Wednesday, August 2, 2006

It's been over a month since Jeremy spent the night. Why do these kinds of things get stuck in my head? Anyways, and I know this is stupid, but I just realized that I'm single. Not just a little single, but completely single, if that makes any sense. I guess I hoped that I'd still spend as much time with him as I did before. That we'd still go out, and he show me where he grew up, and I'd take him to Benny's for the best doughnuts in the world, and then walk him up the street to the old boarded up Clark Station where I met Jeff. And we'd watch all the movies he's never seen. But that's all just stupid I guess. I'm not depressed about this, is the thing; it's just a realization that anyone else probably would have understood right away...only I didn't. I was in shock, I guess. And even now I hope I'm wrong.

I don't know what I'm feeling.

Tomorrow, Jennifer, my ex-gf, and longtime friend (10 years & running), will be 32. I want to see her, and wish her a Happy Birthday, but I have no way of getting in touch with her or even knowing where to find her. That sucks. That really sucks...

I've been having interesting dreams lately. I know this when I wake up, but then I soon forget what they're about.

I keep thinking I should organize something for my birthday, but I don't know if I'm up to the task. It was easy to plan something for Mark (though the SURPRISE part was HELL), just like it was easy for me to get Jeremy his gifts...I've only thrown one part though, and it rocked. I've never planned a party for myself, and I'm running out of time. I doubt that many of my friends could make it anyways.

BLAH!

I feel like certain parts of my life, which felt wonderful, are quickly becoming nightmarish. Even when the sun shines and the people smile, and I smile back...there's something dying beneath the surface...something that may never be resurrected. And it scares me.

Yeah. I'm not depressed at all. lol.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:28 AM
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