Friday, August 13, 2004

Former Live Journal Entry

still in shock...

Yesterday was my 30th birthday. You'd think that would be a big deal to me, but really it wasn't. I mean, I don't think I look much older than I did when I was...oh...24, 25 or so. I've always thought that men in their 30's were attractive, and to be honest, I was sick of being in my late 20's. It just didn't seem all that important. The one thing I thought I should maybe do was throw a party; I mentioned it to my roomie, Mark, but then soon realized that I don't know how to throw a party; lol. I just set it aside, and contrary to what was perceived, I wasn't depressed about it.

I haven't had an actual birthday party in 10 years, and the attempts to enjoy my birthdays since that time have usually failed. On my 26th birthday, my brother-in-law threw a surprise party for my older sister Janice (her birthday is the 23rd & she's 4 years older than me), which didn't bother me, because I'd rather just see a lot of people I know than exchange presents...only almost all my relatives that showed up forgot that it was actually my birthday. It was like "16 Candles", with extra candles. My 27th birthday was even worse; the guy I was in love with screwed some other guy that day, had sex with me, went to Cedar Point with me the next day, where I got sick, and had to leave while he stayed at the park with one of his ex-boyfriends. Since then I've tried to keep my birthdays low key, and have enjoyed them much more. Keep it simple. Seems to be the best way.

That didn't happen this year. My friends, Mark & Mollie threw me a surprise party at Pizza House (which I love); people that I never expected to see this year were there. People from my life. It has been planned out for over a month & I didn't even know it!!! There's a webpage that Mark set up so people could communicate with each other about this party. I couldn't believe it. I was overwhelmed. My boss was there, and several coworkers. Tons of friends. I know most of the Pizza House employees, and they all partied with us. The guy I'm seeing was there; everyone who said they'd be busy on my birthday was there (those bitches); and two of the gifts made me cry. One from my sister was a book called: "Why I love my brother." which was a scrapbook of memories, with a sense of humor. My sister couldn't be there for lack of a babysitter so she made me promise to call her when I opened my present, and I read the book aloud to her & everyone who was gathered; I started crying when it talked about how much I love her kids, and how much they love me. I just...broke down. And to top it off there was no annoying religious message at the end; she simply wrote that I'm me, she's her, and together we are us. argh. The other gifts were by turns amusing, odd, funny, shocking, and fun. The final gift was from Mark, who took the poetry I'd written between 1989 & 1999 & printed it up as an actual book; with illustrations; an about the author section - the works; it looks very professional & it broke my heart. He got major hugs.

The people there all wowed me with their stories about how they'd known about the party for so long, and what they went through to throw it for me. I never expected this kind of attention; in fact, while it was beautiful beyond words, it was also, almost painful. I was on overload most of the night; which seemed to amuse everyone even more. Some people couldn't make it, but sent their best wishes. Some friends couldn't be reached. One turned it down outright; not sure how I should respond to that...

The friend that turned it down; I've known her for nearly 10 years. I met her in October 1994, at the Rocky Horror Picture Show, in Ann Arbor. I ran into her again a few months later at City Club in Detroit; she insulted me; I insulted her; and then we got along famously. We were pretty cruel to the world around us; but we were really just fragile, with walls of bullshit between us & our victims. I like to think I grew out of that fairly quickly; I can still zing a mean comeback or two, but I mean them affectionately; I know I've calmed down enormously in the last 4 years alone. Somehow, she never has. It's sad. She's offended all my friends at one time or another, and pushed most of her own away for at least some length of time, and it's almost always over something extremely petty. I saw this and struggled to not be a target; when she called I was there; when she cried, I was there. I wanted to help her. And she was there for me too. Mostly. I started noticing that I was always going out to her neck of the woods, and that she wasn't coming to mine....ever; even when I asked her too. She came to my graduation in 1996. She came to my apartment warming in 1997. We lived in that apartment for 3 years, and she never returned to it; not once; while I drove out to see her on a semi-regular basis. We moved into a condo in 2000; she's never been to it; she's been invited, but never come. I started to resent that... I became distant. But I never stopped caring about her. She had some fairly serious medical problems not that long ago, and I tried to get in touch with her then, only anytime I called she was busy; or I called at the wrong time and her mother (who gives amazing hugs) bitched me out, which wasn't fun in the least.

A few weeks ago she had a party of her own, at her fairly new digs, and I was so excited about going; I hadn't seen her in over a year, but then everything went to shit the day of the party. My friend Kevin Clark (who's constantly on death's door) was being prepped for surgery; my friend canceled on me; I'd forgotten to take my meds, so my stomach was killing me; my friend Laurie was in town from Virginia, and I hadn't gotten any sleep. My phone was screwed up and I couldn't call her, and the entire time this is happening, not only was I upset that I wouldn't be able to go to the party; I was also worried that my absence might hurt my friend, and I also dreaded what would follow. I e-mailed her; informing her I wouldn't be there. I thought I might not piss her off too much, as I hadn't really confirmed that I was going to be there, but I had asked her if I could bring someone, so my coming was actually implied, I guess. It sucked beyond the telling of it. I was hurt that I couldn't be there; she was hurt that I didn't call. I explained in the e-mail that calling wasn't an option...but this didn't seem to fly with her. She lashed out, like always, and so not only was I left feeling left out of the party; but then I was attacked for not going. It was horrible.

So it makes sense that she would not come to my party right? Only I really wanted to go to hers. I was punished by not seeing her; then she had to punish me some more. When I got home last night I looked at all the e-mails Mark sent to get people to come to my party, and the things that she said in response just don't make any sense:

"Sorry I just can't make it. I'm tired of doing things for my friends but I'm not shown the same common courtesy. Whatever the reason, I'm tired of feeling like I'm on one-sided friendships. I will not be making it out."

Ok. I should have expected this I guess; I mean I couldn't make it to her party, so she shouldn't come to mine; that's adult behavior after all. But what exactly has she done for me? What & when has she sacrificed so that she could spend time with me? I'd really like to know, because I just don't have any clue as to what the fuck she's talking about. And I've seen her treat people this way before. Years ago, my friend Jennifer couldn't make it to one of her parties because she was going to visit our friend Paul in San Francisco; party-girl was pissed. I stayed out of it as much as I could. But this is different; I know I haven't seen her a lot in the last few years, but when I did, I was constantly driving to her house, spending time with her in her home, with her cats, which I'm allergic to; going to places that she liked, that I really didn't; I wanted to protect her from the assholes she dated, and just witness how amazing she was; how beautiful she could be, and the same has never been true where she's concerned. Talk about one-sided friendships; she's a fucking hypocrite. But I knew that already. I've known that for years. And I love her anyways. Which I guess is sort of the bottom line.

Being friends with this girl is never easy. She's prickly. She has a drug problem. Her mood swings are legendary. She can slice you open with a sentence. She can break your heart with her tears. I remember holding her while she cried, on a dance-floor, more than once... I've never been able to lose those moments. I've seen her at her best; and I've definitely seen her at her not so good...; but I've always found it difficult to give up on a friend. Even ones that hurt me, like she did last night. With her, it's because I've seen behind her walls. She's beautiful; sometimes achingly so...you know?

I just hope that she knows that. I hope she realizes how amazing she is, and how I've always thought so. How I've always been able to see it, even when she was trying her best to not let it show.

I love her, and nothing she can do, can change that.

So...that was my night. Mostly wonderful. Unexpectedly overwhelming. With one exception. I can live with that. Actually; the party was so perfect, I don't think I'll ever need another one. Ok...maybe when I'm 40. ;-0)

Hope everyone else had as much fun as I did last night.

Bald Jason
http://www.gothboy.com

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:26 AM
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   Sunday, August 15, 2004

Big THANKS to everyone who snuck around behind my back to make my 30th birthday the best birthday I've ever had! That includes everyone who attended; everyone who tried to attend, but couldn't; everyone who wasn't invited, but should have been (the people planning this party had to contact everyone without my knowledge); the people who planned the party; and everyone who cared enough to contribute anything to what was, all in all, the best (if only) surprise party I've ever had (lol) ;-0)

Anyone who wants to see how this whole thing came into being can click here - while those who just want to skip to pictures & video of the event itself can click here.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:39 PM
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