Sunday, December 26, 2004

Last night I dreamed that Shawn Foreman & I were arguing, and then he fell off a bridge, landing at my feet. I thought he was dead, but he was alive, though badly shaken. Some strangers, two women, stopped and brought us to their home; one of them was a cousin of mine who has never existed in this world; a daughter of my Aunt Marge; Aunt Marge asked me not to tell anyone her daughter's secret (she's gay), but her daughter seems so OUT and has such a loving wife; I agreed none-the-less.

It was the 1920's. And Shawn was sitting next to me in a high, wicker-backed chair near a roaring fire, surrounded by friends and family; his family. The room was very 'rich' with all the trimmings of that era. Shawn's mother asked him about his father, and Shawn looked at me...all I could see were his eyes; he was crying, broken, and angry.

A woman was blowing bubbles and my little sister was swept away inside one of them, until I popped it and set her free. She began playing beautiful music on the piano, but I soon realized it was a trick of the machine, which played itself. I joined her, much to the delight of those gathered around us, and Shawn laughed through his tears.

And I woke up. There were other dreams that followed, of beaches, oceans, skinny-dipping clubs, and friendly pincer-crabs; of a city overrun by gay activists, and other strange spirits. I woke up the 2nd time to hear the shower running. I considered going back to sleep, but felt I had slept enough; it was nearly 2pm. As I made my way to join Mark in the shower, I remembered the previous dream about Shawn and started feeling sad; not because of the dream, but because I haven't seen him in so long; and when I have, we haven't had one of our talks. Too much going on to talk, or to share, or to be friends.

We are, of course, friends; people can't go through what we have, speak to each other, and not be friends, but there's a distance now that I never expected. Mark made me laugh in the shower & the world lost it's darkness, for a little while anyway. And then I came here to write.

Friday night, Chirstmas Eve, I went to my Grandmother's home, and gathered with my relatives for what is generally a good time. I sometimes feel alien there; removed, different, but that feeling has been lessened over the years, and I had a good time seeing so many relatives and people, and talking and laughing, playing with children.

As the night was about to end, my Mother approached me and asked me when I would return her video camera. I borrowed her video camera 1997; I used it to great effect for about a month and it died. I was so afraid my mom would be upset; I took it to a repair shop, and they told me that they didn't fix this kind of camera any longer because it was too old, and that they had even stopped producing the tapes for it. I told my Mother the bad news the next day, and I was crying because I felt so bad; she was upset, but she said it was alright. Now...7 years later; she askes me when I'm returning it? When I reminded her that it was broken she cried, and left upset, after telling me that my Great-Grandfather gave her that camera. I was shocked; I had no idea, and then I was doubtful, because that in no way sounded like anything he would have done. I told Janice and Jamie (my sisters) about this, and Jamie said that Grandpa did not give her the camera and she knew this because she was with our mother when she bought it. I went to see my Mother and asked her again about it, and she said she bought the camera with money left to her when my Great-Grandfather died. Now that is NOT the same thing! I told her again that we had discussed this several years ago and that she had been sad, but understanding then, and that I didn't understand why this was coming back now. She said: "You borrowed it.". That was never in question. It's like she's blocked it out; which isn't too surprising I guess.

For Mother's day I gave my mom a DVD Player and a $100.00 gift card for MediaPlay so she could buy some DVD's; if I'd known this was going to happen, I would have bought her a video-camera. I don't think she even used that video-camera; I don't think she has any tapes that she recorded with it. It just sat in her room, collecting dust; I remember when I borrowed it, I had to clean it, it was so dusty.

I feel like...she was trying to be nice to me, when she told me that it was ok about the camera before, but then changed her mind or something. She has a history of that kind of stuff. I remember when I was very young; my father was gone at this point, in a hospital or just not living with us, and my mom bought my older sister Janice a black & white tv and she told her that our father had bought it for her and that he loved her. Later, Janice & mom were fighting about dad, and Janice said "He loves me; he bought me that television.": if you could have heard Janice's voice and how desperately she needed to believe that statement; it sounded like she was trying to convince not only mom, but herself as well; it makes me cry. Mom told her the truth right then; that she had bought the television for her. I can't tell you how broken Janice was; I was always very protective of her, but I was listening to this fight and didn't want to be discovered; and I was shaken from the arguing; they seldom argued, and this one was so brutal. Now, I don't think my mom should have gotten the tv for Janice and lied to her; but I understand why she did, and I forgive her for that. I don't forgive her for telling her the truth later on; though I've never discussed this with her.

There are other instances; horrible, bloody experiences, that I could dredge up, but won't; not today. My mother is like a little girl in my mind. I don't think she's ever really grown up, even with all the difficult choices she's been forced to make. And I think of her as a child, and it makes her behavour a little less annoying. I told this to Mark once, and he didn't understand; after Christmas Eve he told me that he finally understood.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:50 PM
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   Monday, December 27, 2004

I worked from 7pm - 12:30am Sunday night; business was slow, but I was amused by coworkers & customers. Before I went to work, I set up some tracks; I think perhaps I've lost my way somehow.

I got home around 12:45am, and started recording some Trek episodes for Carrie & Adam. I went upstairs to read, and put the book aside when I only had 30 pages to go; fell asleep. I dreamed I worked at an office, in the building where Hollywood Video is, and that I had access to peoples' restricted files. A couple came in searching for someone I knew; I slipped them secret information; the man turned to leave, the woman smiled in thanks, here eyes shining; I asked her what did this man do? She could tell from my voice, that we had been more than friends; "You mean, they didn't tell you?" she asked; surprised that the authorities wouldn't have revealed the fate of my lover; she asked me if I knew anything about gold? The family (these were his family members) had a gold mine, which produced a small amount of gold, and the man in question had swindled many people who were after the gold. I smiled at that, and said that sounded a lot like him; he could make people believe in anything - the woman smiled, and I sensed we both loved this man, who had filled our nights with stories of love everlasting; laughter; magic; sex. She smiled, but had to leave, a last looke back and she was gone. Some men who had heard the exchange, and knew the family said that if the kids that had come by last night returned they would teach them a lesson; they would rip their eyes out. I told them not to hurt these children, even if they were ignorant, and I woke up.

It was 3:30 when I woke. I had heartburn and I was thirsty. I went downstairs and caught an episode of Enterprise (Acquisition); got some more water & returned to my room, where I wrote this.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:40 AM
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   Thursday, December 30, 2004

I went to goth night at Necto on Monday; ran into several friends, and also my younger sister's friend Colleen(?) who recognized me right away, though it took me a second to recognize her; she had grown so much. She introduced me to her friend Rachel, and we had a blast. I danced with Vince & Dan a few times. It was a lot of fun. We went to Pizza House afterwards, and it was so good getting out. It was a great night.

Tuesday night I returned to Pizza House to see Carrie; it's been really great spending time with her again. I chatted it up for a few hours; I had called & invited my new friend Heidi to come along, but her phone was on vibrate, and she didn't get the message until a quarter after 3am, which is almost exactly the time that I headed home. I was really hoping to see her; I was going to give her a cd with some stuff I had recorded; I can give it to her at work next time I see her, I guess.

Wenesday night I saw Phantom Of The Opera with Mollie & my ex-gf Jennifer; it was an ok film, but I have the soundtrack memorized, so it was a bit...predictable, though I'd never seen the show; I did love the new song though. Afterwards, we came back to the condo & played 2 games of euchre with Mark, with lots of laughter, though I had a headache. I took Mollie home, and Jennifer stayed the night. I went to bed around 2am.

I woke up this morning around 8am. I watched the movie "Saved!", which I bought from Hollywood as part of a sale, but had never found the time to view it. Mark left for work, and Jennifer joined me, and we finished the movie together, and then spent hours talking. I love her so much, and I'm so glad that we've kept in touch of the last...omg...10 years. wow. That's awesome. I took a nap after she left, and then hung out with Mark for awhile (we watched "Oasis" & "Detained"; 2 more 1st Season Enterprise episodes), before writing this.

I might go out; I'm not sure. It's been a great day for relaxing. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:04 PM
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   Friday, December 31, 2004

I shaved my head about an hour ago; I love that feeling. I went to the Aut Bar for about 20 minutes, but I was bored so I headed back home. I was stopped at a light, and there was a loud bang on the windshield; I looked up and the wiperblade was gone, they'd been on since there was a light drizzle. The wiper blade was leaning off of the car, and finally fell as the light turned green and I was forced to go, as there was traffic behind me. I drove around the block and parked at a closed gas station; ran back to the intersection and grabbed the wiper blade. That was about 15 minutes ago.

So today is the last day of 2004. I honestly don't care. I'm not attached to years so much anymore; nor seasons; nor many other things. hmmmmmmm. odd. I work from 1pm - 5:30pm. A lot of people invited me to City Club for New Years, but I don't know that I want to drive out there on New Year's Eve; crazy traffic and too many people; I don't love crowds, especially on dance floors. We'll see.

What do you do when you hang out with an ex-bf and you're attracted to his friends? If you're me, then you flirt with them. If you're me, you ask about them through the ex, and when they avoid giving you info, you give up. Which I'm sad to say is what happened a few months ago when Matt came from Bowling Green to Ann Arbor with some friends of his, and some strangers as well. I guess the boys I flirted with (1 more than the other) aren't even his friends... Nate (N8) was awesome, and I wanted to see him again, but Matt told me he's straight, and that one of the girls that was there is his girlfriend. I wanted to get his number then, to apologise but Matt never got it for me. The other guy, who's name escapes me at the moment, but will surely return to me as soon as I post this was also cute, and definitely not straight, and I'm pretty sure he lives in Toledo. Anyways, that's 1 regret of 2004 I guess.

The other boy related regret is Nicolas. I don't think I'm going to write about him here, actually, because I think I'm going to do something radical. Wait & see.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:58 AM
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