Monday, September 14, 2009

I spoke to Carrie on the phone. She's unhappy where she is; it's nothing like she thought it would be, though she's making the most of a really crappy situation.

I talked to Micahel on the phone as well. I told him about a new puzzle piece of the past that I've put into place, and asked him about it. He's very sensitive about the subject of his indiscretions and accuses me of trying to hurt him, when I'm not. I just need the information that was denied me for months, and he's the only one who can give it to me. It hurts me that he could keep all that information to himself when it could possibly put my life at risk, and then when I finally find out the truth, he just wants to brush the past aside so we can go to the next level, but it just doesn't work that way. He says he's tired of being miserable everyday, but I might be miserable a lot between now and December (when my test results will be conclusive) and for some time into the future, because of what he chose to subject me to. I do believe he feels bad and some of his behavior since my discovery has felt like genuine remorse and change...I want to be with him, but not if he's going to pressure me to just skip over everything he did. That's not fair. And that's not even possible. I just don't know how he expects me to procede.

He also said that he hated seeing how this is hurting me, and I asked him how he thought this was going to turn out? I mean...how could he do something like that, over and over and not expect me to get hurt? His response was that he honestly thought that I would never find out. That killed me. I was shocked by that answer though I suppose I shouldn't have been. It didn't matter to him that he was putting my life or my health at risk while he was doing those things, but I held out hope that he at least, meant to tell me. I guess I was wrong. He didn't deny it. He just said he had to get back to work.

This scares me. This worries me. This fucking terrifies me. The idea that after all this mess, he'll just leave me to clean myself up all on my own... I've tried to understand and forgive and I've made so much progress in such a small amount of time. I mean, last week at this time I could hardly form words because I was in so much pain! He says he loves me. He says he needs me. If he leaves I guess I'll know that was all just more lies too.

I texted him my worries and he says he's not leaving me.

I hope it's true.

Anyways...I'm exhausted and should probably get some sleep. I might go to Necto later, but I might not. In the absence of it last week my love of deep sleep has been renewed; that might be too much to pull myself away from.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:04 PM
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