Tuesday, September 23, 2008

About Michael.

So some of this is old news and people may want to skip it. This is a simplified version of events, but I don't feel like writing the whole sorted story out again...

I started dating Michael a little less than a year ago. The date is conjectured, but we know for sure that we started actually dating and not just chatting, sometime in November of 2007. Things went very well, and I was enjoying myself quite a lot. But I felt like Michael was falling in love with me, and I wasn't falling in love back. And since that imbalance would undoubtedly bite us in the ass later, I called it quits; just in time as he was about to confess his love for me. We managed to remain friends, and not long after we decided to continue as lovers.

I tried to date other people, which didn't really work. Michael starting hanging out with this guy Chris, who was hot for him. I asked Michael mutliple times if this was something that could become something more and he shot that down everytime I brought it up. My thinking at the time, was that if he & Chris had a shot I was going to back off so as not to be a problem for them (or myself).

So we continued as we were, and everything seemed fine. About this time I started realizing I had deeper feelings for Michael. But also in this time I found that Chris had deeper feelings for Michael too, and as Chris had confided this in me, I felt weird about pursuing more with Michael. But since Michael had assured me that nothing was going to happen with Chris I felt safe just standing by and waiting for that ship to sail so I could move on with Michael.

Only that ship didn't sail. It's anchored in port, and according to both Chris and Michael now there is a chance for them to date. Michael insists that for now they are only just roomies (they moved in together), but he contsantly talks about Chris now, and he seldom if ever uses the pronouns I or me - it's always us & we, referring to Chris. They go on trips together. They go to hotels together. They are now wearing matching rings. And everytime I hear him say "we" or "us" to casually refer to them, it stings. It actually feels like all the things that I was feeling have been turned inside out and turned into this horrible parody of what I had imagined.

But I don't want to pursue Michael now, because that makes it look like I'm just jumping on him out of jealousy, when that isn't the case at all; I was planning on continuing with Michael once this drama was behind us all. Now everything feels tainted. Even if Michael felt the same way for me, Chris is still his roomie and they're so entrenched in each others lives now that I can't overcome them; it's like Chris is always there, even when he's not - like some kind of deadly infection or weed that my doctor/gardner told me was benign. Not that I dislike Chris as a person...just the situation sucks. And the thing is, I would have backed off and probably not started having these feelings in the first place if Michael had just told me that he was interested in Chris when they first started hanging out. If I'd known that Chris was even the slightest of mild possibilities I would have left Michael Town long before I was infested with love cooties. lol. But now here we are and I'm very jealous, and very hurt, and I don't want to be that guy. I refuse to be that guy.

And the thing is, this isn't a terrible tragedy, no matter how much it sucks. I don't need a boyfriend. I mean, I want one, and feel cheated out of one, but the world isn't going to end because I don't have one. lol. But it hurts, and it hurts everytime I see Michael now. So...I'm leaning towards us not communicating anymore. At least for awhile. I think we need some distance. This way he & Chris can give it their best shot... And I can have the healing time to not want to shoot myself in the face everytime I think of them together.

I don't think any of us went out trying to hurt one another, which I'm proud of. I broke up with Michael with the best of intentions. I remained friends with him, for the same reasons. Chris fell for Michael, not to hurt me; he couldn't help it. Michael was dishonest about certain things, but so was I, and Chris probably was too. If I had been honest we might be together right now, and if Michael had been honest I might never have fallen for him...so maybe it wasn't meant to be anyways. Besides the fact that they seem to go very well together, and are probably a better couple than we'd ever be. So maybe it's best to just let them go about their business in peace while I move on.

I just want to take this moment to acknowledge that I fell in love with Michael Eisinger. And while trying to take the high road, I fell on my face. lol. It's funny in a sad way. I'll survive. We'll all survive. And that's ok. And I just need to say that before I can move on.

Do I regret anything? Sure. Yeah. I do. But assuming there's a next time, I won't wait to say what I'm feeling. Lesson learned.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:13 AM
   [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [Comments Welcome Here]