Sunday, June 26, 2011

I watched some 'Will & Grace'; I really need a new sitcom. And
then...I slept again. I've certainly had a lot of sleep in the last
36 hours.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:00 AM
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   Monday, June 27, 2011

I did nothing until Mark got home around 2pm I think. Then
after a bit I washed my sheets. I did the dishes. Then Mark &
I went for a walk to Borders and then went to Little Caesars
and Krogers. Home. Everything was good. I chatted online. I
need to harvest and plant one of my farms and then I might
take my pill and then sleep.

Oh. And I've been throwing up for an hour. So glad my pills
disolve in my mouth or this whole thing would be pointless.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:18 AM
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Took my pill a bit ago.

Wish me luck.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:51 AM
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   Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Slept a lot, but the effects of the drug (Mirtazapine) seemed
much more mild this time. I didn't have a headache or
vomiting most of the day, which is good news...though I just
had some food come back up. Possibly from stress. I don't
really feel like spilling all that out now though.

   posted by Bald Jason at 12:05 AM
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I took the 2nd dose. I'm sleepy. Mark & I watched the first
half of the Star Wars Clone Wars Micro Series; he's ready for
the current series. We might start that tomorrow. I'm gonna
use some listerine and then go to bed...though I might watch
True Blood while I'm laying down.

   posted by Bald Jason at 01:24 AM
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   Wednesday, June 29, 2011

I did watch 'True Blood' (4x01) before sleeping Tuesday
morning and it was pretty good. I slept well. On Tuesday I
watched what I ate and was pretty much ok. Mark & I went
for a great walk. We also watched quite a bit of Star Wars:
The Clone Wars. It was a good day.

My meds are affecting the way I think or process
information...but it's sort of random at the moment...or
that's how it feels.

Today I woke from extremely interesting dreams...to
cuddles with Mark. I hurt my upper back somehow, which
is really just annoying...and I ate too much, which made
me ill...which meant that we couldn't go for the walk we
had planned on because Mark had to be with Gen today. I
don't blame her for my messed up plans...I don't blame
Mark for waiting around either...I blame my stomach. After
he left I did something that's happened a couple of times
lately but never in the past. I ate. And ate. And ate. I'm
sure it's like what people that eat and purge go through
on some level, and I'm surprised it hasn't happened before
now because I'm always SO FUCKING HUNGRY. It's horrible
the way I have to eat small amounts of everything...and
even then some of it, or somtimes all of it comes back
up...and I'm just sick of it. I'm tired of being hungry all the
time.

I showered and scrubbed / brushed my teeth. I feel so
empty right now that I'm amazed that I'm sitting here.

   posted by Bald Jason at 09:22 PM
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Fuck. I was going to work on some BSG edits but I don't have
the stuff I need. I won't have it until Mark gets home
tomorrow. :(

I'm feeling a bit better now, though I'm still exhausted, and
very hungry.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:00 PM
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   Thursday, June 30, 2011

I watched some Static Shock before bed. I woke this
morning with Mark in my room; seems like a dream now.
He hooked me up with the stuff I need to edit BSG and
other stuff but it was $80.00 more expensive than he
thought - he got it though and told me happy birthday.
lol. Thanks Mark.

I slept sort of well. I woke up with my back hurting worse
and my head feeling like it was going to crack open and
explode! I took some pain killer. I harvested and planted
my farm... I'm feeling very sensitive to light. I wonder if
that's a side effect of my meds? I had something like a
panic attack after discussing my condition on Facebook -
everything seemed so dire. I was shaking and couldn't
stop. I didn't take a xanax, but I took a hot bath with
candlelight. I was feeling crazy vulnerable and locked both
locks on the front door and then the bathroom too. I did
manage to relax a bit. I think I'm going to take a xanax
too.

Mark just called.

I was thinking about how I need to get hooked up with a
shrink. And maybe try yoga or something. I was thinking
about spirituality and how it's very calming for some
people and I thought maybe I'd give it a try. I'm wonding if
a true belief in a god is required to get the benefits of
such an action? I'd pick a god who was gay friendly...and I
don't really believe in such things yet maybe the very act
of supplication to the universe might give me something.
It's worth a try, isn't it? Perhaps this is a sign that I'm
going completely insane...or that I'm just getting to the
point where I'm desperate enough to try anything. The
alternative is suicide. Seriously. Like...everything seems so
fucking horrible right now and if anything keeps me here
I'm calling that good. It's not even that I see death as bad
because I don't...I just think it would hurt so many people
and I don't want to hurt anyone...I just want to find some
solace which is becoming harder and harder.

I think the painkiller I took just kicked in. My back hurts.
My jaw aches. My stomach retches. And I'm still so very
hungry. I have The Smiths stuck in my head and that's the
only good thing going on at the moment.

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:46 PM
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After Mark got home we went for a walk. I got a coffee drink.
We walked home - it was all good. We then went to Meijer
where Mark hooked me up with vitamins and some stuff I
needed. We went to LC where I got some cheese bread for
later this weekend. We went to Blockbuster - the first time
I've been in a video store in years. I didn't get anything. We
went to Whole Foods where I got some vegan stuff to try, 3
kinds of nuts to snack on...and some coconut based ice
cream. Came home. Read the news.

Torchwood begins in just 8 days. And then we'll probably
have at least 1 whoniverse installment a week through
November I think, and then a Christmas Special in
December...then probably nothing new until the fall of 2012
unless they rush forward with a new season of Torchwood,
but Season 32 of the Whoniverse should be finished at last.
We'll see.

I feel extremely spacey.

   posted by Bald Jason at 08:28 PM
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