Saturday, October 24, 2009

Friday; dropped off my sample at the Doc's. Slept. I've had the runs for several days now. I can't eat a balanced diet to correct this as my jaw is all fucked up. Freaked out.

Watched some Sarah Jane. The first 2 eps of the season were ok. Nice to see the continuity. I'll maybe watch the next 2 episodes later.

I watched "The Plan". It was ok. It's a very cool addition to the series. I'm jealous of future viewers who can watch it without having to wait for it.

Michael has hip problems and they were bothering him last night (plus he'd had a really crappy day). I talked him into coming over so I could give him a massage, and a comfy bed (with snuggles) to sleep in. We had the safe sex (which is to mean I jacked us both off) - but I wanted to fuck HIM so bad. Rare that I want to Top with anyone. Rarer still that I want to fuck someone I generally bottom for. We both wanted it though...but couldn't have it. I'm proud that I controlled myself and nothing happened, but pissed off that we can't do these things because of what Michcael did. I hate him sometimes. And love him at others. And want to cry because all my memories are nightmares now.

But I love him. It's tough.

It was wonderful to cuddle and sleep with him. I used to do that with him all the time. He was cheating on me then though, the knowledge of which creeps into my brain at the least wanted moments and tries to ruin the best times. I hate my memory...and I hate him for ruining what was, for me, the best relationship since Mark. It was far from perfect, but relationships are never easy and I understand / understood that. But I never even suspected how terrible things really were.

I've been reading this vegan cookbook that Michael got me last month, and it's really interesting. I want to start setting stuff up for me cooking. A lot of the ingrediants are stuff I've never tried, or things I've had bad experiences with. I'd be willing to try the new stuff and give the others another go...I just don't know that I can afford such things right now.

My jaw is better than it has been, but still worse than usual. Really scared about that. Really scared.

And this constant diarrhea is starting to get painful, and more than a little annoying. Makes me just want to cuddle up in my bed and never leave.

I hate being on my own. I might read Poppy, or reread Harry Potter - or watch Classic Who, or Coraline & Twilight. Or... I don't know. I feel empty.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:27 AM
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