Sunday, September 11, 2005

I napped on & off after the last entry; watched some Xena & Herc, with sleep in between. Don't know why I was so tired; maybe it was my body fighting off infection? I don't know. I finally got up for good around 11pm. I decided I needed a shave & shower which made me feel really good, and then I thought I might stop by the Aut Bar. I didn't really think I'd have any fun, but I felt like if I didn't get out of the condo I'd explode; like I was in limbo or something. I had originally thought I'd work on my webpage, but that seemed likes such a downer.

When I got to the bar I ran into Scott, a boy I've known for a couple of years. We're both very attracted to each other, but we're not really compatable; sometimes we forget this, because it seems to0 horrible to be true. That's what happened tonight. I gave him a ride back to his place, and we kissed, and he asked me in (just to talk) which lasted maybe a half hour. Good conversation actually, and we talked about why we haven't been having sex with people lately, and we both seemed to have the same answer which was nice - except he then wanted sex with me, and I wanted something more than just sex.

Is that so wrong? Can't I have sex and have it be more and have it not be that big a deal? What's wrong with men? Or is it just me? I don't know - but it was kind of nice, and kind of horrible at the same time. So much wanting, but so much not. It was terrible. I do find him attractive, as my hardon kept insisting, which made it nearly impossible to just leave - it went on & on, not quite beautiful and not quite hell. We didn't fuck as we both wanted, but we did just about everything else, though only in bursts; never for long. I got dressed to leave a dozen times and he'd start undressing me, and I'd be so hard it hurt. We didn't cum before I left, but I felt sort of bruised all over; like I'd been assaulted, which I wasn't; I did everything of my own accord; it was just a feeling. He kept telling that I worry too much and that it was just sex, but that was kind of the problem for me. It also came out that he's republican, and voted for Bush which only added to my guilt at not controlling my cock better. Before the end of the night I told him we could do something on Monday, but now I don't know that I want to. I'll see how I feel later, and either way, I'll call him. Maybe we could have one little outing, while he's sober to seal the deal on us as just being friends.

I just... It was only 2 or 3 years ago that I was fucking anything that I wanted and it was FUN - and I don't know what changed... Actually I do; I changed. I realized that while I was having a lot of fun sex, that it had been ages since I'd slept with someone that I truly enjoyed as a person. But still, I didn't think it would take so long to find someone like that. Tony was like that, and yet we have that whole non-communication thing going. I don't like to wait to have sex, and yet I do want to wait - it's a pretty masochistic state of being. I don't know. I need to take a shower, and I need to go to sleep.

I've now been with 3 people this year, more or less, and while that's way less than usual for me, I feel like a whore. Yet of the 3 people, 2 of them I'd been with before this year, and one of them I had known, and been attracted to for more than a decade, so even though my behavior hasn't completely fallen into line with what I understand that I want - it has changed. That's something at least.

I don't know what's wrong with me.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:58 AM
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