Wednesday, September 5, 2007

Watched "Wedding Crashers" this morning while doing laundry. It was ok. Listened to Coldplay, and wrote some poetry. It's been a few months since I've written anything. Still haven't heard from Jennifer; should I be worried? I am. Wendy might be visiting a week from Saturday. I have my doctor's appointment tomorrow; tests make me nervous. I've got to work later, and I'm getting a headache. I'll probably be taking my new meds later if the headache doesn't fade out.

I'm broke.

And I'm in pain.

But I'm smiling.

Does that make me crazy?

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:19 AM
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   Monday, September 10, 2007

The film I had developed today, which I was told would be ready at 3pm, wasn't done when I went in at 5:40pm. I was told it would be ready tomorrow and I'd get double prints. That's all well and good...or...actually it's not. When you drop of your film for the next day you get doubles for free, which means that everyone that's getting their film on time tomorrow is getting that deal, while I'll be getting mine 24 hours late. I go to this shop, because I've been going there for years, and this guy usually does a good job. But it seems like he could have at least given me a call to let me know that the film wouldn't be finished today, or then given me a discount or something.

After that disappointment, I picked Mark up from work, and found that the camera I thought we were getting, which I've been aching for, for over a year now, will not be mine anytime soon, if at all. Several months ago, when I had the money for the camera, I asked Mark if he wanted to go in on the camera half & half, as he was interested in a new camera too...only we didn't end up doing that. And now I have no camera, and the one that I want will most likely never be mine. I'm so broke right now.

I should go and help out with the Bitserve Stuff. I want to sleep. But I need the cash. I work tomorrow, but then have Tuesday-Saturday off. I originally requested Friday off for an appointment at UofM hospital, which they've since cancelled because they fucked up my appointments. Lots of disappointments lately. I'm trying not to get too depressed about them.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:50 PM
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On a lighter note, The Sarah Jane Adventures (the latest Doctor Who spin-off) starts 2 weeks from tonight. I'm very excited. These episodes, along with the show's 'pilot' episode "Invasion of The Bane", which aired on New Year's Day, are the first episodes of what I consider the 4th Season of the Doctor Whoniverse. These will be followed by the final episode of the 3rd Season, the 2007 Christmas Special "Voyage of the Damned", which is itself Part VI of a loose 6 part arc. Then in January we begin Torchwood Season 2, and sometimes between March & May we'll get Season 4 of Doctor Who. News of this show (or groups of shows) keep me going lately.

Also on a more positive note, Luke has been over twice in the last week (actually showing up, after standing me up 6 times previously), and it's been nice seeing him. I'm not holding my breath for more than that, and if he doesn't show up in the near future, I'm not worried about it. I'm single, and enjoying the time we have together, and not worrying about anything else, which is 1 fantastic thing.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:01 PM
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   Sunday, September 16, 2007

Today my friend Paul turns 33. I called him and told him happy birthday. He was on his way to an Egyptian museum. I also tried to call Jennifer again; still not answer or response. She usually doesn't leave me hanging like this, and I'm worried.

I was having a really great day...this morning. Friday, I paid my parking ticket. I had a horrific headache again. The new meds I'm on aren't working. It makes me think of when I was in school, and the migrains began and they kept switching my meds to find something that worked. They eventually gave me Midrin and the problem was solved. Only now, 17-18 years later it's gone again, and I'm left with shit.

Anyways, this morning, I'd been reading the next New Frontier book, which I've been enjoying far too much; it's really been great. On Saturday I had watched a movie from my collection that I'd never seen called "Hellbent". I figured I watch another one; this time choosing "Head In The Clouds", which I enjoyed though it was deeply sad. Later I talked with Mark downstairs about the movie and other things and I got Mark to laugh like only I seem to ever see him do...and I laughed as well, and I knew that this was a moment to hold onto and to cherish.

Later I took a nap. I had to be at work at 7pm, and I wanted to make sure I was wide awake. When Mark woke me up for work though, I knew something was wrong. My stomach. Always my stomach. But I wasn't sure it was really terrible, or if it was just me being too careful. I called work and told them what was going on, and that I couldn't take the meds that usually help because of the tests I'm having done; said I'd most likely be very late, and I'd call later with an update.

I talked to Mark for awhile, and I started feeling almost ok, and then my stomach exploded, or that's how it felt, and now I'm sitting here, shivering, and trying to ignore the pain...just trying to ride it out, like you have to ride out pleasure sometimes. I can kind of see where S&M stems from at this moment, as pain & pleasure seem like 2 sides of the same coin. I called heads, but somehow I got tails.

Sometimes I really hate my life. At times like these I completely resent that I have to depend on medication so much...and that I can't travel or invest in school, or make plans because my body doesn't work that way. Other times I'm more positive about it and I know that the tests that are being done may help me improve my quality of life...and that there are others out there who are far worse off than I am. But that's hard to do when you're typing away, while trying (and failing) to ignore the pain that seems to be a constant companion of late.

And yet I don't want to die. A few months ago, I thought maybe I did. I talked to people about it because it scared me. Things will get better I think. Until they do, I do what I can, and try to distract myself with books and tv shows; they've always worked out so well in the past.

I'm kind of seeing this guy named Lukas / Luke. I tried to date him earlier this year, and I guess I failed. Now things seem to be going better...but my health is so fucked up right now that it can't be ignored, and I wonder what he'll think of that. Or if it's fair to even be worrying about dating right now, for him or for me. I'm trying to just enjoy his company, and to not worry about any other aspects of it, but it pops up in my head at times like these. He really likes me; he's told me so. He's told me that he doesn't want me falling in love with anyone else, and I think he worries that maybe in the time we're not together I'm sneaking off or something, but really I mostly just suffer, and I haven't even spoken to any other guys; I've hardly spoken to my friends. I only ever really see Mark...and he's just a part of my family, and thankfully he takes care of me, or I'd so be dead right now.

Anyways...this isn't helping and I need to find something that does.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:03 PM
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   Wednesday, September 26, 2007

I'm bored. I don't feel like reading. I'm kind of in limbo. All the guys I chat with online seem to just want sex, and I'm kind of seeing someone, so that's off the table. I'm sick of watching tv shows; at least for the moment. I watched the final 17 episodes of Heroes season 1 yesterday. 17. You read that correctly. I don't mind taking a day or two and watching an entire season of a show. I enjoy it actually. It's just like watching the season all year round, only more satisfying somehow. But now I don't feel like watching anything...though I did take the time to watch the first 2 episodes of The Sarah Jane Adventures, which were fun. I've been reading a lot too, and I might do some more later, but at the moment...I'm just thinking. I've been doing that a lot lately too though. Blah.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:59 PM
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   Friday, September 28, 2007

20 years ago tonight, Star Trek: The Next Generation aired for the first time, and I was there. Crazy. I'm currently reading a Star Trek - Deep Space Nine book called The 34th Rule by Armin Shimerman & David R. George III, which is one that I've been meaning to read for years. It's consistantly well reviewed, and with good reason. The book is fantastic. After this one, I've got about 10 more on this single shelf alone to read, and then just multiply that by 4 or 5 and you'll see I have a lot of reading to do before I'm done. lol But it's a lot of fun for me, so that's cool.

I visited my Grandparents yesterday. I visited my mom, and saw my Aunt Marge, and one of my Uncle Mikes (I have several). I also saw my little sister Jamie, who apparently hates me. It's so weird. People walk on eggshells around her. Nobody will tell her she's being a brat, but they all admit it behind her back. It's like an episode of the Twilight Zone, and they're all afraid of her. I don't really understand it. I don't understand her anger towards me. I don't understand her at all anymore, actually. I'm not around very often, and she didn't even say hello to me, or come talk to me. She said her cat was good (not to me) because it growled at me. She parked behind my car so I couldn't leave, though there were many other places she could have parked. When I asked her to move so I could leave (politely) she refused at first, and when I asked again she went out and moved it about 6 inches. When I asked her to move it completely out of the way the berated me. And when my grandfather moved the car for me, she yelled at him, and then insulted me. I finally told her to go to hell, which in retrospect I shouldn't have done, but she was just impossible. Ugh.

Jamie made me late picking up Mark, but he didn't mind, I don't think. I talked to Janice on the phone in the car on my way there, which helped. I was nearly in tears. Mark & I went to Staples and Kroger. We came home; I had a very light snack, as I hadn't had anything to eat save some toast before my trek to Grandma's, and then I fell into a deep sleep, that was disturbed only once, when one of my earings got caught on my pillow case and went flying out of my ear! lol

After I woke up around 5am, I checked my voicemail and text messages and there were a few from Luke saying he wanted to talk to me. These were left around midnight and 2:30am, but I had been asleep that whole time. He says he has stuff he needs to talk to me about, and he wrote this really interesting thing about his life the other day on myspace. He's a really nice guy, and I have fun with him, and I could see us becoming a lot more, but he's so...he goes really fast into these things, and he seems to think that if I'm not moving in with him or something to that effect that I'm not serious, which just isn't the case. I've only seen him in person about 9 times now. And we've only gone out once. And he's been really good about not standing me up lately, but he did stand me up 6 or 7 times before we started seeing each other again. I just move a lot slower than he does - and I don't think that's a problem, because if it's real, it will stand the test of time, and if not, then it's just not meant to, and that's ok too. It's nobody's fault. But he's so afraid of being alone. When that pressure isn't there though, we have a good time. At least I think we do. He says he does. I don't know. I hope he still wants to see me, because he's a nice guy, and I'm enjoying the getting to know him part. But if he's not happy, then I suppose there's really nothing I can do to change that, as it seems like something he has to work on for himself. Oh well. At the very least I regret nothing on this one, which is a nice feeling.

I found my earring.

So, Wendy is coming over tonight, and staying at least until tomorrow. We're going to Necto. We're watching Doctor Who. I close the store Sunday night, but I have to sleep as soon as possible that night, because my medical tests start Monday morning. Then I have more tests Tuesday morning. I work on Wednesday. And then I have Thursday-Saturday off.

I saw the new Bionic Woman show. It had a lot of good stuff, but it had some annoying stuff too. It feels like a copy of ALIAS, with a less satisfying star. I liked the updated feel to the Bionic Woman concept, and I actually really liked the violence of it. But I don't really find the star of the show very compelling. The relationship between her and her sister was the only one that I found interesting, or to carry any depth. Every other interaction in the show seemed slightly forced. The show could be really good; it has potential...but I'm not holding my breath.

I also saw the first new episode of Heroes. It was ok. But there were major things that I hated about it, that I know are going to annoy me for the rest of the series. And there were some moments that I enjoyed too. But how I feel right now, is that the first season should have had a more epic ending, and have been THE ENDING. I'd rather have the entire 'Volume 2' focus on just the previous generation of heroes. But that's just me. I'd say what annoyed me but I don't want to spoil anybody.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:49 AM
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