Monday, October 20, 2008

The truth about "Joe the Plumber". :-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:40 PM
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   Tuesday, October 21, 2008

A lot of times when I read about McCain/Palin stupidity, it makes me laugh. Because a lot of the things that fly out of their mouths is so insane that it's giggle inducing. But not this. Not to me. There shouldn't ever be a threat to take away my civil rights. There should never even be a vote to take away my civil rights. It is wrong for a majority to take away a minority's rights. And to say that my civil rights aren't civil rights is just beyond revolting.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:00 PM
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   Wednesday, October 22, 2008

I haven't been writing in my blog the last few days. Not much has happened. Moments of joy, and moments of complete darkness. I'm having a down kind of day. No reason for it that I can see. I just feel very separate...very lonely.

I got a telephone call from my mother yesterday (I think it was), which is a rare thing, and we had a really nice chat. It made me smile. We talked about some of the things we say when we seen one another, but we also talked about my father, which usually puts her off, but she opened up about some things instead, which was really nice.

I went to Necto Monday night, and I had a really good time. Chatting with new friends (Amanda & her peeps), and dancing quite a bit. Bobby was there with a friend of his; hadn't seen him on a Monday night in ages.

I miss my job. I miss having money. But I think the part I miss most is going into work somewhere in which I knew what was expected of me and I was able to do it, while tapping my own knowledge and helping people. I was depended on, and appreciated. And I worked with friends, so I was always seeing people I cared about. I miss that. I don't think I'd be as down as I am now if I had that back...but it's just not possible.

After that disappointment, and then the school / health thing coming crashing down, it's no wonder I've been so down. Seeing Sean again didn't really help. I mean, it was great to see him, but it reminded me of things I want but don't have; things I've lost, and things I've never had.

I didn't read any of my book this weekend, so I read a lot of it yesterday, and some more today. I'm enjoying it.

I had a one night stand last night. I don't know how I feel about it. It was pretty much on my terms, and it was a no strings attached kind of thing. The guy was a gentleman. Gave me a full body massage, which really helped my tension levels. And I got off spectacularly... which is more than I can say for any other recent encounters. But usually when I do something like this, there's a feeling behind it - some connection I've made with the person that lets me know I won't regret it (in fact I'm usually energised by it) - this was different. It was more a surrendering of myself to needs that I don't usually acknowledge. I'll think about it some more I'm sure.

I had nightmares last night. I was fighting serial killers. And I was kicking ass, but I still woke up feeling frightened. And I felt old. I don't usually feel old. I usually feel sort of young and inexperienced. But the dream left me feeling ancient. And lately I've been thinking about death a lot. I know it's something that most people struggle with, but it's started to hit me right before I sleep; I'll be laying there and it will hit me that one day I'm going to stop breathing, and it seems overwhelming and terrible. Yet...I've never feared suicide. I'm starting to think that the helplessness; the not having a choice in the matter is what truly terrifies me. Or not. I don't know.

All this fear of death is bringing up memories of reading "The Vampire Lestat" (of all things) back in 1991. In the book Lestat, when human, realizes that he will one day die and is overwhelmed by this; far more than I have been. And his mother tells him something like he'll be fine, and that death is just spoiling life for a little while. And he goes off and he does (for the most part) put this out of his mind and enjoy life. My memory calls up this kind of stuff. I don't think I've ever reread that book, and it just pops into my head at random 17 years later.

I've got "Sugar" by Tori Amos (the live version from "To Venus and Back") blasting in my room. It seems to fit my mood for some reason. Like I'm clawing my way back to the surface of something.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:45 PM
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   Thursday, October 23, 2008

I finished off the final 2 discs of Will & Grace Season 1. I tend to not laugh during the show as much as I did the first few times, but I did laugh a couple of times, so that was nice.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:16 AM
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Mark came into my room last night and cuddled for a little while. We talked, and then I watched still more Will & Grace. I slept well...or at least I slept for a long time. I don't remember my dreams. I watched more Will & Grace; I've now finished disc 1 of Season 2.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:54 PM
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So...my experiments with the pills that I CAN KEEP TAKING (also known as my Zombie Pills) have finally begun bearing fruit. I now take half a capsule of the stuff, anytime that I feel like symptoms are on the horizon and that amount of the drug takes care of the problem, with no sexual side effects that I've noticed. And the Zombie effect is muted to a large degree as well. So at least one thing is going right where my health is concerned! :-0)

The pills that I have to stop taking, are still working great, with no apparent side effects. My doctor recommended taking as few of the pills as possible and suggested that I try a few meals without them, which I've done. Sometimes that works ok, and other times it's just messy. But perhaps they're on to something, and my stomach is getting better at this sort of thing? I don't know. I'm feeling oddly hopeful today. Let's just hope that it's a long while before reality comes and smacks me down.

I was going to go for a walk, as I feel cooped up in the condo again, but my arms and legs feel kind of sored today, and I've no understanding as to why. Oh well.

I watched the latest episode of 'Pushing Daisies', which is always a fun time.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:12 PM
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I'm nearly finished with my book, but I keep getting distracted by wacky thoughts. Nothing really important...just random things.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:28 PM
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I've watched another disc of 'Will & Grace', which means I'm half way through Season 2. I finished my Trek book and started reading the next Narnia book. I left off with 'Prince Caspian' months ago, so that means I have to read 'Voyage of the Dawn Treader'. I've started this book many times in the last 20 years or so, and never finished it. Perhaps this will be the time.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:08 PM
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   Friday, October 24, 2008

I slept well. I read another chapter of 'Voyage of the Dawn Treader', and I'm already further into the book than I've ever made it before. I'd like to have read all the Narnia book by the end of the year, so just 2 more beyond this one. And I have other unfinished series that I've started this year, like 'Harry Potter', 'The Wicked Years', 'His Dark Materials' & the 'Destiny trilogy'. I don't know if I'll get to all of those before the year ends, but that would be cool if I did.

Mark, who is working a 3-11 shift, is getting ready for work. I'm gonna go spend a little time with him.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:47 PM
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The Trailer for Underworld: Rise of the Lycans has arrived. It's exactly what I hoped it would be, but I know it's gonna make me cry. I think Mollie might even like this one as it focuses on the only character she liked in the first one. January 23, 2009. Another 2009 movie I want to see. There's also "X-Men Origins: Wolverine", "Harry Potter & the Half-Blood Prince", "Terminator: Salvation", "Star Trek", 'Watchmen', and I know there are more that I'm forgetting. The only movie I was excited to see this year was 'Harry Potter and the Half-Blood Prince' which got moved back to next year, which left me with nothing.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:08 PM
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My cousin Joy's party, which was meant to be tomorrow night, has been cancelled. She has a terrible cold, and doesn't want to pass it on to anyone. The party will be postponed. Oh well. I hope she feels better soon.

I read 2 more chapters.

I usually like rainy weather, but for some reason, today's cold rainy weather is bothering me. It feels a little too chill. I want to hibernate.

My stomach is feeling a little odd. Perhaps it's time to take another half Zombie capsule.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:25 PM
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I read more of my book.

I chatted with my nephew Jordan on Facebook.

I was thinking of sending Michael a friendly message to check in and see how he's doing, but his myspace profile (at least the one I had friended) appears to have been deleted or something. And I'm no longer listed as a friend on facebook. I guess that means we aren't friends anymore.

Oh. And there have been several rumors and lots of announcments suggesting that we'd be getting a new mini-episode of Doctor Who this November (as we did in 2005 & 2007), but this has turned out to be untrue. Instead, there will be a preview of 2 minutes of footage from this year's Christmas Special, which just sucks, as I'd rather just wath the whole thing this Christmas. This sucks. That's 1 less episode than I was hoping for, and we're already getting so few. :-0(

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:57 PM
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   Saturday, October 25, 2008

I read more of my book.

I finished Season 2 of 'Will & Grace'.

Mark talked me into go to Necto, though I wasn't really sure about going. I kind of got in the mood eventually. I ran into my friend Karen and our friend Adam (who I briefly dated about 9 years ago), and Adam was beyond drunk. I saw Jeremy Merklinger, and he thanked me for a comment I made on his myspace page earlier this week. Other than that it kind of sucked. I didn't really feel like being there, and it seemed like everyone I saw was sick with a cold or something. I stayed for less than an hour and came home. I'm going to shower the germs away and continue the reading / watching.

I miss Ianto / Jack goodness. :-0(

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:54 AM
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More reading; more 'Will & Grace'; more eating and sleeping. More Tori Amos. More stomach troubles. More feeling isolated.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:26 PM
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I don't know what this funk is, that I've found myself in...or how I'm to claw my way out of it. It doesn't seem as bad, and yet I'm still not out of the woods. I feel sort of worthless...and helpless. It's not a fun combination. I put a smile on for friends...and I'm glad to see them, and see what they're up to...but I feel like I'm in my own little bubble and nobody can really see me or get me out of it.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:55 PM
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