Saturday, August 8, 2009

Just woke up. I could probably go right back to sleep. I had good dreams. Those odd crazy dreams that I love so much. No point and going over them now...but they were good.

I didn't get to read much Watchmen last night as Michael and I had a long phone conversation in which we both cried and laughed and yelled and I'm not sure we're going to survive much longer. I don't want it to end, but he's crazy jealous of Mark. He's upset that Mark was at Cedar Point, but I asked if Mark could come (as he'd already driven me to Sandusky Ohio and it didn't seem fair to just have him leave, though Mark had no problem with going) and he said it was fine - only he was lying, so as not to be rude. Because lying isn't rude apparently. He's mad that I asked Mark (who was closer to me and had sunblock on his hands) to put sunblock on my back (which to both Mark & I is completely non-sexual act), even though, before Mark did so, I offered the job to Michael (which he refused on the grounds that I had asked Mark first) - but he says he was forced to watch Mark "feel me up" when he'd just turned down the job himself. He thinks Mark is in love with me. He thinks the reason Mark is always looking at me is because Mark is head over heels in love with me. He thinks the reason Mark has pictures of him & I on his myspace page is because he's in love with me. He feels like Mark & I should be together and he's not good enough for me. I don't think any of that is accurate. I think Mark & I have a very special relationship that transcends that bullshit, and Michael is a very jealous person who wants me to be all his all of the time, and I am. I'm his boyfriend. We sleep in the same bed. We have sex. We laugh and talk. I tell him things I've never told anyone before (like the fact that I hate surprise parties and why I hate them - and then he tries to throw me one. Or I tell him I had a suicidal thought during a spaz attack, not having told anyone else, and he yells at me for not telling him sooner) But he doesn't see it that way because the closest friend I've ever had just happened to have sex with me YEARS ago. Mark is jealous of Michael because if things between Mark & I had been different we could be a couple - but they weren't and they never will be and he accepts that. I understand that because I've experienced that with more than one ex-bf and it didn't mean I was in love with them anymore, it just meant that I saw what they had and recognized that that's something I could have had with them and that made me jealous. Michael is jealous of Mark because he sees him as a threat (I think), that maybe Mark & I have the closeness that Michael wants us to have right now - and that's impossible. That kind of closeness takes a long time, and Michael and I can totally make it there if he just chills...but the reverse isn't true for Mark - he and I will never be together as a couple ever again. We've both acknowledged that and discussed that many times. We are affectionate though, and it's just something that we don't think about because we've been so much to each other. We used to shower together (completely non-sexual) but that bothered Michael so I stopped and I was ok with that. Apparently Mark rubbed my shoulders one day and gave me a kiss (like you would give your grandma) and this really upset Michael (only he's just telling me now) and I'm sure it was something Mark and I didn't think of as anything at all, and if he'd said something at the time we would have apologised; we weren't trying to flaunt anything or disrespect him. I told Michael I'd talk to Mark about limiting our affectionate kisses in the future; that our touching would be reduced... But I'm not sure this will change the core of this. I mean...I don't like to go out. I just don't. And Michael wants to go for a walk sometime and I don't. And then the one day I feel like walking, Michael isn't here (because he's not here 24/7) and Mark is and he walks with me, and this translates to Michael as that I'd rather walk with Mark than him - when what it really means is that when I wanted to walk I did, and when I didn't want to walk I didn't. And that's all it means. It doesn't have anything to do with Mark. It doesn't have anything to do with Michael. And if Michael had been around he could have walked with me, and if Mark didn't want to go I'd have walked by myself. I just wonder what the next thing to bother Michael will be... Because I don't think he believes me when I tell him the Mark / Jason couple has been forever severed. I will not abandon Mark. He's closer than family and friend; that's something rare and something to be treasured and I know that. But I'm not complete with him. And while I'd be fine on my own I want a partner that can complete aspects of me that Mark can't. I want a boyfriend; a lover and confidante and a partner. Someone who understands me. And if that someone could understand that Mark isn't a threat to them in any way at all - that would be really cool.

My phone is dead and I don't know where my phone charger is.

It's raining.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:03 AM
   [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [1 Comments]