Friday, January 22, 2010

The visit with DJ went well. It felt good to forget. I managed to smile. I had good conversations with Jen, Travis, and Mark. Each one helped for a little while. But only time can do the rest and it sucks.

Michael hooked up last night. I know because I still get those damned reports. I tried contacting him to see about removing the spyware, and he wants to try it on his own, but mostly he just wanted his Manhunt profiles back so he could fuck, which I gave him. I was tempted to intervene...but he's not mine anymore. So instead I layed down in my feeling-too-large bed and I managed to sleep while Michael got sucked and/or fucked some other guy(s?). I woke up at 4am. I posted on Facebook and went back to bed; waking up at 8am. Both times I woke up feeling good, but then the vastness of the changes to my life hit me and were extremely painful. I'll never cuddle or wrestle with him again; never give him a wet willy or scratch my nails down his back... I'll never make love with him again. I'll never see his cute little boy smile when he watches Christmas movies. I'm feeling so sentimental that I'm actually aching to watch Charmed and that Christmas movie he all but made me watch. I'll never sit in his car again, or see his apartment furnished, or smell the smoke, or hear him toot, or see his sleeping face, or hear him laugh, or see that look in his eyes when he talks about our married life, or hold his hand.... it goes on and on. And that's what hits me when I realize that it's over. It's true that I won't have the lies, or the cheating...but I've lost something else too, and it's killing me.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:39 AM
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