Bald Jason's Musings


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   Sunday, May 8, 2011

Mark & I went to Kroger / LC on our way to Libby's house.
Libby lives on Liberty, about a block from where one of my
old bf's used to live. I met Libby's friend Olivia at the door
and she was so fun. We had a really good time. We ended up
talking A LOT, which was cool, and then we taught them how
to play euchre...and they seem excited about doing it again.
:)

When we got home I thought I might go back out but then
didn't. I did end up uploading a lot of pictures to Facebook. I
eventually slept around 5am I think. Mark & I need to go to
RiteAid and we'd like to go for a walk as it's beautiful
outside. Hopefully he'll find a way to convert FLV files later
and help me with my AVI editing so I can get my shows under
control. :)

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:12 PM
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   Monday, May 9, 2011

Mark & I went to RiteAid and LC again. We chilled at home for
a bit. The food was good, but my stomach freaked out; it was
NOT fun. Later, when things had seemingly calmed down, we
went for a walk downtown. We ran into people we knew. I
also got a coconut based coffee drink which was YUMMY,
until it came back up several times on the way home. I was
able to keep my spirits up, and I don't look ill, but this was
just another reminder why my life can suck sometimes...and
that I'll probably never be well. I'm proud of myself for not
bitching about it constantly, because who wouldn't? And I
like that I did get out and get some exercise...and very
grateful to have Mark, who took it all completely in stride,
and was very supportive. When we got home Mark helped me
edit some stuff, and taught me how. The one project I
wanted to do isn't going to work out like I planned but
there's another option that's sort of cool, though it means
more work in a way. Blah. I took a nap but I'm awake now,
obviously. Part of me is really hungry, but I'm a bit scared to
eat. Hmm. Maybe a shake?

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:13 AM
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   Tuesday, May 10, 2011

I managed to keep most everything down on Monday.
Almost. That's improvement, yet I felt even more exhausted?
It was a strange day. I went to Necto but it mostly sucked.
Becky wasn't there so I couldn't get any drinks...which after
Friday, I was looking forward to. Then the music wasn't really
working for me...though I saw some people I like to talk to. I
left early. I watched 'Inside the Actors Studio' with Dustin
Hoffman; what a cool guy. He made me cry. Oh, and I
watched Lady Gaga's Monster Ball yesterday, which I enjoyed.
I'm in desperate need of groceries as I'm almmost out of
everything...but I still need to scrub my eyelineer off (I wore
more than usual tonight) - it's weird, because I think I look
really good, yet my body has been freaking out for so long
and I feel like I should look bad...but I don't. At least I don't
think I do. Also, I'm starting to get a really bad headache. I
think I'm gonna take some painkiller, hope for the best and
maybe get groceries later today.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:39 AM
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   Thursday, May 12, 2011

Wednesday I began scanning my old pictures. It's a very slow
process. But hopefully when I'm done I won't have to do this
ever again, or at least not on the same scale. Scanning an old
picture of Travis & I from 2001 (July 30, 2001 to be exact)
inspired me to write a poem for the first time in a very long
time. There was some strangness later, but Mark was
fantastic. It was beautiful outside but I couldn't walk because
my stomach was so upset. I later slept and was woken by
thunderstorms.

A friend (who I've thought was hot for years) told me that
Michael hit on him yesterday. Blah. Thankfully he thinks that
Michael is ugly.

So many feelings lately. I feel. A lot.

Smallville ends on Friday; I still have 5 episodes to watch
before that but I'm not in any hurry. The season finale of The
Vampire Diaries is on tonight; I collect the episodes though
I've only seen the first 3; I expect I'll watch them someday.
The season, posssibly series finale of Nikita is on tonight; I
hope it ends well...it's been fun. I'm looking forward to
Doctor Who on Saturday and for the 3 weeks after that.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:05 AM
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I watched some 'Will & Grace' and then, oddly, got a burst of
energy. I cleaned up my room a bit. Emptied the trash.
Compacted the cardboard. Sorted the plastics and bottles.
Did the dishes. Did some laundry. Scrubbed the toilet. Filled
the soap dispenser. Put away Mark's groceries...and sorted
some counter space. I may do more.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:11 AM
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Put the laundry away. Watched some 'Will & Grace'. I made
Mark breakfast. I just ate. Hopefully that all stays down.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:49 AM
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I managed to keep MOST of my breakfast down. That
probably doesn't sound that great, but it's a good thing
for me. I'm taking that as a victory. I went to sleep soon
after Mark left for work. Mark is actually working from the
home of his friend Gen; they're both working from her
home today. I slept very well. I woke up to an e-mail from
Shawn Foreman asking for pictures. Isn't that funny? I just
started scanning pictures. lol. Hopefully I'm done by the
end of the year; it's gonna take forever.

Ooh. Torchwood news. They've announced the individual
episode titles for Miracle Day, though they're possibly not
final and may change before the series airs (starting July 8,
2011).

Torchwood: Miracle Day
4x01 The New World
4x02 Rendition
4x03 Dead of Night
4x04 Escape to L.A.
4x05 The Categories of Life
4x06 The Middle Men
4x07 Immortal Sins
4x08 End of the Road
4x09 The Gathering
4x10 The Blood Line

These 10 episodes of Torchwood are, from my
perspective, part of Season 32 of the Whoniverse...and will
hopefully help me solve the puzzle of that season. Episode
6 airs on my 37th Birthday :)

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:32 PM
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   Friday, May 13, 2011

I took a nap after the last entry. I got up arond 6pm. I
emptied the dishwasher and put some dirty dishes inside. I
started getting a headache so I took some painkiller and a
hot shower. Then I got dressed and Mark & I went for a walk
to Starbucks. I traded texts and calls with Travis and Hassan.
Then we met Tom at Vault of Midnight and went to Old Town
where we all had a drink. It was great fun catching up with
Tom, then we parted ways as we all headed home. A great
walk, and a great night.

Also, my food assitance apparently went through after all. So
I now have very little to worry about, which pleases me. :)

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:20 AM
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I watched the final 2 episodes of Nikita last night. If that is
the end of the show (it hasn't been renewed yet), well, I've
seen worse endings. I also started catching up on Smallville
as that series is ending tonight. I watched:

10x16 Scion
10x17 Kent
10x18 Booster

And I started watching 10x19 Dominion. That leaves 1.5
episodes plus tonight's 2 part finale. I'm sure I'll finish it this
weekend.

I slept but I had nightmares about Michael and my throat
hurts a bit. I ate before going to sleep and none of it came up
before hand so there may have been acid trouble when I was
sleeping...I'm not sure.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:30 PM
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   Saturday, May 14, 2011

I stayed in tonight. I slept some more. More nightmares, yet
less nightmarish, if that makes any sense. I've managed to
keep all food down for about 24 hours. Nice.

So...there are rumblings of a web series (a series of
webisodes) featuring Eliza Dushku in a Torchwood story that
ties into Miracle Day, called "Web of Lies". Interesting. It all
sounds legit. Very interested in this. I wonder what form it
will take exactly? What is the story? How long is it? How dies
it all tie together?

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:42 AM
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   Sunday, May 15, 2011

Saturday I finished Smallville. The finale was ok. Nothing
special really. It was entertaining enough I guess, which is
how I'd describe the series in general. The finales to each of
it's 10 seasons have never been that great, but it was the was
stuff in between them that was the most fun. At least it got
an ending.

Brothers and Sisters was cancelled. I've not watched the final
3 episodes yet so I don't know if it ends well or not. I may
have mentioned that in the last entry; I don't know.

This morning I feel horrible. I'm stressed and anxious but I'm
not sure why. I took have a Xanax and hopefully that helps.

The new Doctor Who yesterday was pretty good. I suspect I'll
like it more the 2nd time around, but I'm so out of it right
now that I don't feel up to watching anything that isn't light
comedy...which is SO NOT like me.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:11 AM
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   Monday, May 16, 2011

Yesterday was a haze of anxiety, stress, and sleep. I couldn't
sleep today and I felt anxious again, but felt I could break out
of it without drugs...and I mostly have, though I still haven't
slept. I made Mark's breakfast and got him up for work. I got
a bill this weekend for a doctor's appointment that I waited a
year for because that doctor was supposedly covered by my
insurance so that's upsetting me...and Mark had his work
finished for the weekend only to find out some ass had
destroyed it at his work so that's bothersome. On the flip
side we found out we'll be saving 10% off our car insurance
because we're such good drivers. I watched a behind the
scenes thing about "Scream" then worked out. Then I did the
dishes and some laundry and cleaned a bit. Might clean some
more but I'm pretty exhausted.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:21 PM
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I did more laundry. I ate. I scanned more pictures. I'm very
tired and will probably sleep as soon as I'm able.

   posted by Bald Jason at 07:46 PM
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   Tuesday, May 17, 2011

I watched Graham Norton with Lady Gaga before sleeping
for several hours. I woke up and hopped online. And then I
got creeped out...

So, last Friday, my friend Tom texted me to let me know
that my ex-bf Michael Slaughter, who I've finally managed
to cut off all contact with (his e-mails are rejected; his
phone #s are blocked; he's deleted & blocked from my
Facebook; blocked on Manhunt; ignored on gay.com when
he tried to contact me on there like 2 weeks ago - and
when he sends e-mails to my roomie he doesn't share
them with me out of respect - Michael is even blocked
from this blog!). So Tom tells me that Michael just hit on
him again and that Tom turned him down - deleted his
messages without even reading them because all Michael
does is ask to meet and then get upset when Tom won't.
Ok. Fine. Then I hear he's been hitting on other people I
know; people that are on my friend / hot lists on gay.com.
Well, I thought maybe I was just imagining a connection.
Well, then like a half hour ago my old friend Don, who I
don't talk to that often, said he needed to talk to me and
that he's been chatting with Michael and that Michael told
him that I'm still interested in dating Michael!?!
Um....WHAT THE FUCK!?! lol. Also, Don, who doesn't want
to get in the middle, and didn't go into detail, said that
Michael scares him. Good for Don, cause he picked up on
that shit WAY before I did. I was completely fooled. But
still...now I'm all creeped out.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:47 AM
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So I just got done talking to Mollie on Skype and she made
me feel all better :) Big thanks to her, and to Mark, who also
helped. :)

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:02 AM
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I had a good day today, though I had a horrible headache for
much of it. I began watching "A Game of Thrones", making it
through the first 3 episodes. I have 2 more to watch, and 5
more will air this season, it airs on Sundays. It's a fantasy, an
adaptation of the first volume in a series, with complex story
and an interesting mix of characters. It's already been
renewed for a 2nd season which will adapt the 2nd book in
the series, which I may yet read. There are gay characters in
series who I've not yet encountered (as far as I know), but
even without them it's a great series - yet it's nice to see a
fantasy series with gay characters. I love LOTR and I do think
of the Frodo / Sam storyline as being gay in nature, though
many people find that interpretation insulting - yet I think
that's up to the audience to decide. But here the characters
will actually be GAY and nobody will have to interpret it any
other way, supposedly. Very cool.

I just read that Nikita has been renewed for a 2nd Season.
Part of me is happy about that, yet part of me...isn't. The first
season finale, while not a fantastic series finale, might have
been the best that they're likely to have. Or maybe it will lost
a long time, or it won't and they'll get a real ending. I don't
know. We'll see I guess.

I slept from about 4:30pm - 10pm. I feel very relaxed now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:28 PM
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   Wednesday, May 18, 2011

After getting up last night I took a bath. I updated some stuff
online. I did some laundry. And I finished the first 5 epsiodes
of "A Game of Thrones". I slept for a bit but woke up in time
to get Mark off to work. I had a slight disagreement with a
friend online, which was handled. My lips are chapped and
it's driving me crazy! lol. I feel a bit stressed and I've just
taken half a xanax. I may take the other half later. I'd like to
get some more cleaning done.

   posted by Bald Jason at 11:05 AM
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   Thursday, May 19, 2011

Woke up with a horrific migrain; my entire head and much of
my upper back hurt, but my painkiller worked! I talked to
Mollie earlier, which was fantastic, and was woken by a
phone call from Travis to talk about BSG; he's now in early
Season 4 and was shocked and impressed by the reveal of
the 4 Cylons. Nice. He doesn't have access to the extended
cuts of episodes so I'm getting those for him - but Mark & I
got to talking about the cuts of BSG that I always hoped for,
in which all the deleted scenes that don't contradict stuff
that's actually in the show would be put back in, and Mark
suggested we do it ourselves as a fan project for ourselves.
Very cool. I'm learning a lot of new info to allow me to do
this, which is frustrating for me, and for Mark, but I'll
hopefully get the hang of it soon. It would be so cool to have
my dream cuts of all of BSG / Caprica. :)

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:16 AM
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Ok. So to add to the href="http://www.gothboy.com/cgi-bin/myblog.cgi?
date=3448">Creepy Michael News that keeps pouring
in
, he's apparently been stalking my blog and
webcam again.
He was blocked but has since moved and so we had to
block
him again.

Michael. If you're somehow reading this...FUCK THE
HELL
OFF & STAY AWAY FROM ME. I don't want to be enemies,
but
I definitely don't want to be friends...because you won't let
me. You were never my friend. You lied to me constantly
and
when we were a couple you cheated on me constantly, and
then later just tried to. You've hurt me so much and I'm
never
going to let that happen again. Clear enough?

Ok. Back to me. I'm looking forward to the new Doctor
Who
on Saturday, yet I know that it's the first part of at least 4,
and that the 4th part won't air until the fall. There might
be a
mini-episode mixed in there, making it a 5 part story. I
also
read yesterday about still more AWESOME new guest stars
in
the new season of Torchwood. Really psyched about the
upcoming season and how all these interesting episodes
of
the Whoniverse fit together :)

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:28 AM
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I washed and dried Mark's towels. I scrubbed the shower and
washed the shower curtain. I'm never able to clean the
shower / tub until it's spotless, but it's always an
improvement. I cleaned the bathroom floor around the tub
and the toilet; so much hair and grime collects there. I put
the dirty dishes in the dishwasher. I'm now washing some of
my towels. I feel like I've gotten a lot done, which is nice.

Making those special extended cuts of BSG will be difficult,
as we're already having problems...and also because the
deleted scenes are all in full screen, while the finished
episodes are in widescreen...which isn't that big of a deal.
Sadly some of the deleted scenes don't have finished special
effects, which sucks - especially a key deleted scene in "The
Plan" which follows up on "Downloaded" and sets up Season
3 in a big way. Once we figure out the editing process I may
be able to edit certain things so that there's no need for the
special effects. We'll see.

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:29 AM
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I made a list of BSG episodes with deleted scenes. Not all the
episodes that have scenes are worth intgrating as sometimes
it's just a single line of dialogue. I made Mark's breakfast and
got him up for work. Then, because it was raining I gave him
a lift to work. I'm having a really great morning. I had a bit of
a smoothie: yummy vitamins :)

I'll probably shave today. I've not shaved in 10 days. Blah.

They've released the promotional description of the mid-
season finale of Doctor Who and it sounds potentially
awesome, and it also confirms that it's at least part 3 of 4;
there will definitely be 4 parts but it's possible that the 3rd
mini-episode they've filmed will air as part of this cycle and
make it a 5 part story...or just as likely it will air later in the
season. We'll see. :) The epic story starts on Saturday.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:07 AM
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   Friday, May 20, 2011

I was up until around 4pm yesterday then slept until around
11:30pm. I've been up since then. I've been watching the
deleted scenes from BSG and there are some MAJOR things
that were cut and I hope we're able to reintegrate that stuff
cause a special edition would be awesome :)

I made Mark breakfast and got him up for work. Gen, the girl
he's been seeing is coming over tonight and staying in his
room. I might start cleaning his room up to help out. It looks
nice outside for the first time this week.

New Doctor Who tomorrow. :)

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:30 AM
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I did 2 loads of Mark's laundry. I talked to Asher on the
phone. I shaved for the first time in almost 2 weeks. I did the
dishes. I'm getting a bit sleepy and might try to get to sleep
early so I can be up later. We'll see.

   posted by Bald Jason at 02:24 PM
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SPOILERS for BSG. Aovid if you've not finished the series.

I've found some remarkable BSG scenes. And I just had a
thought about how the cool storyline that was cut from
"Downloaded" which involved Baltar & the Cylons D'anna &
Gina planning to kidnap Hera could be integrated into "The
Plan" rather than the episode they were originally cut from.
Part of that is simply because with it being from the Cylon
perspective it fits very well with the idea of "The Plan", but
also it will give memorable Cylon Gina a chance to appear, as
well as expand on the appearances of Baltar & D'anna, the
latter of which only has a brief cameo and a veiled reference
in the Cylon centric special (because they couldn't afford
Lucy Lawless's asking price, or so I've heard) - which is a
shame as the character had left the series by this point and
giving new info after the fact would have been a special treat
similar to seeing other deceased characters like Gaeta,
Dualla, Cally, Jean Barolay & Sue-Shawn. The extended cut of
"The Plan" could be AWESOME.

I'm so FRAKKING tired.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:46 PM
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   Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Friday night was HELL. Like...suicidal thoughts HELL. Went
to Aut Bar with Mark & his gf. Tom & Rusty were there.
Tom bought me a leg spreader. It was all GOOD. We
planned to walk to Necto from Aut so that after Necto we
could sober up on the walk back to the car before driving
home. Everything seemed to be going well though I
sensed some minor tension with Mark's gf - which I
suspected would pass. I complimented her on her breasts
(something I do to women all the time and have never
failed to get a thank you); I usually leave it at that though
but she continued the conversation about her breasts and
apparently I said something that offended her - and she
later said she was very sensitive about her breasts, but she
gave no outward sign of this - laughing and playing and
then after I'd walked slowly (so she could keep up) with
them to the Necto and then got them in for free she
freaked out and went all super bitch with no explanation.
Mark didn't understand what had happened either. I called
her on her cuntish behavior and left, as my stomach was
now freaking out from the crazy switch in tude. I had to
walk all the way home because I knew she wouldn't be
able to walk there in her boots. I was throwing up all the
way home...didn't get to dance, which was all I really
wanted and she kept drunkenly texting me talking about
how much fun SHE was having and she couldn't seem to
grasp that I couldn't go back to the bar now because I was
ill. My keyboard had died earlier that night so I couldn't
chat. Mark was with her so I didn't have him. I felt very
alone, and very broken. Most of the time when my
stomach freaks out I do a fairly good job of keeping
myself from feeling alone in my fucked up condition...I
somehow manage to keep my spirits up but I was crashing
fast. I took a xanax & a shower, put in some earplugs and
waited to pass out...so that the suicidal thoughts would be
tempered by the morning. I slept for a bit before SHE
drunkenly woke me up, me naked, her apologising and
then leaving - only she was still so loud that I could hear
her with my earplugs in. It was horrible.

Next day was a bit better though Mark had to cancel his
plans with me so he could go away with her so my plans
were spoiled again. I tried to not be upset. I told her it's
just a period of adjustment because she & I are both
sensitive and we don't know each others' bounderies yet
and that hopefully, eventually we'll be good friends. I want
to believe that, but part of me suspects that she won't let
that happen...and I'm also a little gun shy now that I've
seen her personality flip flop - like I need to spend time
with her to get to know her...yet I'm afraid to do that
because I don't want to experience that drama again and
end up hating her because she & Mark are actually cute
together. I should probably mention that I'm not jealous of
Mark being with her at all...which I sort of was with
Jennifer. But they had lots of sex during the weekend,
sometimes with me in the next room, and it didn't bother
me at all; I even gave them condoms to try as she has an
allergy to latex like I do. Mark is my best friend and we
were once connected on a sexual level, but I think we've
grown beyond that - which is kind of cool actually. So it's
not all bad.

Oh. Another thing. She has this condescention thing about
how 'gays have to use condoms' like HIV is a gay disease.
It really annoys me.

Sunday I picked Mark up from her place. She had to
reference Friday night - which for me was like getting
punched in the gut - her talking about how much fun she
had at the bar...which I think is insensitive of her since I
didn't get to have fun at the bar because of her. I don't
think she gets that yet. She later taggeed me in a post on
Facebook where she referenced Friday AGAIN. I wanted to
just forget about it but she keeps dragging it up again. :(

Sunday & Monday Mark helped me work on my BSG /
Caprica editing project. We're hopefully close to figuring
out the process so that I can work it on my own but I
couldn't have done this without Mark. I'm smart about
some things...and then there are things that I'm extremely
stupid about. I'm extremely grateful to all his help with
this. Hopefully I'll be on track this week and start getting
stuff done. :)

Mark encouraged me to go to the bar last night and I'm
grateful for that too. I danced a lot. And I met some
people that made me smile...though there was no
romance or sexy time - which I was actually in the mood
for. I got buzzed. And I did have a really good night. And I
think I looked good. After the bar I ended up talking to
Tony Glassman for several hours and didn't get to bed
until like 5am.

Oh. I wrote an expressive poem last night after the bar
which pleased me as since Michael I've not been writing
much.

May 31, 2011:

The bald boy dancing on the pole is amazing but I don't
want him. Yet I want to fuck. Want to be swept up in
something and forget what I am.

I drink. I'm buzzed. And I can forget the horrible weekend.

This is something close to what that bitch felt on Friday.

I dance and I sweat and I drink and I talk to the pretty girl
named Ashley who just broke up with her boyfriend of 4.5
years. Men are dicks.

She and her friends talk about the balls on my chin.

I pretend that I'm normal. I pretend that I don't feel ill. I
smile and I laugh and it feels good even though it isn't
real.

When I leave I vomit on the sidewalk. It tastes like pop
rocks thanks to Sex on the Playground.

The Breathe Me song echoes in my head and it won't leave
me alone and I'm grateful.

These words pour out of me.

Typing is magic.

Written by Jason Wright
May 31, 2011

Today I got a headache and it felt different than usual and
I realized I'd not eaten in at least 18 hours. I fixed that. I
have an appointment at HARC later to get tested.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:24 PM
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I picked up Mark from work then he went to HARC with
me; HARC stands for the HIV / AIDS Resource Center. I
tested negative for HIV. I was pretty confident that I was
negative as Michael had tested negative after we broke up
and I've not had unprotected sex since breaking up with
him, and might not ever do so again now that I have found
condoms that don't rip me apart inside. I'd developed an
alergy to latex a few years ago and the condoms made me
bleed which is why I wanted to do unprotected in the first
place - and I was tested with Michael after we'd been
together for 3 months and thought I was safe but of
course he was a lying, cheating bastard and it's only blind
luck that prevented me from getting a serious STD from
him.

On the way to HARC we saw a woman in a hospital gown
type shirt, with an emergency bracelet stumbling away
from the hospital. She was walking down the center of a
lane towards oncoming traffic and then crossed an active
intersection - she collapsed on the other side and her left
hand looked stained with what looked like blood. Mark
called 911 and reported her. I hope they found her and
that she's ok.

After HARC we went to Kroger and Little Caesars. The food
was good. We watched some GLEE though it was
interuppted by a phone call from GEN. I assume we'll
finish it when he's done and then he'll test this program
which might solve the video editing conundrum...

I've been listening to "Breath Me" by Sia on repeat, along
with a mashup that features the music from that and the
vocals of "Shine" by John Legend (which is a huge
improvement over the orignal music IMO). Anyways - I'm
really grooving on them for some reason. I'm finding them
rather hauting and inspiring.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:47 PM
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