Friday, June 1, 2012

More than a handful of people have approached me to find out what has befallen me in the absence of any new blog posts for 5 straight months. Part of me feels like nothing has happened in those 5 months, though the truth of it, as many more have told me, is that change takes time, and sudden change is always devastating and takes a long time to recover from...which is where I am now. I'm in the process of change and reaction to change and just trying to survive the metamorphosis which a year ago felt like a death sentence, and which now feels more akin to...well, something slower. On hopeful days there is the possibility of revelatory consequences to seemingly horrific betrayals. On other days just one breath after another is difficult and must be concentrated on. And then there are moments where everything seems impossible and the people and inspirations keeping me on this mortal plain seem dim and without merit...yet they always manage to burn that much brighter and manage to keep me here until my despair is manageable. So basically...I lost my illusions of safety and continuity and now my post traumatic stress disorder runs rampant across my world.

I feel homeless. I have shelter for which I'm very grateful, yet I feel like it's utterly, devastatingly transitory. Maybe that's always the most honest truth for everyone alive but I miss the illusion of stability more than anything else I think. I feel vulnerable. I feel bruised. I don't even feel safe writing this. And I worry this new sense of weakness may never change.

Someday, perhaps soon, this site and this blog will be dismantled. I have no control over this. I can't actually update the site any longer...and I can't even pretend to understand the pressures and motives of anyone who would keep or destroy something that I poured myself into for 14 years. It has represented me quite well...and it's potential immolation is somehow both comforting and desolating. Perhaps it is both confirmation of invisibility and one of the final contracts to be sundered...allowing for possibility and growth? I just know that it hurts.

So what have I done in the last 6 months? Well...I've worked. And that's not a bad thing. I can honestly say that I mostly love my job. There are times when it's difficult because of my health...which I'll cover in a minute. Now and again there is a cranky customer...but really my job is pretty fun and I work with fun people. I don't really remember if I talked about this in my last entry but I was hired at Starbucks and after learning the majority of the recipes and working out some rough edges ("I like rough edges.") I'm a fairly good Barista for a company that supports LGBT equality and that's something, isn't it?

Alcohol. Loving it more as I get older. I'm not an alcoholic. I don't drink every day. I don't even drink every week, but when I do, it's something that relaxes me, doesn't make me ill (or more ill) and I know enough about it to get a buzz without drinking too much or spending too much and I like this.

People want to know how I'm doing. At least they say that they do. I'm not sure how to answer. I'm still sick almost always. When people see me smiling at work or hanging out in a bar...I'm almost always sick while these events are happening. It never really goes away...and it's exhausting trying to make myself feel well enough to enjoy those moments...even when it's all that I crave. Some days are worse than others. But on the bad days I'm shocked that I ever achieve the good ones...and they most certainly are an achievement. I have to struggle through an act of will to have those good days...even when physically it would seem they should be anything but that. I guess I'm proud of myself for that.

I'm still dating Aaron. We've been dating for more than 7 months now. I've never had a relationship quite like this one. We don't fight. When we see each other it's always good. It's just getting to see each other that's difficult. We're both so busy that sometimes I feel almost single, but I'm not, and while this is strange and new, I am more than willing to explore this relationship to it's fullest...and to work on all the interesting aspects until it's the best that it can be. When I met Aaron, if I'm completely honest, I needed him desperately...and I knew that if things didn't work out, well, he'd be moving to New York come August or September and so I had a built in get-out-of-jail-free card. Only...it's not a prison and that card has transformed into a ticket out of Michigan and still more life changes that both stimulate and terrify me...as it looks like I'll be moving to New York with Aaron come September.

So...why New York? Well, for one thing, Aaron will be there and I can transfer to a Starbucks there (which are found there in abundance) so I'll have a job and someone that I care about who cares about me. I'm not in debt so there's no sort of weight holding me here. Many of my closest friends (Mollie, Paul, Brooks) have moved away or soon will (Carrie). I'll miss my family terribly, especially in the wake of our improved familial nature...but change seems inevitable...and maybe instead of fighting it, embracing it is the path to healing? Healing. To heal, it might be very necessary to leave this place behind. It's haunted here. The way my brain works, which I'm acutely aware is different from the majority of the people that I know...perhaps all of the people that I know...is that...well, I have this ability to remember events that most people seem to forget. This has been both blessing and curse...usually much more the former...but increasingly much more the latter. I get overwhelmed by the amount of memory that assails me here in this place that I've existed nearly all my life...and leaving that behind might be difficult...but maybe it's the only way to escape that weight of ghosts. Who would have thought that ghosts weighed so much? lol. A fresh start though. That seems nice. And I've recently been to New York, which I enjoyed quite a lot. Janice mentioned that her family could vacation there and Mollie seemed to like the idea of living there too. And if my family was ever in crisis...it's just 9 hours away by car and faster by plane.

What else have I done? Um...I saw "The Avengers", which was well worth the wait. I saw "Avenue Q" off Broadway, which was fantastic. I read "The Wonderful Wizard of Oz", "Daughter of Hounds" & the chap book "Mercury"; I want to read more Kiernan. I want to see "Prometheus". I'm seeing "Wicked" with Aaron next month. I managed to work out some of my long standing D.C.A.U. chronology project issues; everything from the later seasons of JLU to all of Batman Beyond / The Zeta Project has been solved to my liking. I'm watching the Doctor Whoniverse with Aaron; we watched 5 episodes last week ("Small Worlds", "Gridlock", "Countrycide", "The Infinite Quest" & "Greeks Bearing Gifts"), which is rare for us, but was a lot of fun. Aaron likes the way I put things together in my head...and the way I can ramble on and on about why this or that episode of this or that show takes place here or there instead of where it aired. lol. I'm very lucky for that, because I imagine it must annoy a lot of people. lol. I suppose it's come in useful for him since it's helping him to traverse The Clone Wars.

I had another kidney stone. It was hell. But it sort of led to new friendships (Brian and Anne). It also gave me another nice memory of my parents being there when I needed them. Thank you.

What else? A childhood friend shot himself to death last month. There are rumors of meth use or a possible killer. All I know for certain is that a boy that I used to play with...who grew distant...who always seemed troubled, moved on, had a life, which eventually ended before mine did.

Suicide. About suicide. I've contemplated killing myself any number of times. Many times have I contemplated it in just the last year. I fought the impulse and through therapy, and family, and friends, I've managed to hold on a bit longer. But that's all that we do, isn't it? Hold on a bit longer until the end finally comes. And I want to say something. I'm not planning on killing myself. This isn't a suicide note per say, but if I ever do end my life I want people to know that it wasn't because I had a fight with a boyfriend...or it was because I was gay...or any number of other stupid things that people might assume. Honestly, my life is difficult. I've been sick (Idiopathic Gastro Paresis) almost constantly, for 11 years, and that on top of any other number of problems...or that alone, in and of itself is extremely exhausting. If I ever offed myself I'm sure this would be a factor. It wouldn't be because I wasn't loved or for a lack of me loving my parents or sisters or nephews or niece or anyone in that realm of closely, dearly loved people. It would be more about me ending my suffering. And I don't think that's selfish and I would never begrudge anyone their right to do the same. Actually, when people talk about suicide being selfish, it always translates to me as those people saying it being selfish; they want their friends and family to be around, even though their dead loved ones clearly didn't want to be there anymore. Fuck that.

I mentioned family a couple of times. And if one thing has been really wonderful in the last year, through all of the change and loss and stress...it has been my family; my relatives. My mother and my fathers, my sisters (Mollie included), my maternal grandparents, cousins, nephews, niece...even my sister's family dog Ubu, have all been there when I needed an anchor...a grounding force that held me here when nothing else could. And I'm more grateful for those relationships than in any other time in my life. Friends were there too, surely. Friends like Jean and Carrie and Ilyssa. But family was something that I'd given up on along the way somewhere...but I've somehow reclaimed it and I don't ever want to let go of that again.

Anything else? There's a Hollywood Video reunion party tomorrow. My oldest nephew is graduating High School on Sunday. Pride is this weekend, though I doubt I'll get to go; I've actually never been to Pride. Ever. It's a regret of mine.

OK. That was all very...needed. But I also need sleep...so I'm going to go. Who knows if I'll ever write in this blog again? But at least now if I don't, there's a sort of explanation. A bit of closure I guess. Goodnight.

   posted by Bald Jason at 10:15 AM
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