Friday, September 11, 2009

I slept from about 9:40pm - 1:30am. That's an improvement. I woke up happy, with giddy memories of exciting and funny dreams. And then I remembered Michael. I struggled to not think about him, but it all came bubbling up. While this sucks, I see this as a good sign. I actually considered not thinking about Michael and was able to keep juice down and sleep, plus I was relaxed when I went to bed. Somewhere in my mind I know these peace filled intervals will grow in number and length. I just have to hold on until they do.

When I got out of bed, I found that I had some texts. Jennifer didn't come over as I was asleep, but she's coming over tomorrow evening. Michael texted me at 11:45pm to let me know that his cat Misty has returned home. I'm glad.

I made a decision. I went to Mark and asked for a box. I'm going to box up as much stuff that reminds me of Michael and set it aside. I'm not going to burn it or toss it out, but I need to keep some of the painful stuff away from me until my mind can handle seeing such things.

I had some more cranberry juice, but was worried it would come back up and didn't enjoy it as much as earlier.

I took a shower, and just before I was to use it, I chose not to use the body wash that Michael had bought me. I sat it aside and decided I'll dump it and box the sweet smelling container, along with Michael's toothbrush and toothpaste. It's probably some weakness of mine that I don't just toss these things, but I have stuff like this from past relationships and I know that eventually they serve as a kind of headstone to the relationship that was.

Looking at the date & time I'm assailed by memories, both mine, and his. 3 weeks ago at around this time Michael was chatting with someone about sex. At 2:52 he left to meet this guy on N. Huron in Ypsi; not that far from where I live; after fucking that guy, later in the morning he sought out another fling, though he apparently didn't didn't accomplish his target goal - though a few hours after that he arrived at my house to take me to his grandmother's funeral. Last week around this time Michael and I were having sex for what was to be the last time in that relationship, though I didn't know it at the time. I took some grat pictures of my unfaithful boyfriend fucking me bareback; I thought them so beautiful and hot at the time. Now they just scare the hell out of me.

Michael just texted me. He wants to talk. I think I might be crying again soon.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:28 AM
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