Friday, May 26, 2006

So I went to the Aut Bar last night. I hadn't planned on going. All I wanted to do last night was read my geeky Star Trek book, and enjoy my newly cleaned room, but Mark wouldn't turn down the tv, and I refused to just lay there to be reminded constantly of what I wanted but couldn't have. I went to Aut Bar. I talked with Matt; he amused me, when I probably would've bolted out the door if he hadn't been there. I had worn my hat, leather jacket, and glasses inside, and it was really warm so I put them in the car. On the way out to the car, I noticed a boy I knew named Jeremy sitting at the end of the bar. I told him I'd be right back...and then I was.

Jeremy & I met years ago at an Out Fest, and there was this amazing attraction between us that we both acknowledged... We also both acknowledged his boyfriend who was glaring at me. It was almost painful, this known attraction that couldn't be acted upon. I talked to him and Matt for most of the night, and I started to really have fun, and I was almost grateful that Mark had all but forced me out of the condo; Jeremy & I have seen each other a few times over the years, but I hadn't seen him in forever, and I was glad that I got to see him now.

Jeremy & his boyfriend now have an open relationship (the boyfriend is all asexual now, while Jeremy is not - something I can relate to); it's only been opened for a matter of weeks. I don't get turned on by open relationships because I like to date the boys I like, but I didn't want to stop talking to him, despite the fact that I was super tired. I had him over.

He was really impressed with my GLBT movie collection. He liked my mashups, my fan art collection, and my webpage. He called his boyfriend to let him know he was staying at my place. We talked and talked and talked some more; learning we had far more in common than we expected too. Things were getting very intimate, and eventually the attraction stirred, and I allowed it to happen. I just...I've wanted him for so long, and there he was, and I was really comfortable with him, just cuddling. Everything about it was perfect, and I just allowed myself that pleasure. It was really special for me, and for him too. Without going into detail, the whole night was us giving each other things we both needed, and wanted. I'm very grateful for the entire experience. Afterwards we showered, and cuddled and slept. I dreamt we lived in London. His alarm woke us up, and we said goodbye shortly thereafter...

My stomach was a little upset, and I didn't hear Mark get up for work, so I figured I'd be driving him. Mark got up on his own, but my stomach was really upset now, and I didn't feel like driving him; he said he'd see me at lunch time. My stomach cramps passed. I asked Mark if I'd kept him up at all last night, and he said no, and asked me what I'd been doing, and I told him about Jeremy. Mark asked me later if I slept with Jeremy just to lash out at him, which I thought was weird. How would me sleeping with Jeremy, or any guy hurt Mark? It doesn't make any sense. We've been seperated for 6 years, and in that time I've slept with several men, and it was never about wanting to make Mark mad or jealous or whatever; I don't think I could sleep with anyone soley based on that kind of shit. And while my going out was directly related to Mark's drama, it had nothing to do with what I did once I was out & about; I didn't even think about it after awhile, and well before I noticed Jeremy. I hope Mark isn't too upset, but if he is, I'm still not sure what it's about.

I work today. I have tomorrow off, which I was hoping to share with my friend Linda who suggested we might hang out, but she hasn't e-mailed me back, and Mark needs the car to visit his mother & brother, and nephew. I don't want to deprive him of that visit. I think I'm just gonna tell him to go. If Linda wants to visit at the last minute she can come here. It's just not cool to make Mark wait around for an answer despite the supposed importance of this visit. It is important...but so is Mark.

I'm going to get some more sleep.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:14 AM
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