Tuesday, November 3, 2009

Went to get my results but they weren't in yet. That's never happened before, which has me even more freaked out. Made me remember the 1 time I ever let Michael cum inside me. It was my 35th Birthday. Just a few days after he'd fucked some boy in a hotel room. Didn't bother telling me that I was risking my life. It hurts. It hurts so much...and I don't know what to do with all the pain.

And all I want is for him to be holding me right now. Only he did this to me. I've gotten tested many times over the years and there have been times when I've been nervous because I felt I'd acted recklessly, but they were always informed decisions, and I took responsibility for them. This time, I feel like the choice was taken out of my hands...but that's not really true. I mean, I chose to believe him. I chose to trust him. I allowed him to do that to me. And knowing that makes me feel like I should never trust anyone ever again. People thought I was strange for being upset when he lied to my face about throwing me a party; even Mollie said that it was understandable, but what people didn't get no matter how many times that I explained it was how he lied to my face without blinking and I believed him. And what I didn't know then, was that he'd been lying for months; fucking other men and then fucking me. I don't know how to handle this. Most times I'm fine....and then...it's so painful, I don't know what to do. I keep thinking of razors again. I know I won't cut myself...but just thinking about them helps.

I spoke to Michael on the phone and said I didn't want to see him tonight. He texted me to let me know that he can't handle this. That I should text him when I get my results, but that I won't be hearing from him. And he's sure that I hate him right now. The thing is...I don't. I do. But I don't. I hate that he did this to me. I hate that I can't trust anyone anymore. I hate that. But I love him, and all that he's done since I learned the truth from him. It's like 2 completely different men, and... I'm so tired.

I have to pick Mark up from work in 3 hours.

Before all the drama, I did get some laundry in the washer. I shaved and showered. Michael's been pestering me for days to shave...so I did, so he'd be surprised tonight...and now I won't even be seeing him. And that's why I'm crying now. I'm like an emotional yo-yo.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:02 PM
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