Wednesday, April 12, 2006

I didn't end up working today; Matt called just before I was set to roll out of bed to tell me that they were dead slow, and that if I wanted I could skip work. That was cool, because I got to sleep in, and then get the car from Mark, and mail my taxes out. I also got groceries, and made some more JLU tapes for Nate & Pat. While I waited for Mark to get out of work I called Steve, Joy, Carrie, Courntey & Linda Riker. Linda called me back, but her phone was messing up really bad, and I couldn't make out a lot of what was being said; it sucked.

When I got home, I ate, and Carrie called me back, but comcast called and I had to take care of that, so I didn't get to talk to Carrie. I also had to get ready to go see Erich's band play at the Elbow Room. I shouldn't have bothered, but I didn't know that at the time. I looked really good. I saw Erich, and Adam, and I met this guy David who was also playing, and later I met Amanda, who plays with Erich & Adam. It was all going nice, and I was looking forward to the show... But then I asked Erich why he hadn't been into Hollywood lately, and he told me it was because of the 3 messages I'd left him a while back. Now - he gave me his phone # so we could hang out. He lost my phone #, and came into the video store to get the # again, and asked me if we could hang out 2 weeks from that night. After those 2 weeks passed, and I hadn't heard from him, I called him, and left a message. When I didn't hear back from him a few days later, I left another message. And a few days later I left a final message, in which I was a little weird; I'd just got out of work, and I was laughing with and at Heidi, but I was just playing around and it wasn't anything scary. But this creeped Erich out. He said the first 2 messages were fine. He did not say why he didn't call me back after those first 2 messages... only that he doesn't usually do that. So I have no clue why he got my phone # (twice!); he told me it was because he didn't want to hurt my feelings... um... that doesn't make any sense. Even if it was only the first time it wouldn't make a whole lot of sense, but to then come to me and get the phone # again - so as to not hurt my feelings... doesn't make any sense. Regardless, the tactic didn't work, and he hurt me. He said that I shouldn't feel weird and that this was all his fault and that he was an asshole, and I agreed. I asked him why he led me to believe we would be hanging out, and that I'd get to see his wife (who he said wanted to meet me) and Cheryl again, if he was weirded out - but he now said that he doesn't want to hang out with me - that we probably don't have a lot in common, and that he has to take care of his sick wife, and that between that and his band, he needs to concentrate on the friends that he already has. How shitty is that? He told me his wife is really sick, and that she's only gone out twice in the last year because of her health problems, which is really sad, and I feel really bad for her, and bad for me too, because I was really looking forward to meeting her. He said he reacts badly when people have crushes on him, and said that I used that word about him once in conversation. And I did have a crush on him, but I'm attracted to a lot of people, and I have crushes on more than one of them, and almost all of these people are my friends, and they are all aware of my feelings. The 1st of the 2 poems that I wrote about him bothered him because of the meter, and possibly the content - but I actually asked if I should write about him (which I don't think I've ever done before - for anybody else) and he encouraged me to do so! And I even discussed what the content would be, and he was still cool with it. And the poetry is all about how he's hot, but that he's a lot like people in the past that I've met and been attracted to, but became really good friends with. How is that scary? I'm just so disappointed, and pissed off, and hurt right now. I feel like I just lost a really good friend, and several potentially good friends, for no real reason, or not one that makes any sense. It doesn't make sense to me. At all. Which makes it worse. He apologised. I told him I was sorry if any of this crap was my fault, and that I hoped his wife would get better, and wished his band well, but that I was leaving. He said he could get me my cover fee back, but I just left.

After I left there were these 2 guys standing by my car, who called me a faggot. I told them that yeah, I am a faggot, and I waited for them to jump me. I felt like I knew I was gonna get thrashed, but I also felt like I was going to enjoy jamming my keys into the one guy's face. They didn't do anything, and seemed shocked that I'd spoken up. I got in the car - taking my time - daring them to try something, and when they did nothing, I pulled away.

I almost cried. I called Mollie, but she didn't answer. She called me back after she got my message with sounded dire. She made me feel better, and helped affirm my perspective. erg. I talked to Mark when I got home. I feel better. I just... what a waste. I really, really liked him. Not just... I wanted to be his friend, and I wanted him to be mine. I wanted to meet Erin, and to see Cheryl again, and I was really excited about having made these friends! And that's all gone now, for no reason that I can make sense of. It's all so stupid. And I didn't expect that at all.

I called Steve, but he hasn't called me back. I feel like I could go out again now. I might. I'd really like to see Steve again soon. I feel like a lot of my problems lately... or not problems exactly, but little things that I've kept to myself that have been holding me back from being myself are coming to light lately. And it's good. And I'm good. ;-0)

The whole Erich thing is one weird story in my wacky weird life. And now that others have confirmed this, and I know I'm not turning into my insane father, I'm good. Or I'm in shock, and have gone numb. One or the other.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:24 PM
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