Thursday, June 30, 2011

I watched some Static Shock before bed. I woke this
morning with Mark in my room; seems like a dream now.
He hooked me up with the stuff I need to edit BSG and
other stuff but it was $80.00 more expensive than he
thought - he got it though and told me happy birthday.
lol. Thanks Mark.

I slept sort of well. I woke up with my back hurting worse
and my head feeling like it was going to crack open and
explode! I took some pain killer. I harvested and planted
my farm... I'm feeling very sensitive to light. I wonder if
that's a side effect of my meds? I had something like a
panic attack after discussing my condition on Facebook -
everything seemed so dire. I was shaking and couldn't
stop. I didn't take a xanax, but I took a hot bath with
candlelight. I was feeling crazy vulnerable and locked both
locks on the front door and then the bathroom too. I did
manage to relax a bit. I think I'm going to take a xanax
too.

Mark just called.

I was thinking about how I need to get hooked up with a
shrink. And maybe try yoga or something. I was thinking
about spirituality and how it's very calming for some
people and I thought maybe I'd give it a try. I'm wonding if
a true belief in a god is required to get the benefits of
such an action? I'd pick a god who was gay friendly...and I
don't really believe in such things yet maybe the very act
of supplication to the universe might give me something.
It's worth a try, isn't it? Perhaps this is a sign that I'm
going completely insane...or that I'm just getting to the
point where I'm desperate enough to try anything. The
alternative is suicide. Seriously. Like...everything seems so
fucking horrible right now and if anything keeps me here
I'm calling that good. It's not even that I see death as bad
because I don't...I just think it would hurt so many people
and I don't want to hurt anyone...I just want to find some
solace which is becoming harder and harder.

I think the painkiller I took just kicked in. My back hurts.
My jaw aches. My stomach retches. And I'm still so very
hungry. I have The Smiths stuck in my head and that's the
only good thing going on at the moment.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:46 PM
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