Sunday, June 19, 2011

Caleb called me last night and was soon back at the
condo. The 4 of us played Rock Band and had frozen
mixed drinks. We played a game of Euchre and then went
to get food from LC & Taco Bell. When I said I wanted LC
Gen made gagging noises, and being the only one in the
group who didn't eat at TB made me feel lonely. I couldn't
stop thinking about the hospital. When they went to drop
me off at LC I threw up...so I skipped food again. We went
to TB and home. At this point I was just trying to hold it
together. We played more euchre.

Gen sort of freaked when she heard that I proposed to
Mark around my 31st birthday and wanted to know why
she'd not heard this before...well...because I don't talk
about it that often and I've only seen her in person like 4
times? And Mark doesn't even remember it. She was
talking about how she wants to make Mark a mixed cd
and she wants to make sure that none of the songs are
ones that I've used for him in the past. We're getting along
this weekend...but a lot of the things she says and does
hurt me. I odn't know if that's because of her or because
I'm sensitive right now.

Gen and Mark headed to bed. Caleb and I had a serious
talk. I told him about my stomach and I was honest about
my current depression...more honest about it than I've
been with anyone except Mark I think...perhaps because I
was feeling it all so strongly at that point. He was cool
with everything. I told him about what Michael did to me
and how I just instantly think the worst of people now and
how much I hate that...like when he told me earlier that
he'd been driving around and ended up in this one part of
Detroit...I instantly thought he'd just hooked up with a guy
or two, because Michael would do that - he'd call me right
after cheating and tell me some weird story like he was
guilty or trying to cover his tracks...or more likely getting
off on it. I told him I didn't really think he did that...but
that those are the first things that pop into my head now. I
told him about how I liked a lot of stuff about him but I
was pretty sure he was a bottom and that even if he
wasn't, he just got out of 2 year relationship and probably
has all sorts of stuff to work though, just as I obviously
do. It went well...I felt good for confronting everything and
being so honest about some difficult topics...we struggled
with if we should cuddle or he should leave...but in the
end he left to avoid confusion as we're both still attracted
to each other. We kissed goodnight. As he walked away he
said I could still text him and we could hang out. I'm not
sure about that last part...partly because of the attraction
and partly because I'm seriously fucked up right now and I
don't want to risk hurting him if I can't handle everything
that's going on. I pretty much went directly to sleep.

I woke up sad. I'm obviously not in love with him. lol. But
it's sad to lose a potential boyfriend who's been a
potential lover for several years now. Then there's Gen. I
think limited contact with her at the moment might still be
a good thing. She hurts me...and I don't think most of it is
intentional...though some of it might be. And right now
I'm very vulnerable. I'm sort of teetering on the brink of a
very serious depression and it could get very bad very
quickly and if it does I can see myself losing control and
I'm very scared right now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:39 AM
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