Thursday, December 16, 2004

I had a dream about Kevin Clark yesterday. I dreamed that he and Laurie visited me at my parent's house, which was apparently my home. Kevin's legs were wooden; actually carved out of wood. He was laying down on my sofa and I told him that no one was buying the sick routine; he got very angry and stood up, which was a miracle in the dream, and he laughed and laughed, but then it was time for Laurie & Kevin to leave and I was lonely.

After waking from the dream I had to go to work, which is isn't often a bad thing, but I just didn't feel like being there. The night before (Tuesday night) was our annual Christmas get-together at our manager DJ's house, which was nice, but I had a horrible headache. I left about 1:30am, sped to Kroger's, bought some alcohol (a very rare thing for me) and some Advil Migraine, took the pills with water, went home, took a scalding hot shower & fell into bed. It's tiring just writing that shit out.

After I picked up Mark from work we set up our Nightmare Before Christmas Tree, then I watched the first half of Season 8 of Friends. I know, I'm a loser for spending that much time watching a lame TV show...but I'm a loser who laughed a lot in that time spent in my room relaxing and staring at my monitor. ;-0) I haven't gone out on a Wednesday night in a long while; just isn't a priority for me right now.

I went to the Staples Christmas Bowling Party, Sunday night. I don't work at Staples but my best friend Mollie does, and her manager Jennifer (who amuses me to no end) invited me. It was a lot of fun, with some random confusing moments, mostly having to do with seeing my most recent "lover" there. He & I hooked up about 6 months ago, after years of flirting, had a lot of fantastic sex, and then he stopped calling & e-mailing me.

His name is Paul.

I don't think he really loves himself all that much, which is sad, because he's really a great guy. He's got some God issues, me thinks; religious and gay, always a confusing combination. He doesn't want to be OUT at work, but everyone knows he's gay; I mean, the boy flames so much that blind people know he's gay. He's hated PDA's which was annoying, but he doesn't smoke, and I liked his body, and the way we kissed, and when we were alone together, it was really great (not just the sex)... And while I've never cried about him not calling, I have, from time to time, wished he was with me. I haven't dated anyone since I last saw him (though we were never officially dating); I just... I don't know. It's stupid. When I spoke to him Sunday he said he'd e-mail me that night, and call me later this week; he didn't. I knew he wouldn't, but it sucks.

So I haven't dated in a while. I did have sex though. I had sex this week, for the first time in months. His name is Marcus. It was nice; a release; hot in it's way, but it's not what I'm after. I'm not upset that I did it, in fact I think it did a lot of good... it was just lacking something.

One of the reasons that the novel Giovanni's Room is my favorite novel is that so many of the passages are relevant to my life. I'm sure they are relevant to many peoples' lives which is why James Baldwin was such an amazing author. This conversation from Giovanni's Room was basically played out in my mind:

"You think," he persisted, "that my life is shameful because my encounters are. And they are. But you should ask yourself why they are."

"Why are are they -- shameful?" I asked him.

"Because there is no affection in them, and no joy. It's like putting an electric plug in a dead socket. Touch, but no contact. All touch, but no contact and no light"

I asked him: "Why?"

"That you must ask yourself," he told me, "and perhaps one day, this morning will not be ashes in your mouth."
----------------

My recent encounter wasn't shameful, per say. For there was affection, and there was honesty and conversation. But joy? Perhaps that's what it lacked. I don't know exactly. There was a degree of depth, but...not the abyss that I seem to be longing for, even if I'm a bit afraid of drowning. It may happen again; it's happened 3 times now. My cock loved it after all. He really brings the TOP out in me, which is nice... Marcus is a great guy, and he turns me on physically, but he doesn't draw me out emotionally.

Wow. I have a lot of e-mail that I should be replying to. I have so many great friends. ;-0) And I've met some great people online in the last few weeks. I updated my website a few weeks ago; making it perhaps, too graphic, but people seem to have responded to it, which is a nice feeling. I don't know when I'll have the time to continue the process...but it's always growing. This new blog is a part of that.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:29 AM
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