Sunday, January 3, 2010

I don't believe in most religous stuff. I just don't. I think it's possible there is a god, but I doubt it has anything to do with the bible or any other religous text. I don't believe in magic or ghosts. Yet there have been moments in my life when things have been extremely clear...and have clearly been beyond the normal. Times when I knew that my older sister was sick or in a hospital, or pregnant - when there was no way for me to know that. And we've had the same dreams, she and I. And what about that summer I was seemingly randomly haunted by recurring dreams of tornados, which ended when my Aunt was caught in one? I somehow find ways to not believe though. To laugh it off. To pretend it's not happening.

Yet I find in my life that I'm constantly seeking bookends; things in my life coming full circle. I like that kind of imagery. When I've made mixed cds for people I've insisted that the first and last songs be linked. I've always been that way. And I'm sure it's silly nonsense, but it haunts me, and maybe that's because I see bookends in my life on nights like tonight.

Sometimes...Somtimes just for moments, other times for days, I get glimpses of memory and emotion and it's all tied together in the present. It's like I'm meditating or praying and the answers are just there for me to see; clear as day. Maybe I'm crazy. I don't know. Maybe I'm just dramatic. But I know what I know, and I believe what I believe.

On May 20, 2009, my then boyfriend Michael Slaughter cheated on me for the first time with a man named Joseph Mendoza; I wouldn't learn the truth of what happened that day until months later, and lived that summer in blissful ignorance. That same day in May, and also unknown to me at the time, David Tennant filmed his final scene as the 10th Doctor for the Doctor Who episode "The End of Time, Part II", the story for which would serve as the final 10th Doctor story and his regeneration into the 11th. I watched that episode with Michael Slaughter on Saturday January 2, 2010. In less that 24 hours time we would no longer be a couple, and the circle of pain that began with his indiscretion on May 20th culminated with my own regeneration of sorts, from boyfriend, to friend.

On January 2, 2009, almost exactly 3 months to the day, before I met Michael in person on our first date (and most likely exactly 3 months before I slept with him for the first time)...I took a series of self photographs in which multiple people have said that I looked haunted...and while I felt great emotion during the taking of those pictures, I couldn't explain why. Now I believe...that part of me knew...that a year from then my life would be changed. Not knew...but felt. The photographs were an echo back through time you could say. But that's crazy, and silly, and impossible. But that's the feeling I felt and the feeling I feel. Here are a few of the photographs taken that day, 1 year before my loss:

The same night I spent with Michael and watched that episode, the last time I held him in my arms and believed I could trust him - the night I agreed again to marry him - I let him cum inside me (only the 2nd time I'd permitted such an act). The first time a boy did that it was my cousin Jeff. That night with my cousin was very special to me, but I never saw that Jeff again; I woke up without him there, and the next time I saw him was years later, after he'd been in a terrible accident and he'd suffered brain damage which had significantly changed who he was before. This time I let Michael cum inside me, and the next time I saw him I knew that he was trying to cheat again. I could have broken things off with him then, but I decided to wait and give myself the followup night of being held that was denied me when I slept with Jeff all those years ago. It felt like the completion of a cycle.

While sleeping with Michael the morning of January 3, 2010, he rubbed Vicks Vapor Rub into my skin to help with my cough. The first time since my mother did so when I was very young; bringing back a surge of fevered childhood memories, and reafirming to me that Michael is a part of my family and always will be. Our relationship has grown and changed us, and will continue to do so I think, but he's a part of me that I don't want to lose, though we may never be what I'd hoped for. Just like the relationship with my mother.

Maybe I'm seeing things that aren't there to comfort myself in the dark of my pain, but I can't help it. I'll understand if you laugh at me. I probably would if I were in your place. But that doesn't mean I'm wrong. Because even if nothing mystical is happening here, something human definitely is. And all my senses are telling me this moment in time matters, and that other moments in my life have prepared me for it. Maybe that's all this is.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:38 PM
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