Tuesday, January 12, 2010

After the last entry, I filed away some Doctor Who soundtrack stuff, and finally got the soundtrack to Children of Earth and filed that away too. I cuddled with Michael. We later had some FANTASTIC SEX.

8==========>

Around this time, Michael got a text from a boy he gave his number to last week, asking if he still wanted a blowjob. Michael showed me the text and deleted it. I thought this was a good sign.

We watched 3 episodes of Lost. Actually, we watched 2 episodes of Lost, and then the food Mark brought me (with my pill) made me super sleepy and I went to bed during the 3rd episode, then Michael headed home. I slept for about 6 hours, which wasn't expected. When I woke, Michael was going to bed. He texted me to let me know he would really like a blowjob if I ever say it's ok.

That last bit troubled me. What if I was never ok with him getting blown by other guys? What if my jaw is never fixed? Would I lose Michael because of this? I didn't respond to the text as I was thinking about all this, and then I didn't call him because he said he was going to bed. He later called me, having trouble sleeping and we talked about it and he assured me that if I was never ok with it we just wouldn't do it. I think I should talk to him about it again though, because I don't want him to be hanging on the chance that I might say yes; I wouldn't want to disappoint him...and if that's something he needs, we should end this now before we're both hurt more than we need to be. Erg.

I hate that my jaw doesn't work anymore. It's not just the almost constant pain - it's this aspect of my sex life is gone; vanished without warning. One thing that's helped slightly is that in the last week or so we've been fucking on a level we'd not had before, with some new moves and some new outcomes. It's refreshing...fun, and a complete departure from my past, which is something the last year was filled with until my jaw put a stop to my eating and stuff. I want my jaw to be fixed for sex and this horrible constant pain - but also so I can go back to eating all manner of new things again...it seems so unfair that I lost the ability to eat new things only months after starting to do so. When I think about it I find it terrible distressing and depressing, so I try to not think about it. :-0(

I have a doctor's appointment in early March with an expert to try to find out what's going on with my jaw, but even that is stressful as it's bound to get very expensive very fast and I can't pay... And I'm extremely worried that they're just going to tell me that it's all for nothing and that it can't be fixed... I don't know if I can deal with that.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:36 AM
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