Tuesday, May 31, 2011

Friday night was HELL. Like...suicidal thoughts HELL. Went
to Aut Bar with Mark & his gf. Tom & Rusty were there.
Tom bought me a leg spreader. It was all GOOD. We
planned to walk to Necto from Aut so that after Necto we
could sober up on the walk back to the car before driving
home. Everything seemed to be going well though I
sensed some minor tension with Mark's gf - which I
suspected would pass. I complimented her on her breasts
(something I do to women all the time and have never
failed to get a thank you); I usually leave it at that though
but she continued the conversation about her breasts and
apparently I said something that offended her - and she
later said she was very sensitive about her breasts, but she
gave no outward sign of this - laughing and playing and
then after I'd walked slowly (so she could keep up) with
them to the Necto and then got them in for free she
freaked out and went all super bitch with no explanation.
Mark didn't understand what had happened either. I called
her on her cuntish behavior and left, as my stomach was
now freaking out from the crazy switch in tude. I had to
walk all the way home because I knew she wouldn't be
able to walk there in her boots. I was throwing up all the
way home...didn't get to dance, which was all I really
wanted and she kept drunkenly texting me talking about
how much fun SHE was having and she couldn't seem to
grasp that I couldn't go back to the bar now because I was
ill. My keyboard had died earlier that night so I couldn't
chat. Mark was with her so I didn't have him. I felt very
alone, and very broken. Most of the time when my
stomach freaks out I do a fairly good job of keeping
myself from feeling alone in my fucked up condition...I
somehow manage to keep my spirits up but I was crashing
fast. I took a xanax & a shower, put in some earplugs and
waited to pass out...so that the suicidal thoughts would be
tempered by the morning. I slept for a bit before SHE
drunkenly woke me up, me naked, her apologising and
then leaving - only she was still so loud that I could hear
her with my earplugs in. It was horrible.

Next day was a bit better though Mark had to cancel his
plans with me so he could go away with her so my plans
were spoiled again. I tried to not be upset. I told her it's
just a period of adjustment because she & I are both
sensitive and we don't know each others' bounderies yet
and that hopefully, eventually we'll be good friends. I want
to believe that, but part of me suspects that she won't let
that happen...and I'm also a little gun shy now that I've
seen her personality flip flop - like I need to spend time
with her to get to know her...yet I'm afraid to do that
because I don't want to experience that drama again and
end up hating her because she & Mark are actually cute
together. I should probably mention that I'm not jealous of
Mark being with her at all...which I sort of was with
Jennifer. But they had lots of sex during the weekend,
sometimes with me in the next room, and it didn't bother
me at all; I even gave them condoms to try as she has an
allergy to latex like I do. Mark is my best friend and we
were once connected on a sexual level, but I think we've
grown beyond that - which is kind of cool actually. So it's
not all bad.

Oh. Another thing. She has this condescention thing about
how 'gays have to use condoms' like HIV is a gay disease.
It really annoys me.

Sunday I picked Mark up from her place. She had to
reference Friday night - which for me was like getting
punched in the gut - her talking about how much fun she
had at the bar...which I think is insensitive of her since I
didn't get to have fun at the bar because of her. I don't
think she gets that yet. She later taggeed me in a post on
Facebook where she referenced Friday AGAIN. I wanted to
just forget about it but she keeps dragging it up again. :(

Sunday & Monday Mark helped me work on my BSG /
Caprica editing project. We're hopefully close to figuring
out the process so that I can work it on my own but I
couldn't have done this without Mark. I'm smart about
some things...and then there are things that I'm extremely
stupid about. I'm extremely grateful to all his help with
this. Hopefully I'll be on track this week and start getting
stuff done. :)

Mark encouraged me to go to the bar last night and I'm
grateful for that too. I danced a lot. And I met some
people that made me smile...though there was no
romance or sexy time - which I was actually in the mood
for. I got buzzed. And I did have a really good night. And I
think I looked good. After the bar I ended up talking to
Tony Glassman for several hours and didn't get to bed
until like 5am.

Oh. I wrote an expressive poem last night after the bar
which pleased me as since Michael I've not been writing
much.

May 31, 2011:

The bald boy dancing on the pole is amazing but I don't
want him. Yet I want to fuck. Want to be swept up in
something and forget what I am.

I drink. I'm buzzed. And I can forget the horrible weekend.

This is something close to what that bitch felt on Friday.

I dance and I sweat and I drink and I talk to the pretty girl
named Ashley who just broke up with her boyfriend of 4.5
years. Men are dicks.

She and her friends talk about the balls on my chin.

I pretend that I'm normal. I pretend that I don't feel ill. I
smile and I laugh and it feels good even though it isn't
real.

When I leave I vomit on the sidewalk. It tastes like pop
rocks thanks to Sex on the Playground.

The Breathe Me song echoes in my head and it won't leave
me alone and I'm grateful.

These words pour out of me.

Typing is magic.

Written by Jason Wright
May 31, 2011

Today I got a headache and it felt different than usual and
I realized I'd not eaten in at least 18 hours. I fixed that. I
have an appointment at HARC later to get tested.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:24 PM
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I picked up Mark from work then he went to HARC with
me; HARC stands for the HIV / AIDS Resource Center. I
tested negative for HIV. I was pretty confident that I was
negative as Michael had tested negative after we broke up
and I've not had unprotected sex since breaking up with
him, and might not ever do so again now that I have found
condoms that don't rip me apart inside. I'd developed an
alergy to latex a few years ago and the condoms made me
bleed which is why I wanted to do unprotected in the first
place - and I was tested with Michael after we'd been
together for 3 months and thought I was safe but of
course he was a lying, cheating bastard and it's only blind
luck that prevented me from getting a serious STD from
him.

On the way to HARC we saw a woman in a hospital gown
type shirt, with an emergency bracelet stumbling away
from the hospital. She was walking down the center of a
lane towards oncoming traffic and then crossed an active
intersection - she collapsed on the other side and her left
hand looked stained with what looked like blood. Mark
called 911 and reported her. I hope they found her and
that she's ok.

After HARC we went to Kroger and Little Caesars. The food
was good. We watched some GLEE though it was
interuppted by a phone call from GEN. I assume we'll
finish it when he's done and then he'll test this program
which might solve the video editing conundrum...

I've been listening to "Breath Me" by Sia on repeat, along
with a mashup that features the music from that and the
vocals of "Shine" by John Legend (which is a huge
improvement over the orignal music IMO). Anyways - I'm
really grooving on them for some reason. I'm finding them
rather hauting and inspiring.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:47 PM
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