Tuesday, December 1, 2009

Rough couple of days.

Sunday I randomly found another man Michael had an affair with; this one in the August / September range. #14 was fucked bare in Michael's garage in Taylor. Hello to the pain. I went to Michael's and talked it out. I wept. I cried about the past and the future and all the things that have been bothering me. It was hard, but needed to be done. As I'm sure it will have to be done again.

Monday passed in a daze.

Michael joined me around 1am on Tuesday. We slept a bit, but I woke up around 3:30am feeling hungry and jazzed. Michael won't wake. I'm hoping the morning will be one of cuddles and Whoniverse Episodes.

But after all this sadness, there is joy.

Torchwood is coming back for a 13 episode 4th Season! Will it air in 2010? Probably, but maybe not. Still; it's in the works.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:50 AM
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woke from dreams of Cynid Lauper, Pee-Wee Herman, and playing a Star Wars / Marvel Comics version of Stratego with real vampires. My brain is fun.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:06 PM
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   Wednesday, December 2, 2009

More pain. Some beatiful moments. Lots more crying. So many tears. Confusion. Lonliness.

I don't know what to do.

I don't know what to do.

I feel completely lost.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:24 AM
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   Friday, December 4, 2009

Thursday. A specialist told me my jaw may never open beyond what it does right now. No more sex or food for Jason; at least not to the same degree of pleasure; not to the same degree of joy. My simple pleasures have been stolen from me; perhaps forever. I'm very afraid. I'm very afraid. I'm very afraid. Laughter and singing and yawning or coughing - the simple fun of sneezing hurts me now; tires me. I can't imagine lasting that long in such a state, but perhaps I'm stronger than even I know? Or perhaps I'm not. We shall see.

I'm grateful for my book; my friends and family; for Doctor Who and Glee and Caprica. All of the things that distract me from my pain.

"The sweet sound of suffering."

I've shed more tears in the last 3 months, then in the last several years combined. Seriously. I think I've cried every day this week. Sometimes, openly, in front of Mark or Michael, and other times, very alone in the dark of my room. Just 4 months ago I think I wondered if I'd ever shed tears again in my life; I knew sadness and the occasional misting of the eyes...but tears were like some forgotten poetry that would never come when I called...never to return, until they did. Now they refuse to leave, but I'm grateful for them as well. Tears are magic.

I wish I could get in touch with Mollie. I'd tell her to track down this Abarat book; the first of 5, with only 2 currently available. This doesn't trouble me. I see myself rereading this one a year or two from now. And picking up the 2nd volume the next time I'm at the book store.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:37 AM
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Watched "The Five Doctors"; thinking of continuing Classic Who from there.

Fell asleep. Many times. Not during the movie. Last dream was an amusement park; went with Janice, just her and me. Woke while on a ride that was the line for another ride, the platform turning; someone asking me how many feet I was holding on with as I was climbing the structure as it started moving. I woke up laughing while saying "I only have the two." - just before that I realized we'd met the the group in front of us on the plane, and the group to the right of them the day before, and they were all together which made us all happy. I was with a transgendered boy (FTM) who was not my boyfriend, as he was in love with a woman that he'd dated when he was a she, and before a nightmare encounter earlier in the night. Strange. Fun to wake up laughing.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:59 PM
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   Saturday, December 5, 2009

Michael arrived shortly after 6pm. He went to bed around 6:30pm. I stayed up to watch next Classic Who episode ("Warriors of the Deep, Part I"); #614 by my reckoning; "The Five Doctors constituting numbers 610 - 613. This latest episode brings back the Sea Devils (which I've not seen before, but were introduced in a 3rd Doctor story) while introducing their relatives, the Silurians, who are rumored to feature in the next season of Who (Season 32 of the Whoniverse).

I joined Michael in bed and slept and snuggled. Got up briefly to do the farm thing and take my meds, then back to bed. Had strange dreams. Dreamt I was talking to Andrew Black at my parents' house, which was very different from their real home, and yet somehow the same. I was talking to him about the different ailments I've developed in the last 3 months. Woke up from that one around 1am.

Here's a station identification featuring the 10th Doctor:

And a trailer for upcoming Christmas programing that features scenes from David Dennant's final specials (beware of Spoilers):

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:41 AM
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I have a new pain in my groin area, just to the upper right (my right) of my penis / scrotum. Perhaps my prostitius hasn't been defeated, but merely retreated to another piece of my anatomy? I don't know. But it's been off and on for the last 8 hours or so. I'm telling you, my body is falling apart. I can't get one piece fixed before the next starts ripping to shreds. I'm scared.

I played some Euchre & Safari Majong on Pogo to distract me. Now I'm downloading the 2 latest Dollhouse episodes, though I've not watched the previous 3. They're airing 2 episodes a night for the first 3 Friday's of December. The final 3 episodes will air in January; my guess is they'll skip Christmas & New Year's Day, and come back 1 episode a night until the 22nd, which is when Dollhouse is scheduled to end (with "Epitaph II: Return"), and Caprica is set to begin.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:58 AM
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I random shooting pain in my groin switched sides before disappearing beneath the surface of me. My belly is upset; possibly just gassy. I don't want to feel anything pressed against it; even clothing, so my final HIV test was cancelled for now. Michael will be tested this week anyways, and he comes up negative, then surely I am as well, as I've not been with anyone other than him since January.

We watched Torchwood, Doctor Who, and Torchwood again. A good mix of stories and characters. In the last 2 episodes alone we got 10, Donna, Rose, Martha & the death of Owen...or the first death as the case may be. Michael is now very into the shows, and only 4 episodes behind where my friends Mike & Emily got with my DVD's. I'll return the DVDs to them when my Michael is finished with them, with even more episodes for them to devour.

Michael did his best to cheer me, and he did. Being around him is fun, but maddening, as I want him inside me, but can't have him. My throat aches to be filled, yet my jaws refuse him entry. Michael raised my interest with a new procedure; new for him, and I made him moan and writhe and cum. It amused me.

The shower afterwards was sweet; kind; loving. Later we read chapters of our book while Mark showered and dressed. Mark & Michael left to go to the storage unit, and then to LC to get me crazy bread. I type this out, waiting for food, farmtown crops, and the finished version of Dreamland, which has yet to be posted.

I need to harvest my crops in about an hour.

I got the 2 new episodes of Dollhouse last night. I was right about the upcoming schedule. 7 episodes remain. It sounds like the series will have an actual finale; an ending; finality. That's all that I ask. Dollhouse isn't as good as Firefly, or Buffy or Angel, but it has moments where you can see what Joss was trying to tell us, and those moments are brilliant. I almost wish I hadn't started watching it until I had them all so I could watch it in one long stream as I intended to do with BSG (though I was twarted by Season 4 being split in two, plus "The Plan", plus "Caprica"); as I intend to do with LOST.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:56 PM
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Michael returned with crazy bread and demands for more Who so we watched 'The Fires of Pompeii', 'Dead Man Walking' and 'Planet of the Ood'. Michael is trying to give me space to find my happiness without him around, so he headed home. We chatted online and had some sexy fun. Then he watched 'Eye of the Gorgon, Parts I & II' and is now watching 'The Sontaran Stratagem' (Part I of III), and intends to watch the other 2 parts.

Our online sexual activity is taking an odd turn, which might be extremely hot, or extremely upsetting. It could go either way at this point, so we're trying to ease into it. I've never been afraid to explore my sexuality, but this depends greatly on another person's actions...to a much larger degree than anything else I've ever attempted, which is both exciting and scary. I'll have to take it slow I think.

Anyways...Michael is watching telly; I'm drinking water as I fear I'm a bit dehydrated...Mark is working on E-Bay stuff...and my friend Mark just said hello to me on yahoo so I might chat with him for a bit before reading, or taking a nap.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:45 PM
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