Tuesday, January 5, 2010

I did visit Michael yesterday morning. I gave him a handjob, but refused anything else. I told him I don't want to lose him, but I can't trust him and don't see a way to fix this; that I can't be with him unless I have some kind of guarentee that he won't cheat on me again...and his word just isn't worth a lot anymore. He's lied by omission; he's lied to my face after the fact; he's lied to me on the phone while looking for sex. I can't believe him when he says it won't happen again. I need something more. I don't know what that something is, but it can't be me holding him prisoner because that's not the kind of relationship that I want or deserve. He said he'll figure something out and I told him he'd better because I'm not letting this drop. I can't afford to. Oh...and the chocolates I wanted to try (Hershy's pot of gold) were crap. I'm so glad I didn't buy them for myself.

About Michael. We broke up the other day, but we're still a couple. It's hard to explain, but I don't feel single. And I am willing to give this relationship more time to heal and work out a solution than I would have in the past for anyone else...because I simply love this man...and while I'm putting my foot down and saying what I need for this relationship to work...and while I don't know if it can survive this stress that's been placed upon it...I hope that it can endure. I can give him time. I can give him support. I can give him almost anything because my love of him makes me strong. I just can't be with him and pretend that everything is alright when it's not...I can't allow him to treat me in this manner in the future because no matter how much I love him, I have to love myself too.

I came home after and worked on my farm much of the day. I didn't get to bed until around 3pm, and even then I was only able to sleep about 4 hours. This cold is tough, plus Mark coughs really loudly so it's hard to sleep unless he's asleep.

Before I slept, Michael called me to let me know that he'd caught my cold, something I've warned him about since I got it, but he's insisted on kissing me open mouthed at every opportunity so I can't feel terrible about it as I did all I could; I even resisted the kissing at first. Later, after I'd woken (and just shot a load all over my self) he called to tell me he's taken tomorrow off. I showered and then wrote this.

My farm will need work in about 6 hours time I think. I haven't read my book today, but will probably do that soon. Also require food...and possibly cough medicine. Mark says he's starting to feel better, but he doesn't sound better. Hopefully he is on the mend; I hate seeing him suffer. I doubt my illness will improve as quickly as his though; my colds either last a week, or they linger. This one feels like the latter.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:34 PM
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