Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I haven't been writing in my blog the last few days. Not much has happened. Moments of joy, and moments of complete darkness. I'm having a down kind of day. No reason for it that I can see. I just feel very separate...very lonely.

I got a telephone call from my mother yesterday (I think it was), which is a rare thing, and we had a really nice chat. It made me smile. We talked about some of the things we say when we seen one another, but we also talked about my father, which usually puts her off, but she opened up about some things instead, which was really nice.

I went to Necto Monday night, and I had a really good time. Chatting with new friends (Amanda & her peeps), and dancing quite a bit. Bobby was there with a friend of his; hadn't seen him on a Monday night in ages.

I miss my job. I miss having money. But I think the part I miss most is going into work somewhere in which I knew what was expected of me and I was able to do it, while tapping my own knowledge and helping people. I was depended on, and appreciated. And I worked with friends, so I was always seeing people I cared about. I miss that. I don't think I'd be as down as I am now if I had that back...but it's just not possible.

After that disappointment, and then the school / health thing coming crashing down, it's no wonder I've been so down. Seeing Sean again didn't really help. I mean, it was great to see him, but it reminded me of things I want but don't have; things I've lost, and things I've never had.

I didn't read any of my book this weekend, so I read a lot of it yesterday, and some more today. I'm enjoying it.

I had a one night stand last night. I don't know how I feel about it. It was pretty much on my terms, and it was a no strings attached kind of thing. The guy was a gentleman. Gave me a full body massage, which really helped my tension levels. And I got off spectacularly... which is more than I can say for any other recent encounters. But usually when I do something like this, there's a feeling behind it - some connection I've made with the person that lets me know I won't regret it (in fact I'm usually energised by it) - this was different. It was more a surrendering of myself to needs that I don't usually acknowledge. I'll think about it some more I'm sure.

I had nightmares last night. I was fighting serial killers. And I was kicking ass, but I still woke up feeling frightened. And I felt old. I don't usually feel old. I usually feel sort of young and inexperienced. But the dream left me feeling ancient. And lately I've been thinking about death a lot. I know it's something that most people struggle with, but it's started to hit me right before I sleep; I'll be laying there and it will hit me that one day I'm going to stop breathing, and it seems overwhelming and terrible. Yet...I've never feared suicide. I'm starting to think that the helplessness; the not having a choice in the matter is what truly terrifies me. Or not. I don't know.

All this fear of death is bringing up memories of reading "The Vampire Lestat" (of all things) back in 1991. In the book Lestat, when human, realizes that he will one day die and is overwhelmed by this; far more than I have been. And his mother tells him something like he'll be fine, and that death is just spoiling life for a little while. And he goes off and he does (for the most part) put this out of his mind and enjoy life. My memory calls up this kind of stuff. I don't think I've ever reread that book, and it just pops into my head at random 17 years later.

I've got "Sugar" by Tori Amos (the live version from "To Venus and Back") blasting in my room. It seems to fit my mood for some reason. Like I'm clawing my way back to the surface of something.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:45 PM
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