Monday, February 28, 2011

I started watching 'Nikita' the other day. I've watched 11
episodes; there are 5 more before I'm caught up. I'm
enjoying it. Parts of it are derivative of other shows
(mostly ALIAS) but there are enough twists to keep it
fresh, and 2 things I had major problems with were
resolved in the last episode I watched.

I still haven't finished 'Son of a Witch'; I have about 60
pages left.

Mark left for a business trip yesterday; he took the train to
Chicago and will return on Wednesday. I miss him.

We went to Jeremy's going away party on Saturday; he's
moving to Israel. It was great to see him and several other
friends (Tom, Jeff, Marc) and I met a cute guy (Richard)
that gave me his phone #. And Mark got the number of a
really cool girl (Nicole). Fun.

Yesterday Michael's lies and the pain they have caused me
came to a head. He wanted to know if he could come out
here to Ann Arbor, just a few blocks from me, fuck some
guy, shower and then fuck me. I thought he was going to
ask if he could come visit with me so that hit hard. I knew
he'd been lying to me for days. I knew he'd lied to me
almost every day that I'd known him. I thought I could
make it work but I can't. I left him a message (I knew he
wouldn't answer while he was fucking the guy up the road)
telling him all that I'd done to secure the truth and how I
knew that he'd been lying to me the whole time...and I
BEGGED HIM to never contact me again. No e-mails. No
phone calls. I'm done. I don't want to see him. I don't want
to talk to him. I don't want to fuck him. I don't want to
think about him. I've let him treat me like crap for nearly 2
years now. He had moments of amazing generosity but
that just made the more outlandishly painful moments
hurt worse. He's a master manipulater as more than one
observer has told me in the past. And I can't be around
him and be at peace. I can't find the right balance or crack
the right code. I've given it my all. And I'm done. I admit
defeat. And it feels good. It feels like the healthiest choice
I've made in ages.

After Michael called me and I finally had the courage to
leave him the message I felt afraid. I knew he was just
blocks away and I didn't want to see him. Mark wasn't
here. I called my friend Carrie but she was on a date. I
called Mark and he suggested I go to Jeremy's. I left the
house and parked at Aut Bar. I deduced that all my family
was at their church and I wanted to leave town so I went
there. I sat with my family while the pastor droned on
about stuff that I'm completely opposed to. It reminded
me of my upbringing and how far I've come from that
horrible environment - though there was some comfort to
be found in that group of people who's beliefs I have
never truly shared. I went to see Janice's new house
afterwards. Then I came home. Watched some shows. And
slept.

I slept very well. I've not had the urge to contact Michael at
all. He left me a voicemail yesterday and I deleted it
without listening to it. I deleted his photos from my
facebook and I blocked his profiles on Facebook and
Manhunt. I want zero contact with him. I'm keeping my
phone off as much as possible. I'm contemplating
changing my phone number. I just don't want any contact
with him because I'm afraid he'll find someway to
manipulate me in some way and I'm not ready to face that.
Not yet. I know I don't have that strength yet but I have
enough to stay away from him. If I can do that for a
month...a year...maybe I can see him and not hurt. It's
worked with other ex-bfs but none of them have hurt me
to the degree that he has. If I could just avoid him forever
that would be great. I doubt it will be easy...the gay
community in MI is small and he's slept with most of it.
Thankfully he's mostly a top and I'm mostly a bottom so
that helps limit the contact I'm likely to have....

On another note...it's come to my attention that I ingest a
shocking amount of butter...so I'm trying to reduce my
intake. I'd like to start drinking more tea as well as I have
a cabinet FILLED with tea that's just sitting there.

There will be a mini-Doctor Who episode on March 18th.
It's too early to know if it will fit within continuity, but it
would be nice if it did. We'll see.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:59 PM
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