Tuesday, December 14, 2004

I started reading "Giovanni's Room" again; it never ceases to inspire. I was reading it aloud to Mark while he set up this blog, which he's been trying to get me to do for ages. Now seemed like a good time to start. I actually have a Live Journal, but it's always been pretty hit or miss; I only got it so I could keep up with Darla and her life, but since we've grown apart, it seems pretty pointless. Maybe I'll actually keep something resembling my diaries, which I wrote in endlessly for several years.

Forgive me if this isn't structured perfectly; I have more than a lot on my mind. It's about 12:35am on Tuesday, December 14th, as I type this paragraph, and the last few days have been filled with odd encounters, and meaningful exchanges. Perhaps too much for me to write out before I fall asleep.

Yesterday I had a dream that my friend Mike was being tortured by the Mafia, and when I somehow got them to stop, he went down on me. I said: "Mike, you don't have to do that..." & he looked up at me (he was on his knees; I was standing) and he said: "No, I want to.", and he said this so passionately that I couldn't argue with him; besides: his mouth felt amazing. ;-0)

My eyes are tired. I'm gonna sleep, and get back to this later, when of course, I'll probably have even more to write about. damn it.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:42 AM
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   Thursday, December 16, 2004

I had a dream about Kevin Clark yesterday. I dreamed that he and Laurie visited me at my parent's house, which was apparently my home. Kevin's legs were wooden; actually carved out of wood. He was laying down on my sofa and I told him that no one was buying the sick routine; he got very angry and stood up, which was a miracle in the dream, and he laughed and laughed, but then it was time for Laurie & Kevin to leave and I was lonely.

After waking from the dream I had to go to work, which is isn't often a bad thing, but I just didn't feel like being there. The night before (Tuesday night) was our annual Christmas get-together at our manager DJ's house, which was nice, but I had a horrible headache. I left about 1:30am, sped to Kroger's, bought some alcohol (a very rare thing for me) and some Advil Migraine, took the pills with water, went home, took a scalding hot shower & fell into bed. It's tiring just writing that shit out.

After I picked up Mark from work we set up our Nightmare Before Christmas Tree, then I watched the first half of Season 8 of Friends. I know, I'm a loser for spending that much time watching a lame TV show...but I'm a loser who laughed a lot in that time spent in my room relaxing and staring at my monitor. ;-0) I haven't gone out on a Wednesday night in a long while; just isn't a priority for me right now.

I went to the Staples Christmas Bowling Party, Sunday night. I don't work at Staples but my best friend Mollie does, and her manager Jennifer (who amuses me to no end) invited me. It was a lot of fun, with some random confusing moments, mostly having to do with seeing my most recent "lover" there. He & I hooked up about 6 months ago, after years of flirting, had a lot of fantastic sex, and then he stopped calling & e-mailing me.

His name is Paul.

I don't think he really loves himself all that much, which is sad, because he's really a great guy. He's got some God issues, me thinks; religious and gay, always a confusing combination. He doesn't want to be OUT at work, but everyone knows he's gay; I mean, the boy flames so much that blind people know he's gay. He's hated PDA's which was annoying, but he doesn't smoke, and I liked his body, and the way we kissed, and when we were alone together, it was really great (not just the sex)... And while I've never cried about him not calling, I have, from time to time, wished he was with me. I haven't dated anyone since I last saw him (though we were never officially dating); I just... I don't know. It's stupid. When I spoke to him Sunday he said he'd e-mail me that night, and call me later this week; he didn't. I knew he wouldn't, but it sucks.

So I haven't dated in a while. I did have sex though. I had sex this week, for the first time in months. His name is Marcus. It was nice; a release; hot in it's way, but it's not what I'm after. I'm not upset that I did it, in fact I think it did a lot of good... it was just lacking something.

One of the reasons that the novel Giovanni's Room is my favorite novel is that so many of the passages are relevant to my life. I'm sure they are relevant to many peoples' lives which is why James Baldwin was such an amazing author. This conversation from Giovanni's Room was basically played out in my mind:

"You think," he persisted, "that my life is shameful because my encounters are. And they are. But you should ask yourself why they are."

"Why are are they -- shameful?" I asked him.

"Because there is no affection in them, and no joy. It's like putting an electric plug in a dead socket. Touch, but no contact. All touch, but no contact and no light"

I asked him: "Why?"

"That you must ask yourself," he told me, "and perhaps one day, this morning will not be ashes in your mouth."
----------------

My recent encounter wasn't shameful, per say. For there was affection, and there was honesty and conversation. But joy? Perhaps that's what it lacked. I don't know exactly. There was a degree of depth, but...not the abyss that I seem to be longing for, even if I'm a bit afraid of drowning. It may happen again; it's happened 3 times now. My cock loved it after all. He really brings the TOP out in me, which is nice... Marcus is a great guy, and he turns me on physically, but he doesn't draw me out emotionally.

Wow. I have a lot of e-mail that I should be replying to. I have so many great friends. ;-0) And I've met some great people online in the last few weeks. I updated my website a few weeks ago; making it perhaps, too graphic, but people seem to have responded to it, which is a nice feeling. I don't know when I'll have the time to continue the process...but it's always growing. This new blog is a part of that.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:29 AM
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I slept until about 10:30am. I'm transferring some Justice League episodes that we recorded on the computer, to a vhs tape so I can deleat them; we have too much shit on our computers.

I watched the 2nd half of the Extended verion of Fellowship Of The Ring last night, and started the Extended Two Towers. Mark & I were planning on watching the new Return Of King cut sometime this week; he's supposed to watch all of them too, but I never seem to want to watch them when he does, so this way he can watch them whenever he chooses, and not have to wait for me. I loved Fellowship in the theater, but watching it split into two pieces...the first half is really boring; the 2nd half is the payoff for all that set up. I find that I enjoy the Two Towers more than Fellowship now that I'm used to the Extended versions. I've yet to watch all of the extended cut of Return, but I know that it fixes a lot of what I didn't like about that one. Anyways... it's nice to take a week and watch a lot of television and not think about anything. It's like a vacation without actually going anywhere.

I altered the set up of my webpage, yet again. It's been going through some drastic changes over the last few months, and I approve; hopefully it will get better. ;-0)

I listened to some of the tracks for my Shawn CD Project, and I made some decisions about some stuff, but I haven't really done any true mixing in a few months. It's not a priority right now; it's served it's purpose in many respects, and I could almost just forget about the whole thing, except that I have all this half finished meterial; to forget it, even with the amazing results, seems like a waste. I don't know that I'll ever give it to him though; it's so open & insane... Which means I probably will. damn it. whatever.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:28 PM
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   Saturday, December 18, 2004

Yesterday, while getting ready for work, my sister Janice IM'd me and asked if I knew that our Great Aunt Virginia had died. I hadn't heard. She's been dead for 3 weeks I guess, and no one thought to tell me. Janice knows that I don't get info from the family and tries to share these things with me. Turned out that there was a memorial service at York Baptist Church in Milan scheduled at 3pm; I was supposed to work 1pm-5:30pm; I went in for an hour and then went to the service.

It was nice to see so many people, relatives mostly, whom I hadn't seen in years. The sermon by Pastor Grinell(?) was terrible, and I almost stood up several times to tell him so, but figured it wasn't really meant for me, but Virginia's husband Monroe. The Pastor was going on & on about the roles of wives and husbands and it was all so 1950's that I wanted to laugh, only he wasn't joking. A woman isn't an industrious wife if she doesn't have supper on the table when her husband get's home; and she's really bad if she doesn't do her hair...what the fuck? Who's to say the wife isn't the one that's working? And then he went into roles of women & men as parents & grandparents and it got even worse. Later he siad that if Virginia was there right now she would tell us to glorify God...(so at this point he's speaking for the dead, who can't even defend themselves). Then during the final prayer, when he's trying to convert people, he tells these grieving family members and friends that if they ever want to see Virginia again they better accept Christ. It just felt so exploitive. ick. He mixed it in with some nice stuff, but the whole message was ruined.

At the meal afterwards, I learned from my Aunt Marge that my cousin Michael White had gotten married; she wondered why I wasn't at the wedding; I wasn't there because I was never invited; in fact my mother told me that I shouldn't go; this kind of stuff always happens when I meet up with family. I met lots of cousins whom I'd heard about over the years, and had friendly exchanges with most of them (while enduring the glares of Faith, the Pastor's wife, who always seems to glare at me), and then got to spend some time with even more cousins, who I actually love.

Some of these cousins invited me out, but I had to pick up Mark from work first; we went to Little Caesars, then home to eat while we watched an episode of Friends. I changed, then went to visit my cousins. I had a fantastic time; I wish these people had raised me! All in all, yesterday kicked ass. After I got home Mark & I watched the first disc of The Two Towers.

Oh, and Thursday night I went to the Aut Bar & ran into Donnie from Adrian, who I hadn't seen in 10 years; which was awesome. I also ran into young William & his friend Matt, who both amused me. I chatted with some cute boys outside for a while; one of them was...yummy. It was a great night.

Today, Mark & I watched some more of Two Towers, some more Friends (I've got one more disc to go) and I bought Classic Trek, Season 3, plus some music for a cd I'm working on. I also taped Justice Leauge Unlimited. Yes, I really am a geek.

Anyways, I'm gonna go chat on gay.com for a while.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:07 PM
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   Thursday, December 23, 2004

I dreamt about Kevin again; he was very happy and very talkative. I don't remember much of the dream, but I do remember telling him that people weren't going to believe that I was dreaming of him again; he thought that was rather funny. ;-0)

Tuesday was the anniversary of my first date with Mark Adams; that was 9 years ago, and we are still together in some capacity; that's amazing. We have seperate rooms, but our lives are very much entwined, and I don't mind a bit; I wouldn't have it any other way. Sunday was actually the anniversary of the night we met. wow.

Speaking of Mark, he got a raise at work (not exactly what he was looking for, but a step in the right direction) which means that our planned exodus from Michigan, will probably be postponed for awhile. That's fine with me; I want Mollie to come with us, and her situation requires more time.

Yesterday the snow began in earnest, and the windshield wipers on the car did nothing. It was pretty disturbing. I've gotta get a new one later, and I have to pay the cable bill. grr. I got a lot done though; I got groceries; dropped off my movies; got my DS9 back from Josh; dropped off a tape for Carrie at Pizza House, though I didn't stay and eat; haven't eaten there in months. And I rented lots of porn. lol Being single, and really horny, and lacking a partner...this will do for now. ;-0)

People who aren't Star Trek fans should just skip the rest of this entry.

I don't want this to be the final season of Enterprise. The quit watching the show after the first few episodes annoyed me. I caught an episode here or there, but still found it boring; though I did love the AIDS analogy episode "Stigma". The show just seemed too boring, and didn't 'feel' like Star Trek. I read reviews of episodes as they aired, so I had some idea of where the show was going, and I liked what I heard of the 3rd Season; a season long story arc, but the episodes I actually saw didn't impress me. Then word came of a new head writer for Enterprise's 4th Season (Manny Coto) who wanted the series to embrace it's orginal prequel concept, and I got excited about the show for the first time. Since then the show has produced 7 consecutive episodes the I loved, which helped explain a lot of the stuff that made no sense to me before (Why are the Vulcans such asses?) and suddenly, the older seasons don't seem so bad either. I actually had access to the entire 3rd Season so I finally watched it and I love it! I've seen the first 11 episodes of the 1st Season and a handful of episodes from the 2nd. The show is released on DVD, starting in May 2005; I look forward to it. Anyways, Enterprise now rocks my socks, and I've heard about a lot of the upcoming storylines, and they sound fantastic! This Manny Coto is just filled with great story ideas for Enterprise; stories we won't get to see if the show ends this season. So I don't want it to end.

I'm a trekkie. And I know this. lol

That said, I have two geeky fears of upcoming storylines. 1 is a Mirror Universe episode; I like the so-called Mirror Universe, but feel that the intro to it in Classic Trek, and most of the followups on DS9 were perfect, and I'm not sure it will work for Enterprise, or how it will be executed, when Kirk is said to have discovered that universe. The first episode of the show screw up tons of continuity (first contact with the Klingons) but they've since been doing very well in this area, so I'll wait to see the episode before I freak out. lol The 2nd thing I'm worried about is that Manny is talking about a 5th Season, Season Long Story Arc, about the founding the Federation. The current season of Enterprise should end in early 2155; the United Federation of Planets was incorporated in 2161 (per the chronology, and Next Gen's "The Outcast" & "The First Duty"). I don't want them to fuck that one up. Besides the fact that the Romulan Wars should take place in 2156; which they seem to be setting up already. blah. lol If you had told me, a year ago, that I was going to love this show, and care what they did with it, and also embrace the previous seasons I would have laughed, and then probably insulted you. But here I am. And I love it.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:06 PM
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   Sunday, December 26, 2004

Last night I dreamed that Shawn Foreman & I were arguing, and then he fell off a bridge, landing at my feet. I thought he was dead, but he was alive, though badly shaken. Some strangers, two women, stopped and brought us to their home; one of them was a cousin of mine who has never existed in this world; a daughter of my Aunt Marge; Aunt Marge asked me not to tell anyone her daughter's secret (she's gay), but her daughter seems so OUT and has such a loving wife; I agreed none-the-less.

It was the 1920's. And Shawn was sitting next to me in a high, wicker-backed chair near a roaring fire, surrounded by friends and family; his family. The room was very 'rich' with all the trimmings of that era. Shawn's mother asked him about his father, and Shawn looked at me...all I could see were his eyes; he was crying, broken, and angry.

A woman was blowing bubbles and my little sister was swept away inside one of them, until I popped it and set her free. She began playing beautiful music on the piano, but I soon realized it was a trick of the machine, which played itself. I joined her, much to the delight of those gathered around us, and Shawn laughed through his tears.

And I woke up. There were other dreams that followed, of beaches, oceans, skinny-dipping clubs, and friendly pincer-crabs; of a city overrun by gay activists, and other strange spirits. I woke up the 2nd time to hear the shower running. I considered going back to sleep, but felt I had slept enough; it was nearly 2pm. As I made my way to join Mark in the shower, I remembered the previous dream about Shawn and started feeling sad; not because of the dream, but because I haven't seen him in so long; and when I have, we haven't had one of our talks. Too much going on to talk, or to share, or to be friends.

We are, of course, friends; people can't go through what we have, speak to each other, and not be friends, but there's a distance now that I never expected. Mark made me laugh in the shower & the world lost it's darkness, for a little while anyway. And then I came here to write.

Friday night, Chirstmas Eve, I went to my Grandmother's home, and gathered with my relatives for what is generally a good time. I sometimes feel alien there; removed, different, but that feeling has been lessened over the years, and I had a good time seeing so many relatives and people, and talking and laughing, playing with children.

As the night was about to end, my Mother approached me and asked me when I would return her video camera. I borrowed her video camera 1997; I used it to great effect for about a month and it died. I was so afraid my mom would be upset; I took it to a repair shop, and they told me that they didn't fix this kind of camera any longer because it was too old, and that they had even stopped producing the tapes for it. I told my Mother the bad news the next day, and I was crying because I felt so bad; she was upset, but she said it was alright. Now...7 years later; she askes me when I'm returning it? When I reminded her that it was broken she cried, and left upset, after telling me that my Great-Grandfather gave her that camera. I was shocked; I had no idea, and then I was doubtful, because that in no way sounded like anything he would have done. I told Janice and Jamie (my sisters) about this, and Jamie said that Grandpa did not give her the camera and she knew this because she was with our mother when she bought it. I went to see my Mother and asked her again about it, and she said she bought the camera with money left to her when my Great-Grandfather died. Now that is NOT the same thing! I told her again that we had discussed this several years ago and that she had been sad, but understanding then, and that I didn't understand why this was coming back now. She said: "You borrowed it.". That was never in question. It's like she's blocked it out; which isn't too surprising I guess.

For Mother's day I gave my mom a DVD Player and a $100.00 gift card for MediaPlay so she could buy some DVD's; if I'd known this was going to happen, I would have bought her a video-camera. I don't think she even used that video-camera; I don't think she has any tapes that she recorded with it. It just sat in her room, collecting dust; I remember when I borrowed it, I had to clean it, it was so dusty.

I feel like...she was trying to be nice to me, when she told me that it was ok about the camera before, but then changed her mind or something. She has a history of that kind of stuff. I remember when I was very young; my father was gone at this point, in a hospital or just not living with us, and my mom bought my older sister Janice a black & white tv and she told her that our father had bought it for her and that he loved her. Later, Janice & mom were fighting about dad, and Janice said "He loves me; he bought me that television.": if you could have heard Janice's voice and how desperately she needed to believe that statement; it sounded like she was trying to convince not only mom, but herself as well; it makes me cry. Mom told her the truth right then; that she had bought the television for her. I can't tell you how broken Janice was; I was always very protective of her, but I was listening to this fight and didn't want to be discovered; and I was shaken from the arguing; they seldom argued, and this one was so brutal. Now, I don't think my mom should have gotten the tv for Janice and lied to her; but I understand why she did, and I forgive her for that. I don't forgive her for telling her the truth later on; though I've never discussed this with her.

There are other instances; horrible, bloody experiences, that I could dredge up, but won't; not today. My mother is like a little girl in my mind. I don't think she's ever really grown up, even with all the difficult choices she's been forced to make. And I think of her as a child, and it makes her behavour a little less annoying. I told this to Mark once, and he didn't understand; after Christmas Eve he told me that he finally understood.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:50 PM
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   Monday, December 27, 2004

I worked from 7pm - 12:30am Sunday night; business was slow, but I was amused by coworkers & customers. Before I went to work, I set up some tracks; I think perhaps I've lost my way somehow.

I got home around 12:45am, and started recording some Trek episodes for Carrie & Adam. I went upstairs to read, and put the book aside when I only had 30 pages to go; fell asleep. I dreamed I worked at an office, in the building where Hollywood Video is, and that I had access to peoples' restricted files. A couple came in searching for someone I knew; I slipped them secret information; the man turned to leave, the woman smiled in thanks, here eyes shining; I asked her what did this man do? She could tell from my voice, that we had been more than friends; "You mean, they didn't tell you?" she asked; surprised that the authorities wouldn't have revealed the fate of my lover; she asked me if I knew anything about gold? The family (these were his family members) had a gold mine, which produced a small amount of gold, and the man in question had swindled many people who were after the gold. I smiled at that, and said that sounded a lot like him; he could make people believe in anything - the woman smiled, and I sensed we both loved this man, who had filled our nights with stories of love everlasting; laughter; magic; sex. She smiled, but had to leave, a last looke back and she was gone. Some men who had heard the exchange, and knew the family said that if the kids that had come by last night returned they would teach them a lesson; they would rip their eyes out. I told them not to hurt these children, even if they were ignorant, and I woke up.

It was 3:30 when I woke. I had heartburn and I was thirsty. I went downstairs and caught an episode of Enterprise (Acquisition); got some more water & returned to my room, where I wrote this.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:40 AM
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   Thursday, December 30, 2004

I went to goth night at Necto on Monday; ran into several friends, and also my younger sister's friend Colleen(?) who recognized me right away, though it took me a second to recognize her; she had grown so much. She introduced me to her friend Rachel, and we had a blast. I danced with Vince & Dan a few times. It was a lot of fun. We went to Pizza House afterwards, and it was so good getting out. It was a great night.

Tuesday night I returned to Pizza House to see Carrie; it's been really great spending time with her again. I chatted it up for a few hours; I had called & invited my new friend Heidi to come along, but her phone was on vibrate, and she didn't get the message until a quarter after 3am, which is almost exactly the time that I headed home. I was really hoping to see her; I was going to give her a cd with some stuff I had recorded; I can give it to her at work next time I see her, I guess.

Wenesday night I saw Phantom Of The Opera with Mollie & my ex-gf Jennifer; it was an ok film, but I have the soundtrack memorized, so it was a bit...predictable, though I'd never seen the show; I did love the new song though. Afterwards, we came back to the condo & played 2 games of euchre with Mark, with lots of laughter, though I had a headache. I took Mollie home, and Jennifer stayed the night. I went to bed around 2am.

I woke up this morning around 8am. I watched the movie "Saved!", which I bought from Hollywood as part of a sale, but had never found the time to view it. Mark left for work, and Jennifer joined me, and we finished the movie together, and then spent hours talking. I love her so much, and I'm so glad that we've kept in touch of the last...omg...10 years. wow. That's awesome. I took a nap after she left, and then hung out with Mark for awhile (we watched "Oasis" & "Detained"; 2 more 1st Season Enterprise episodes), before writing this.

I might go out; I'm not sure. It's been a great day for relaxing. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:04 PM
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   Friday, December 31, 2004

I shaved my head about an hour ago; I love that feeling. I went to the Aut Bar for about 20 minutes, but I was bored so I headed back home. I was stopped at a light, and there was a loud bang on the windshield; I looked up and the wiperblade was gone, they'd been on since there was a light drizzle. The wiper blade was leaning off of the car, and finally fell as the light turned green and I was forced to go, as there was traffic behind me. I drove around the block and parked at a closed gas station; ran back to the intersection and grabbed the wiper blade. That was about 15 minutes ago.

So today is the last day of 2004. I honestly don't care. I'm not attached to years so much anymore; nor seasons; nor many other things. hmmmmmmm. odd. I work from 1pm - 5:30pm. A lot of people invited me to City Club for New Years, but I don't know that I want to drive out there on New Year's Eve; crazy traffic and too many people; I don't love crowds, especially on dance floors. We'll see.

What do you do when you hang out with an ex-bf and you're attracted to his friends? If you're me, then you flirt with them. If you're me, you ask about them through the ex, and when they avoid giving you info, you give up. Which I'm sad to say is what happened a few months ago when Matt came from Bowling Green to Ann Arbor with some friends of his, and some strangers as well. I guess the boys I flirted with (1 more than the other) aren't even his friends... Nate (N8) was awesome, and I wanted to see him again, but Matt told me he's straight, and that one of the girls that was there is his girlfriend. I wanted to get his number then, to apologise but Matt never got it for me. The other guy, who's name escapes me at the moment, but will surely return to me as soon as I post this was also cute, and definitely not straight, and I'm pretty sure he lives in Toledo. Anyways, that's 1 regret of 2004 I guess.

The other boy related regret is Nicolas. I don't think I'm going to write about him here, actually, because I think I'm going to do something radical. Wait & see.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:58 AM
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