Tuesday, July 13, 2010

I was doing pretty well. I planted my Farm Town. It's not much and it's a silly game, but it's routine and familiar and I was actually enjoying it so I'm calling that a win. Later I watched the new episode of True Blood and I was fine until there was A) a scene in a club where an action took place that reminded me of something I used to do with Michael...and B) there was a brutal breakup. True Blood is a fantastic show but it's very dark right now and not what I need - though I do cheer everytime Bill is mean to his bitch maker.

Anyways...I was crying and Michael called on his way to work, like he's done for over a year now. He wants to spend the night here Wednesday to talk and cuddle. I want to see him. I want to spend time with him. And I want it to be alright, but this may be too soon. I know it upset me. I cried pretty hard and the food I ate came back up (which it hasn't been doing for over a week).

I've been talking to boys online. Not looking for sex or dates...just cause I'm lonely. I talked to one guy on the phone, who's been hitting on me for years, but he turned out to be so horrible that I had to block his number from my phone! He was racist...sexist and trans-gender-phobic. Everything he said just made it worse. I also talked to this other guy (Carter) who's older and has also been after me for a long while, but he was stoned on the phone which I found kind of rude and off-putting, even though I've smoked pot; people that have to smoke pot all the time strike me as kind of pathetic. Maybe I'm being too harsh? I don't hate those people...I just don't want to be around them all the time.

This boy that I've liked for years sent me a message online asking how I'm doing. I replied. It would be nice to meet him in person after so many years of random exchanges...but maybe he'll be a dick too. I just want to have some new people in my life. I don't get out much. I don't have a job where I get to interact with people and it's really getting to me. This guy's profile mentioned something that he likes that I actually love too. I shared it with Michael recently...and I'd really like to do this again soon (it's not sexual). It made me like this guy even more...though I don't know him well.

Yet another boy (Jeff) asked me out and wants to meet me. I told him I'm not looking for sex or a date but I'd be up for meeting him and hanging out. Just chilling. I told him about my kidney stone and other problems and he wasn't a dick about that so maybe he could be a friend...I don't know.

I just want to get to a place where I feel sane; where I'm confident in myself again, like I used to be. Where my voice doesn't sound funky because I'm crying every 6 hours. And if I could lose this kidney stone and these stubborn hemorrhoids in the process that would be great.

I must add here that while there is much weirdness between Michael and I right now - and it will take time to get through and work out - he's being pretty nice, when other men have treated me far worse in an aftermath like this. He hurt me a lot and may do so in the future but there's love there too. I just have to find something of that in myself to be happy I think, and then I'll be able to accept it from Michael and not be hurt by it.

Also, Mark has been AMAZING. He listens. He holds me when I cry. He reassures me. He doesn't judge me. He cuddles. He & I haven't always gotten along, but in the last week Mark has been there for me on every level that I've needed. THANK YOU!

I should watch more 'Six Feet Under'. I have the season premiere of 'The Closer' to watch too. I'd like to take a walk; start getting some more exercise...yet I'm not sure I'm ready to venture outside yet.

I don't know if I mentioned this or not but my doctor perscribed Xanax to me last week for stress. I like that I have it, yet I'm afraid to use it as it's habit forming. It probably saved me from falling to pieces the night I broke up with Michael though. I have so much stress right now...and I have these awful panic attacks...I guess I'm lucky to have them, but I have so many drugs now it's crazy!

I miss Mollie. I miss Jennifer and Chris & Bryan and everyone from Hollywood. But I miss Mollie most of all.

Oh. There's confirmed news about this year's Doctor Who Christmas Special (which begins filming today). It's not much, but Michael Gambon (Dumbledor) & Katherine Jenkins (a Welsh Opera star) will be in it! Steven Moffat, who's writing the special, had this to say:

"Oh, we're going for broke with this one. It's all your favourite Christmas movies at once, in an hour, with monsters and the Doctor and a honeymoon and – oh, you'll see. I've honestly never been so excited about writing anything. I was laughing madly as I typed along to Christmas songs in April. My neighbours loved it so much they all moved away and set up a website demanding my execution. But I'm fairly sure they did it ironically."

Controller of BBC Drama Commissioning, Ben Stephenson:

"Doctor Who’s clever twist on the much loved A Christmas Carol will thrill BBC One viewers this year"

So that's news. I hope the Special builds on the momentum of the final 4 stories and gives us something special. I'm looking forward to next season and hoping it will be better. I'm VERY excited about this season of Sarah Jane which sounds very good. And in about a year (maybe a little less) we'll have 10 more episodes of Torchwood.

So...'Predators' didn't do that great in theaters, coming in 3rd place (after 'Despicable Me' & 'Twilight: Eclipse') and I've heard mixed reviews, though thankfully everyone is saying it's an improvement over the last (dreadful) installment (AVP:R). I've also heard that the awesome shot from the trailer in which Adrian Brody's character is targeted by like 10 Predators isn't in the movie - or that it is but he's only targeted by one, which pisses me off as it's this incredibly cool scene in the trailer that was never in the movie! Erg. The movie might still be good though, and I hope to see it at some point.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:42 AM
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