referring to him and Chris. They went on a trip to D.C. together, and then another weekend trip to a hotel. And all during this time I kept my peace, trusting Michael and expecting this madness to end so I could tell Michael what I'd now been feeling for months. Only that didn't happen. I'd joke about Michael & Chris being a couple, because that's what everyone was saying and it was starting to bother me, but Michael shot that down every time saying that he wasn't attracted to Chris and that Chris was more than aware of this.
I was again chatting with Chris on line when I confronted him and asked him why he continued to dote on Michael (unpacking Michael's stuff when they had just moved in together), and buying him expensive gifts (he's just bought Michael a computer) when he knew that Michael wasn't interested in him. Chris told me that Michael had told him no such thing and that he'd told Chris that they could go 'on some dates'. This broke me. Either Chris was lying, or Michael was lying...and if Michael was lying he might be lying to Chris and I both. We were all supposed to hang out that night (Wednesday 09-10-08), but I texted Michael and cancelled. We spoke on the phone later and he told me that one night when he and Chris were out together, that Chris ask that it be called a date. He also told me that he had told Chris that if he changed certain behaviors that he might go out with him and that looks weren't everything (which still sounded pretty insulting to me). And Michael sounded extremely upset that I'd spoken Chris about the things he'd told me in the past, even though he'd told me at the time that these were things that he'd already said to Chris. I was hurt terribly by this.
I tried to put it behind me. I decided that Michael was worth forgiving. I mean, sure he told a few lies, but so had I. I had never told him that I was in love with him. Sure, I was trying to protect someone's feelings, but maybe that's what Michael was doing with Chris too. Basically, I was looking for any angle I could use to get passed all the ugly stuff that had cropped up and get to the loving part. Only the next time Michael and I hung out it seemed that not only could he barely finish a sentence without mentioning Chris, but they were now wearing matching rings as well. He insisted they weren't a couple and that he still wasn't interested in Chris that way, but to see that ring on his finger and hear him talk was like this perversion of everything that I wanted from him...and it hurt me so much that I couldn't bare to look at him. I told him that I couldn't sleep with him anymore; that it didn't feel like he was single. There was no reaction. I thought that maybe if I didn't sleep with him anymore things would be better between us and that I'd get over him. But it wasn't working. It was awful. I knew I had to tell him goodbye, at least for awhile so I could heal. And on Sunday, September 28, that's what I did; I told him the truth about how I'd been in love with him for months and that I'd tried to spare Chris's feelings but that it was just getting too painful. He didn't react at all. He didn't blink. He didn't look like he cared at all. He just stood there with a little smile on his face and told me that he didn't know what I wanted him to say.
I was stunned, and hurt by his reaction. When he'd confessed his love for me when I'd broken up with him I held his hand and wept with him. I was there for him. When he had questions about how we could continue to be friends I answered as best as I could and was completely open with what I was feeling and how much I wanted to be his friend; how he'd done nothing wrong, and that I simply wasn't in the same place that he was. And now that the tables were turned, he couldn't or wouldn't be there for me, and that felt like a terrible betrayal. Send in the Clowns.
I didn't hate him. I didn't understand him. I hoped that what he & Chris had was more than what Michael had told me it was and that they'd both be happy. And I hoped that the empty feeling I had inside would go away soon. And also, that in time we could all be friends again without it hurting any of us.
A little time passed. I knew that Michael's birthday was approaching, but I have a terrible time remembering that kind of stuff. I remember a select few of my friends' birthdays, but there's always some random reason why those dates get stuck in my brain - almost like word association. For other people, like my parents, and relatives and random friends, and ex-boyfriends I rely on notes I've kept or myspace or facebook to remind me, and even then I often forget. I didn't want to forget Michael's. I knew it was in the October/November range. I went to check his myspace page, only I couldn't find it. I just figured that I'd lost him in the shuffle. Then I tried his facebook page...only he wasn't there either. He'd deleted me from his friends list. This hurt me. Not only wasn't he there to comfort me as I'd been there for him, he'd apparently completely written me off. I'd told him that I needed a break, but I didn't mean that I wanted to be out of his life forever. I couldn't understand what was going on. I talked to him the day Obama was elected. I talked to him a few other random times, and he always seemed pissed at me. One of those times was on his birthday, but I didn't know it was his birthday thanks to him - it was so extremely frustrating. This continued for several months, with us not talking at all.
On Wednesday March 4, 2009, I was chatting in the Ann Arbor room on gay.com. Michael was in there, and after an hour or so he sent me a private message to ask me about some other guy in the chat room. This gave me the opportunity to ask him about the troubles we've had recently. He was upset about things I'd written in my personal blog about him. I'm guessing he meant this entry, that was written right after I said goodbye to him. I told him how much he'd hurt me that night and that my words weren't intended to hurt him, but were an expression of my own suffering, and asked him to forgive me. He did. And though it was unspoken, I took the quick forgive as a kind of apology for his behavior that night as well. We agreed that trust would take time, but we started talking again. He asked me if I was going to be upset if he talked about Chris now, and I told him that I had no reason to be upset. We were no longer lovers, and I was no longer in love with him. He said that was good and that he and Chris were now in an open relationship. Chris started chatting with me too. I wished them both the best, and I meant it. ;-0)
It turned out that Chris had recently had a really hot dream about us having a 3-way. Michael liked the idea too, listing off several hot scenarios and Chris talking about condoms and things, and even suggesting that they could come over that night, but I was a bit overwhelmed. The idea was extremely hot, but I needed time to make sure I was really cool with it all. I was happy to see them as more of a couple, but I just wanted to be sure that we were all on equal footing and that no one would be hurt. Especially after going months without talking to them; I didn't want to fuck up our suddenly renewed friendships.
About 3 weeks later: We all still talk. The Three-Way hasn't happened, though I'm a lot more comfortable with the idea. Chris seems less comfortable with it now, and maybe Michael is too; I've not really discussed it with him in as much detail as I have with Chris. This makes me think it was probably a good idea to wait. If it happens, that would be hot. If not, that's ok too, though I do want it to happen more now than I did before. I suppose if it doesn't happen I'll be slightly disappointed. But what matters is that we keep communicating. At least that's what matters to me.
-----------------------------------------------------------
In the early weeks of April I started dating a new boyfriend named Michael Slaughter. This pretty much confirms that the threesome idea isn't going to happen, but Michael and Chris and I are still on good terms, and no disappointment could wipe out the great feeling that our continued friendly communication brings me. We still talk about hanging out, and hopefully we will.
Bald Jason
April 15, 2009