Tuesday, December 14, 2004

I started reading "Giovanni's Room" again; it never ceases to inspire. I was reading it aloud to Mark while he set up this blog, which he's been trying to get me to do for ages. Now seemed like a good time to start. I actually have a Live Journal, but it's always been pretty hit or miss; I only got it so I could keep up with Darla and her life, but since we've grown apart, it seems pretty pointless. Maybe I'll actually keep something resembling my diaries, which I wrote in endlessly for several years.

Forgive me if this isn't structured perfectly; I have more than a lot on my mind. It's about 12:35am on Tuesday, December 14th, as I type this paragraph, and the last few days have been filled with odd encounters, and meaningful exchanges. Perhaps too much for me to write out before I fall asleep.

Yesterday I had a dream that my friend Mike was being tortured by the Mafia, and when I somehow got them to stop, he went down on me. I said: "Mike, you don't have to do that..." & he looked up at me (he was on his knees; I was standing) and he said: "No, I want to.", and he said this so passionately that I couldn't argue with him; besides: his mouth felt amazing. ;-0)

My eyes are tired. I'm gonna sleep, and get back to this later, when of course, I'll probably have even more to write about. damn it.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:42 AM
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   Thursday, December 16, 2004

I had a dream about Kevin Clark yesterday. I dreamed that he and Laurie visited me at my parent's house, which was apparently my home. Kevin's legs were wooden; actually carved out of wood. He was laying down on my sofa and I told him that no one was buying the sick routine; he got very angry and stood up, which was a miracle in the dream, and he laughed and laughed, but then it was time for Laurie & Kevin to leave and I was lonely.

After waking from the dream I had to go to work, which is isn't often a bad thing, but I just didn't feel like being there. The night before (Tuesday night) was our annual Christmas get-together at our manager DJ's house, which was nice, but I had a horrible headache. I left about 1:30am, sped to Kroger's, bought some alcohol (a very rare thing for me) and some Advil Migraine, took the pills with water, went home, took a scalding hot shower & fell into bed. It's tiring just writing that shit out.

After I picked up Mark from work we set up our Nightmare Before Christmas Tree, then I watched the first half of Season 8 of Friends. I know, I'm a loser for spending that much time watching a lame TV show...but I'm a loser who laughed a lot in that time spent in my room relaxing and staring at my monitor. ;-0) I haven't gone out on a Wednesday night in a long while; just isn't a priority for me right now.

I went to the Staples Christmas Bowling Party, Sunday night. I don't work at Staples but my best friend Mollie does, and her manager Jennifer (who amuses me to no end) invited me. It was a lot of fun, with some random confusing moments, mostly having to do with seeing my most recent "lover" there. He & I hooked up about 6 months ago, after years of flirting, had a lot of fantastic sex, and then he stopped calling & e-mailing me.

His name is Paul.

I don't think he really loves himself all that much, which is sad, because he's really a great guy. He's got some God issues, me thinks; religious and gay, always a confusing combination. He doesn't want to be OUT at work, but everyone knows he's gay; I mean, the boy flames so much that blind people know he's gay. He's hated PDA's which was annoying, but he doesn't smoke, and I liked his body, and the way we kissed, and when we were alone together, it was really great (not just the sex)... And while I've never cried about him not calling, I have, from time to time, wished he was with me. I haven't dated anyone since I last saw him (though we were never officially dating); I just... I don't know. It's stupid. When I spoke to him Sunday he said he'd e-mail me that night, and call me later this week; he didn't. I knew he wouldn't, but it sucks.

So I haven't dated in a while. I did have sex though. I had sex this week, for the first time in months. His name is Marcus. It was nice; a release; hot in it's way, but it's not what I'm after. I'm not upset that I did it, in fact I think it did a lot of good... it was just lacking something.

One of the reasons that the novel Giovanni's Room is my favorite novel is that so many of the passages are relevant to my life. I'm sure they are relevant to many peoples' lives which is why James Baldwin was such an amazing author. This conversation from Giovanni's Room was basically played out in my mind:

"You think," he persisted, "that my life is shameful because my encounters are. And they are. But you should ask yourself why they are."

"Why are are they -- shameful?" I asked him.

"Because there is no affection in them, and no joy. It's like putting an electric plug in a dead socket. Touch, but no contact. All touch, but no contact and no light"

I asked him: "Why?"

"That you must ask yourself," he told me, "and perhaps one day, this morning will not be ashes in your mouth."
----------------

My recent encounter wasn't shameful, per say. For there was affection, and there was honesty and conversation. But joy? Perhaps that's what it lacked. I don't know exactly. There was a degree of depth, but...not the abyss that I seem to be longing for, even if I'm a bit afraid of drowning. It may happen again; it's happened 3 times now. My cock loved it after all. He really brings the TOP out in me, which is nice... Marcus is a great guy, and he turns me on physically, but he doesn't draw me out emotionally.

Wow. I have a lot of e-mail that I should be replying to. I have so many great friends. ;-0) And I've met some great people online in the last few weeks. I updated my website a few weeks ago; making it perhaps, too graphic, but people seem to have responded to it, which is a nice feeling. I don't know when I'll have the time to continue the process...but it's always growing. This new blog is a part of that.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:29 AM
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I slept until about 10:30am. I'm transferring some Justice League episodes that we recorded on the computer, to a vhs tape so I can deleat them; we have too much shit on our computers.

I watched the 2nd half of the Extended verion of Fellowship Of The Ring last night, and started the Extended Two Towers. Mark & I were planning on watching the new Return Of King cut sometime this week; he's supposed to watch all of them too, but I never seem to want to watch them when he does, so this way he can watch them whenever he chooses, and not have to wait for me. I loved Fellowship in the theater, but watching it split into two pieces...the first half is really boring; the 2nd half is the payoff for all that set up. I find that I enjoy the Two Towers more than Fellowship now that I'm used to the Extended versions. I've yet to watch all of the extended cut of Return, but I know that it fixes a lot of what I didn't like about that one. Anyways... it's nice to take a week and watch a lot of television and not think about anything. It's like a vacation without actually going anywhere.

I altered the set up of my webpage, yet again. It's been going through some drastic changes over the last few months, and I approve; hopefully it will get better. ;-0)

I listened to some of the tracks for my Shawn CD Project, and I made some decisions about some stuff, but I haven't really done any true mixing in a few months. It's not a priority right now; it's served it's purpose in many respects, and I could almost just forget about the whole thing, except that I have all this half finished meterial; to forget it, even with the amazing results, seems like a waste. I don't know that I'll ever give it to him though; it's so open & insane... Which means I probably will. damn it. whatever.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:28 PM
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   Saturday, December 18, 2004

Yesterday, while getting ready for work, my sister Janice IM'd me and asked if I knew that our Great Aunt Virginia had died. I hadn't heard. She's been dead for 3 weeks I guess, and no one thought to tell me. Janice knows that I don't get info from the family and tries to share these things with me. Turned out that there was a memorial service at York Baptist Church in Milan scheduled at 3pm; I was supposed to work 1pm-5:30pm; I went in for an hour and then went to the service.

It was nice to see so many people, relatives mostly, whom I hadn't seen in years. The sermon by Pastor Grinell(?) was terrible, and I almost stood up several times to tell him so, but figured it wasn't really meant for me, but Virginia's husband Monroe. The Pastor was going on & on about the roles of wives and husbands and it was all so 1950's that I wanted to laugh, only he wasn't joking. A woman isn't an industrious wife if she doesn't have supper on the table when her husband get's home; and she's really bad if she doesn't do her hair...what the fuck? Who's to say the wife isn't the one that's working? And then he went into roles of women & men as parents & grandparents and it got even worse. Later he siad that if Virginia was there right now she would tell us to glorify God...(so at this point he's speaking for the dead, who can't even defend themselves). Then during the final prayer, when he's trying to convert people, he tells these grieving family members and friends that if they ever want to see Virginia again they better accept Christ. It just felt so exploitive. ick. He mixed it in with some nice stuff, but the whole message was ruined.

At the meal afterwards, I learned from my Aunt Marge that my cousin Michael White had gotten married; she wondered why I wasn't at the wedding; I wasn't there because I was never invited; in fact my mother told me that I shouldn't go; this kind of stuff always happens when I meet up with family. I met lots of cousins whom I'd heard about over the years, and had friendly exchanges with most of them (while enduring the glares of Faith, the Pastor's wife, who always seems to glare at me), and then got to spend some time with even more cousins, who I actually love.

Some of these cousins invited me out, but I had to pick up Mark from work first; we went to Little Caesars, then home to eat while we watched an episode of Friends. I changed, then went to visit my cousins. I had a fantastic time; I wish these people had raised me! All in all, yesterday kicked ass. After I got home Mark & I watched the first disc of The Two Towers.

Oh, and Thursday night I went to the Aut Bar & ran into Donnie from Adrian, who I hadn't seen in 10 years; which was awesome. I also ran into young William & his friend Matt, who both amused me. I chatted with some cute boys outside for a while; one of them was...yummy. It was a great night.

Today, Mark & I watched some more of Two Towers, some more Friends (I've got one more disc to go) and I bought Classic Trek, Season 3, plus some music for a cd I'm working on. I also taped Justice Leauge Unlimited. Yes, I really am a geek.

Anyways, I'm gonna go chat on gay.com for a while.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:07 PM
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