Friday, January 22, 2010

Michael texted me and I called him, like I always do when he's sending me texts and we talked. He hooked up with Dave last night and talked to him about his life and his work and me and stuff. I'm not jealous. I hope it helped bring things into focus somewhat, or was a first step to some kind of clarity for him. He has a great need, and if I couldn't be there to help him with that, I'm glad someone else was; I'm glad he reached out to someone instead of just losing himself in a random meaningless sexual encounter.

I talked to him about all the things I'll miss if we never see each other again. He said that he never meant to not see me again, be that as a friend or as a boyfriend. But he has a lot of stress right now, and a lot of things about himself that he's not happy about and he needs to work on getting past that. I'll do anything I can to help. At the end of the conversation he said he was going to tell me something...just once and then hang up. Then he said that he'd made many choices in his life to try to be happy; to achieve happiness but now finds himself in a hole that he's not sure he can ever get out of. Then he said that the one thing he was sure of that he got right was loving me; that he loved me, and that breaking up with me was the worst mistake he'd aver made. Then I heard the tears in his voice as he told me he'd talk to me later and then said goodbye.

I want to believe that. Hopefully it's the truth and not just something he thought I'd like to hear. I miss him. I love him. I want him to be happy. And...I want to be happy too. Maybe I'll be happy with him again someday. Maybe I'll just be happy on my own, while being happy for him. I don't know what to think or want.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:10 PM
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