Thursday, April 21, 2005

I'll probably go see my dad later today; he needs some of his clothes, and I've put off seeing him long enough. It's not that I really mind seeing him, it's just...I'm not used to seeing him on a regular basis, and it takes a lot of effort for me to include people into my life. And...it's not like he's my dad. I mean, officially he is my father, but when your father is crazy...well, it's like he's this wacky guy who I'm strangely connected to, and I want him to have a happy life, but... I don't know. The father/son thing is complicated by the fact that he's only half there; actually - most of the time; he's like a quarter there. And the rest of him is quoting random things, mixing it with religion and spinning it around for the world to see. I wonder, if when he jumped it was a moment of clarity? I wonder if in that moment his sanity had visited him, and he saw all the things that he had done, and exactly what his life is like? I would love to see my father sane, and clean, and happy; or not, but at least well rounded, you know? My father is crazy, and he's kind of homeless; he's like a step up from homeless, but you wouldn't know it to see him, and it's like he's the ghost of the father I knew as a child (and even then, he was teetering on the brink). I miss my dad; and this guy is just a stand in, who smiles at me, and sometimes, through all the shit, we have a moment, just a moment of connectedness, and that's why I still see him. But when those moments pass, and he's back in his little world, it's devastating.

I dreamt that Mollie was in the hospital, and I went to visit her, and Kevin Clark was in the next bed, and there was another person staying in the room with them, but it was curtained off... I was sitting in a chair at the foot of their beds, kind of centered, and they (Kevin & Mollie) looked at me sadly, and I asked why they were looking at me like that, and Mollie pointed to the curtain, and when I pulled it back, Shawn was in the third bed, and Jonathan was holding his hand and crying, and I fell backward on the floor, and woke up - sweaty & dazed.

It's really warm in my room; it's cold outside and the neighbors must have their heat on. I'll turn on the A.C. and battle it out with them. I should eat something; take some vitamins; my throat still hurts, and I don't want to get too sick, if that's what's happening. My acid reflux might be to blame though, which I find oddly preferable.

I returned Mark's rental to Hollywood Video around 11:30pm last night; Bryan & Zach were working. I wish I worked with them more often. I would really like to get to know Zach; he seems like a fun guy to know, if a bit...not nervous, but, guarded maybe; I don't think he's hiding anything; it's just his mannerisms - like if he breaks out, something might shatter. It's probably nothing, but it would be nice to hang out with him sometime; maybe with Heidi? hmmm. Oh - I met Heidi's 'D" the other night, and he is so yummy ;-0) He seems cool. I wish I was working more hours right about now, though I have been enjoying my days off.

I rented "Blade III" & "A Series of Unfortunate Events". I watched Blade III, which was...well, it mostly sucked. I thought that Ryan Reynolds was hot, and I liked when he rearranged his clothes to show his vampire glyph; that was nice. lol I'd heard that Parker Posey was horrible in it, but there were a few scenes with her that I actually liked. I thought that Jessica Biel was hotter in Texas Chainsaw Massacre (she actually gave me a woodie in that movie), but her character was fun. I thought most of the cgi stuff looked like cgi stuff, but that just means it really IS a BLADE movie. I don't know if I'll get to the other movie today; might have to re-rent it; they aren't really out yet, but since I work at Hollywood, I can rent them a night at a time.

I want to hang out with Solomon & Janella again. I like that they read my blog, and that they get excited about random stuff, that I get excited about. We're all excited about each other. lol. And we're all so damned adorable. They make me smile, which is something that I cherish; and it's a quality shared by each of my best friends, which is a very good sign. And I want to talk with them more; hanging out with them the one time, I felt like I was trying talk about everything at once, and that I didn't get to say half as much as I really wanted to. lol But it was fun.

The first time I saw Solomon, that I can remember, I thought he was hot. I mean, I still do, but, the xxx rated thoughts that I had when I first saw him, aren't present anymore, because I know him in larger context now, and those images were replaced within the context of our friendship; does that make sense? And the first time I spoke to Solomon I liked his laughter & sense of humor, and his...Leftism. lol And when I met Janella, instead of being disappointed or jealous, I was enraptured by them as a couple; these guys are so perfect for each other that my petty little momentary lust was completely transformed into friendly banter, and the rest is history. I really like them alot, and I hope we will grow to be great friends.

That was something I've wanted to type in here, for awhile, but held back on because I didn't want to offend them, or bother them, or make them feel weird, but I don't feel weird about it, so I doubt they will either; they'll probably be flattered. Even if they aren't, this is my fucking blog. lol Alright. Now that I'm a bit jazzed up, and a bit nervous about the response to this, I'm gonna get some food, pop some vitamins, and wash some more of my wacky father's clothes.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:17 AM
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