Wednesday, April 27, 2005

After watching "Beaches" last night, Mark wanted me to watch something with him, and I said that maybe I would. I had been coughing a lot though, and I finally took a cough supressant, which made me drowsy, and I fell asleep. I woke up around Midnight, I think, and Mark was getting ready for bed. I'm not upset that I slept, because I'm sure I needed it, but I'm sad I didn't get to spend time with Mark.

A bit later I ate, with no problems this time, which was a nice surprise. I sound like a an elderly person, don't I? Well, if the slipper fits...

I chatted at gay.com last night, and I saw someone who I thought looked familiar, and told them so, in private chat. And he pointed out that he should, and that it was Anthony. Anthony whom I met, and hung out with circa 1994-1995, before we had a falling out. I've seen him over a dozen times over the years, and I always recodnize him in person, but the mixture of the small photograph of his face, and the meds combined to trick me into thinking it wasn't him. We chatted for about 5 minutes, and I pointed out that I hadn't heard this much from him in 10 years, and he said that he's shy in person, but that he enjoyed chatting with me, but that he was going to bed; but he'd like it if we chatted again...and we said goodnight.

An unexpected encounter to be sure. I had a crush on him when I first saw him all those years ago, but I got over it very quickly when I learned through those closest to him (who were fast becoming frineds of mine) that he didn't date that often, and that, despite being gay, didn't have a lot of male friends; he didn't get along with them, they said. And I knew that's not what I was looking for, so I just set him aside, I guess. But I never spoke of this to him, and we continued to encounter each other daily through our friendships with others.

I remember he was from Adrian, and that I lived in Adrian for a short time in Summer 1994; for 3 months I lived there, on Church Street, across from the Salvation Army; the red brick house (my roomie Roberta & I rented the upstairs). Adrian was hell in a lot of ways. Roberta, who was an out & out dyke (and I say that with the best of intentions); she had freedom rings tattooed across her chest, and I remember she had a gay brother who was dying of AIDS; their mother was a minister (I believe). Well, the two of us got along famously, and I joined her merry band of faeries [Jeff, Shane, Willie, Ben, and soon there was Monica - "Bert's" girlfriend]. I was actually replacing a girl (Tammy was it?), who had skipped out on Bert, so that Roberta would have a roomie for the last 3 months of her lease - so they appreciated my efforts, which made us bond fairly quickly; that and the ignorant populace at large, that would throw garbage at our house, set the police on us anytime there were men holding hands on our balcony, call us names & honk their horns when we walked to the store, and so on. It made me stand up for myself, which was good.

Oh, and our downstairs neighbors, who's names escape me, a het couple, and their baby - those people were crazy. They actually met, while one of them was being transferred from a mental hospital; the other one was the driver. I don't remember which one was the patient, but it could easily have been both of them. They were trying to write a book about serial killers, and they were both extremely white trash (more so than me), and didn't treat each other very well, and they loathed us. And I'll never forget the two occasions where I went toe to toe with the boyfriend/husband/whatever-he-was; I didn't back down once despite all the ignorant things he said; I just stood there, and rebuked it, and ripped him to shreds until he backed down. It was...liberating.

Tammy(?), the girl who had moved out of Bert's, and had set the stage for my arrival - she and I didn't get on very well, but then I ran into her at a party in the middle of nowhere (at my ex bf Shawn Foreman's then house), and we got along great. She worked at WalMart in Jonesville/Hillsdale last I saw her.

Anyways, back to Anthony, he ended up doing a series of nice things for me, in a short amount of time, and his friends came to me after each of these encounters and told me that this was amazing, because he didn't ever behave that way with men. I was so happy about that; that I was going to be his friend, and he was going to allow it. Now, understand that I did not want to pursue a relationship with him; that had passed, and I was happy at this point to just be his friend, which seemed to make sense to me, since we were friends with so many of the same people. I mentioned in passing to one of his friends, that I'd met recently, that I had actually had a crush on him when I met him, but that my feelings had changed over time, and that I was glad we were becoming friends. The Bitch, who I never spoke to again (unless you count the time after that where I called her multiple descriptive, some would say harshly fitting insults), repeated this to Anthony, who freaked out, and never treated me the same way again.

I remember the next time I saw him was at a birthday party for our friend Elvis, who was Anthony's roomie, and my ex-gf Jennifer's current girlfriend. I sensed something was wrong right away, as his behavior towards me was outragious. Jennifer took me outside, and walked with me while she told me what The Bitch had told Anthony, and how he had freaked out to them about it. I cried. She told me that she knew that my feelings had changed, and that she & Elvis had both talked to him, but he didn't get it. Elvis joined us, and gave me hug, and she told me that she had defended me, telling him that I had had a crush on him before, and now I was over it, but he had told her he didn't understand how I could like him, when he didn't like me that way at all. That hurt too, despite the fact that I already knew it, and despite the fact that my feelings had really changed; everyone wants to be wanted after all. Elvis pointed out that if he would reject a friend based on something so silly that it was his loss. The two friends encouraged me to stay, but Jennifer later spoke to me and suggested I go to City Club to hook up with the boy I'd been lusting after, and whom I had been turning down sleeping with, because I wanted a relationship. So I went, and I danced, and I had packed a bag for the night with Joe (that was name - and probably still is, lol), but he was already with someone that night; a girl, who when she confronted me later, was the first person I ever referred to in public, as nothing more, than a cunt-with-feet. Joe tried to hook up with me when he realized that I had come there looking for him; he said the girl had "given him a raincheck", which didn't stop me from crying, and in fact drew insults to him from people who weren't even involved in the situation. I remember my then-friend Darla (who had dated Joe previously), who was gripping my hand tightly while I wept, looking at him and telling him that his supposed entreaty was the tackiest thing he'd ever said. Darla took me outside, looked me in the eyes, while trying to wipe my tears away; I told her I'd be ok; she hugged me, and I headed home to my scary, insect ridden bedroom, at my mom & dad's house to cry about the boy I didn't like anymore, who cursed me for having liked him at all, and for the boy who made me feel dirty for liking him now. It was...a really, really bad time.

I think I've spoken maybe 6 sentences with Anthony since then. I tried to avoid him, which wasn't easy, since we shared so many friends and interests. He worked at the Cat's Meow, where I shopped all the time. Years later I needed a job, and decided I would apply at Middle-Earth, but when I went to the counter for an application, Anthony was there, and so I bought something small, and I left; annoyed that I couldn't work there now. I saw him in '99 at least once, when he came in to Meijer, where I was working (and thusly, couldn't escape him) and he was with a beautiful boy who I found extremely attractive, which made me jealous of Anthony right away, which I thought was interesting, because if I'd seen them together when I first met Anthony, I would have been jealous of the boy instead.

I later met the boy on his own, after they had broken up, though I didn't remember him at first. His name's Sandor, and I picked him up in a bar, because he was hot, and it was obvious that we wanted each other, and that this would almost certainly lead to sex. But while we ate, he talked about an ex-bf of his, and I soon realized that this was the boy who'd dated Anthony, and then I just...freaked out a bit. Years earlier, before Anthony learned of my initial crush on him, I had dated a guy named Dean Blackskull, who hit on Anthony, without my knowledge, but Anthony turned him down, and told me about it, saying that he would never do that to me; which was one of the nice things he did for me, which shocked our friends. And even though I found Sandor attractive, from the way he spoke about Anthony, they hadn't been parted for long, and I thought...that this was my chance to return the favor. And if they had a chance to get back together, then they would, and I would know that I had done that for him, and he would never have to know.

They didn't get back together. I ran into Sandor several times over the years, and we were always friendly, though I believe he had the impression that I didn't want him, since I didn't even kiss him goodnight before. The truth is I ached for him, everytime I saw him, but the..flavor of our night out stayed with me, and I just couldn't pursue him. That probably seems odd, and maybe it is, but it's the truth. I'd wanted Sandor from the moment I saw him with Anthony years before I met him again on his own. He recently, drunkenly told me that he still remembered the first night he saw me, and that it was the night I took him out; he said that he thought I was cute in leather, and that he was up for anything, but that when it didn't go anywhere, he moved on...which made everything worse again. I see him fairly regularly at Necto, and about a month ago, while dancing next to me he looked at me and said: "Aren't you glad you never went out with me?" because of the way he was dancing, and I looked him in the eye, and told him: "No.", and I walked away. Another time, he was talking about kissing me to piss someone off, and I said: "Like you would ever kiss me..." and he said: "Oh, I would.", which was nice to hear. I know I'm not his type, or at least the type that he's expressed is his type: he likes big hairy guys, even when they're assholes. But his positive responses, and the way he looked at me when I took him out years ago were starting to ge to me. A week later, he was drunkenly telling me about his current boyfriend, and then he started talking about Anthony, in far too much detail, which was killing me, because I was standing there with a hardon, looking him in the eye, and he wouldn't shut up about these other boys, including the one, for whom I had not hooked up with Sandor years before, out of some misguided loyalty? I grabbed him, and pressed him against the wall, and when he looked in my eyes they were clear, and he moved to kiss me, when I moved to kiss him, and it was amazing. A perfect kiss, that I'd waited YEARS for. I didn't care that he had a boyfriend, or that he'd dated Anthony; I deserved that kiss, and he deserved to know the truth; that I wanted him all those years ago, and still did, and yet that this kiss would somehow have to be enough for now. I told him that I had written about him years ago, and that I was sorry that I hadn't shared my writing with him, he gave me his e-mail, and I sent him the poetry. A week later he apologised for his lack of self control; reminding me that he had a boyfriend, and I reminded him of the poetry I sent him (which he has, for all I know, still not read), and there was still that Fire/Electricity between us that was there when we kissed, and he asked me to stop looking at him that way; he had a boyfriend, he laughed. And that was it. Our desires were acknowledged, and now it was his turn to be noble, and we get along now just as we did before, only we know, and that's ok.

Wow. That was a lot of info, that I've actually written about here before in one permutation or another. So...

After chatting with Anthony I watched "Head On", which I thought was fairly powerful, and hot, and brave. I've really been enjoying my movies lately, which is a good thing, as I've invested so much of my money into them lately. I ate some more during the movie, still with no troubles, and afterwards I took some more cough suppresant and went to sleep.

I woke up around 7:30am; which is really only about 2 & 1/2 hours after I went to sleep, but I dreamt/slept well. And then I wrote this. Mark is getting ready for work; I'm going to go say good morning, and let him know that I'm feeling the slightest bit better. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:52 AM
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