Wednesday, November 16, 2011

Another entry where I touch on much bigger stories that I
just don't have the strength to cover in depth.

Mark is getting married. Something he swore to me he
would never, ever do. This broke my heart once years ago
when I wanted him to marry me. This time I find it...less
troubling. It confirms things I'd only suspected...plus it's
not as threatening as I'd have expected because the
marriage is very different from what I'd have wanted...he's
marrying her so she can get his insurance in a speedy
fashion, not because he's had a change of heart about
marriage...and he's also marrying a woman who's said "til
death do us part" to 2 other men, so to me the whole
thing is sort of a sad, sick joke. The fact that he posted
the news to Facebook before telling me, his domestic
partner and best friend of nearly 16 years is really fucking
hurtful. My sister knew before I did. Apparently I just have
to let that go though. Mark told me that originally he told
Gen that they couldn't post about it until after he'd told
me but then he changed his mind because it was
something to be celebrated and if he didn't it was like he
was ashamed of her - which I don't think anyone would
have thought - because HELLO - nobody would have
known! lol. And what he didn't say here clearly implies
that she convinced him of this fact. Thanks for that Gen.

Mark is no longer paying for my new home because his
future wife was upset about it and made a point that Mark
hadn't thought of so he "changed his mind" again - which
is what he says anytime he tells me he will or won't do
something and then doesn't follow through on it. It's never
a lie. He's just changed his mind. Or he's forgotten. That's
how it's been for years and I expect that's how it will be
for years to come. Though he seems terrified of Gen so
maybe she won't stand for it and she'll break him of the
habbit. Good for her.

I'm convinced I'm going to lose my insurance and food
stamps which means I'm going to have to make a lot more
money than I have in the past...which means full time
employment...which seems impossible given my current
health...which is something I've been avoiding talking
about.

My stomach has been getting worse; not better. I'm under
160lbs now. I'm usually 170. This is bad. I've not been
exercising so this weight loss is strictly from me being
constantly sick. Last night was devastating. I can't express
how always being hungry and never being able to satisfy it
feels like...while being physically ill and how that plays
into my irrational feelings stemming from my eating
disorder. I'm constantly on the verge of slicing myself
open lately. One minute I'm fine...and the next I'm the kid
who can't eat or the world will end.

I'm quitting my group. I just can't handle the work load
from it, and though it's more like a class, I find the idea of
'group' extremely stressful after what I've gone through in
the past. I think the lessons could have helped me in a 1
on 1 sort of session but that's apparently not possible and
I guess I'll just have to get a book on it or something
because this isn't working for me. Also, this means I'm
going to lose my therapist, which I hate, but this thing
where I have to jump through this stressed out 2-hour
hoop every week to see him on a different day is
obnoxious and not what I signed up for.

Ok. My mother just called with some good news. I'm not
gonna go into it here because I fear what the outcome of
such a revelation would be. But it was nice to have some
good news...when everything seems so horrible lately.

There have been good things too of course, otherwise I'd
be dead. Aaron for one. He's been amazing. I'm terrified of
relying on him for emotional strength because I've done
that with other men and been trampled as a result...but he
makes me smile and he doesn't seem to be bothered by
my failings. Mollie has been a constant source of
comfort...and yesterday she prevented me from offing
myself when nobody else even thought I was thinking of
it; she sent me this yesterday:

"I hope that you are still around to read this Jason. Life as
you know it is crashing down all around you. You feel
trapped and betrayed and hopeless. It's probably
impossible for you to even fathom that there is another
way out. Suicide probably seams like the perfect solution.
A way to make all the pain that you are feeling stop. I
would be lying if I told you I had never considered it. It's
so appealing to know that you at least have control over
this one aspect of you life when every thing and everyone
around you makes you feel powerless, defenseless, and
disposable. I've always considered suicide to be a personal
choice but I just want to remind you Jason that death is
forever. It certainly offers you an escape from the pain you
are feeling but it robs you of so much more. Think about
all the amazing people you have met just in the last few
months. Think about the simple joys of all night euchre
matches or just sharing a conversation about silly TV
shows. Think about all the fantastic books you will never
experience. Think about watching your nieces and
nephews grow up. Life is just a series of moments and
while you may be able to wipe out the bad you will also be
depriving yourself of all the good. I know it's selfish of me
to want you to stay, but I've already lost one brother to
suicide and now I'm terrified that I'm about to lose
another. I was just a child when I lost Roy. His problems
were too big for me to understand and my voice was too
small for him to hear me. I have to try to make you hear
me Jason. I don't have all the answers and I can't promise
you that everything is going to be ok. What I can promise
is to be here for you, to listen and support you, offer you
advice that you may or may not welcome, to laugh with
you or cry with you, to love you. What you choose to do is
ultimately up to you...just don't let that bitch be the one to
force your hand."

I was weeping. Actually I've cried several times every day
this week. Early this morning it was with Mark talking
about my stomach and my future. Then about a half hour
ago I got a call from my mom which left me in tears again.
I just ate so I have to sit still for a bit, but then I want to
pack up the rest of my stuff. I want this move to be
finished on Saturday. It's just hard to gather strength
when you can't process food.

Also, the last 10 minutes or so of last night's glee (3x06
Mash Off) were STUNNING and I can't stop watching it.
There may be a new Doctor Who Mini-Episode on
Friday...and the title for the Christmas Special will be
announced. Looks like I won't be getting the Torchwood
Motion Comic as soon as I'd hoped; apparently it won't be
released in the U.S. until sometime next year...it was
released in the U.K. on Monday, so maybe someone will
post it before Christmas so my friends can get the
complete season then, which if the new mini-episode this
Friday is legit and part of the story arc and not some meta
wink nudge thing, then that will bring the total episode
count to 83. Crazy.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:41 PM
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