Sunday, September 16, 2007

Today my friend Paul turns 33. I called him and told him happy birthday. He was on his way to an Egyptian museum. I also tried to call Jennifer again; still not answer or response. She usually doesn't leave me hanging like this, and I'm worried.

I was having a really great day...this morning. Friday, I paid my parking ticket. I had a horrific headache again. The new meds I'm on aren't working. It makes me think of when I was in school, and the migrains began and they kept switching my meds to find something that worked. They eventually gave me Midrin and the problem was solved. Only now, 17-18 years later it's gone again, and I'm left with shit.

Anyways, this morning, I'd been reading the next New Frontier book, which I've been enjoying far too much; it's really been great. On Saturday I had watched a movie from my collection that I'd never seen called "Hellbent". I figured I watch another one; this time choosing "Head In The Clouds", which I enjoyed though it was deeply sad. Later I talked with Mark downstairs about the movie and other things and I got Mark to laugh like only I seem to ever see him do...and I laughed as well, and I knew that this was a moment to hold onto and to cherish.

Later I took a nap. I had to be at work at 7pm, and I wanted to make sure I was wide awake. When Mark woke me up for work though, I knew something was wrong. My stomach. Always my stomach. But I wasn't sure it was really terrible, or if it was just me being too careful. I called work and told them what was going on, and that I couldn't take the meds that usually help because of the tests I'm having done; said I'd most likely be very late, and I'd call later with an update.

I talked to Mark for awhile, and I started feeling almost ok, and then my stomach exploded, or that's how it felt, and now I'm sitting here, shivering, and trying to ignore the pain...just trying to ride it out, like you have to ride out pleasure sometimes. I can kind of see where S&M stems from at this moment, as pain & pleasure seem like 2 sides of the same coin. I called heads, but somehow I got tails.

Sometimes I really hate my life. At times like these I completely resent that I have to depend on medication so much...and that I can't travel or invest in school, or make plans because my body doesn't work that way. Other times I'm more positive about it and I know that the tests that are being done may help me improve my quality of life...and that there are others out there who are far worse off than I am. But that's hard to do when you're typing away, while trying (and failing) to ignore the pain that seems to be a constant companion of late.

And yet I don't want to die. A few months ago, I thought maybe I did. I talked to people about it because it scared me. Things will get better I think. Until they do, I do what I can, and try to distract myself with books and tv shows; they've always worked out so well in the past.

I'm kind of seeing this guy named Lukas / Luke. I tried to date him earlier this year, and I guess I failed. Now things seem to be going better...but my health is so fucked up right now that it can't be ignored, and I wonder what he'll think of that. Or if it's fair to even be worrying about dating right now, for him or for me. I'm trying to just enjoy his company, and to not worry about any other aspects of it, but it pops up in my head at times like these. He really likes me; he's told me so. He's told me that he doesn't want me falling in love with anyone else, and I think he worries that maybe in the time we're not together I'm sneaking off or something, but really I mostly just suffer, and I haven't even spoken to any other guys; I've hardly spoken to my friends. I only ever really see Mark...and he's just a part of my family, and thankfully he takes care of me, or I'd so be dead right now.

Anyways...this isn't helping and I need to find something that does.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:03 PM
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