Wednesday, July 1, 2009

I called Michael back after the last entry, but it went right to his voicemail. I called him again and it went through. We talked for a bit. I was feeling 99% better at this point, as writing in my blog and talking to him about it made me feel like the damage was minimal. We have some trust issues, but we already had some trust issues. There were circumstances, that make it more understandable and I completely forgive him for the lie. It's only my crazy fucked up brain that is going to remember that lie and the way I believed it that will cause any problems, and I really think I'll get over that in time. I love him and want to be with him, and now I have the chance to really enjoy my party - because I'll be prepared...but Michael is taking this terribly. Like...on the phone he sounded destroyed. It was bringing me down again.

We also talked about Scott moving it. I told him that I didn't approve of it. I told him that Scott had pretty much been a dick to him since day one, and had continued to be a dick to him for YEARS, even though Michael supported his ungrateful ass. Michael's family, which obviously cares for him, can't stand Scott. Michael's other roomies have mixed feelings about Scott; I know that Melissa was recently feeling manipulated by him. Mark, who's only met Scott once I think, and who has had very little info on him, knew that Scott was bad news. Scott HIT Michael. Scott tried to get Michael fired from his job. He lied to Michael's employers! That's a crime! That's SLANDER! And so no. I don't like him. I don't want Michael to have anything to do with him. I don't want Michael to have that living with him. It can only lead to more stress and upset. And the fact that Michael wants to do this and keep it from his family just says to me that he's ashamed of the decision, or he wouldn't feel the need to hide it from them. Ugh.

So...I got a call from my friend Carrie, who I've not seen in ages. She wanted to meet up in Kerrytown, which is within walking distance of my place. I took a shower and talked on the phone with Michael on my way there. Michael spilled the beans that Mollie is going to be in Michigan on the 14th (she's taking a bus) and that she'll be here for 2 weeks. I was a little annoyed to have these details, as I was still hoping for some surprise and I wasn't going to ask anymore questions about the party - only Michael sounded so broken that I didn't know how to tell him to stop telling me this stuff. He also told me that my friend Chris was in on the party plan. It was so weird, because I was feeling way better, and Michael was bringing me back down - and I was worried about him, but felt almost...manipulated. I don't think he was trying to do that at all, but that's the closest word I can come up with for what I was feeling. I mean, I was the one that was lied too...and I was getting over it and feeling so much better about things, and he was dragging me back down.

He let me go, sounding suicidal. There's this massive emotional turmoil with him now. And I don't know how to pull him out of it. It's sweet that he feels bad that he hurt me, but it's like he can't seen anything else. He can't see that I'm ok and I understand the circumstances and that I'm ready to move on and continue where we left off. I want to work through this. And it almost sounds like he's ready to give up. And it's hurting me. I don't know what to do.

Carrie stopped into this place and got some tea. I got an Emerald Pineapple smoothie. We sat outside and talked and talked. We went inside and sat and talked and talked. We went back to my place and talked and talked. It was glorious. It was nice to touch base with her and it was like old times, only...different. We've both grown up a lot, and it was evident in our conversation. We're adults now. And that's ok. That's great, actually. We talked until after 2am, but I was exhausted. I was ready to go to bed around 11pm, but it was so great I didn't want it to end. I eventually retired, but left Mark talking to Carrie.

I had told Michael I would call him when my visit was over so I did. He said he'd slept a little, but was watching Justice League now. He still sounded like he was dying. It hurt to hear him sound that way. I went right to sleep after we said goodbye, though the light was on in my room, and I was fully dressed.

I woke up around 11am. I read the news. I saw Mark off to work. I did the facebook thing. I downloaded True Blood and last week's The Closer. Michael just texted me and says he'll be over in a couple hours. Today is our 3 month anniversary.

I want to take a shower...and I'd like to go for another walk. I like that I've been getting more exercise, and while I've still been eating the same junk, I've been trying to eat less of it, which I feel good about.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:26 PM
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