I met Jeremy Merklinger at Out Fest, in late September 2001. I had recently gotten out of a relationship that ended horribly (with Travis Kelley), and I was just starting to be ok with that. Jeremy was the first boy I met after Travis that I wanted on sight. lol. There was this amazing chemistry between us that just can't be replicated; there still is. He was working with WRAP, which I thought was cool, and so I stayed to help out; trying to get to know him better. I can't express to you enough, how exciting he was, or how much his smile stimulated me. It was amazing. Except that when I asked about the guy who was glaring at me, Jeremy introduced him as his boyfriend Danny. Yikes. I asked him how long they had dated; thinking that maybe they'd only been together a few weeks, and the chemistry between us (which was obviously mutual) might win out. They'd been dating for 2 years, he told me. Well, that was the end of that. I had to respect that he had a serious partner and I had to walk away, which was really horrible, actually. Still, it wasn't like I didn't find other people attractive that night - but whatever feeling Jeremy inspired in me trumped just about anyone else I'd ever met; seriously.
I ran into him a couple times over the next few years. Once he said it would be nice if I visited him at the WRAP office, which I did. But I found being around him almost painful. It gave me this amazing high, but then I wasn't allowed to explore it. That probably sounds really selfish or shallow, but I tried to stay away from him because I was afraid that I might actually lose control or something, and I didn't want to hurt Jeremy or Danny just because I was walking around with a hardon.
I continued to see him now & again. I almost always saw him at Out Fest, though I chose not to attend the 2005 party. I ran into him again Friday morning, May 26, 2006 at the Aut Bar. I knew that he worked near there, and had seen him in the area several times, but I'd' never actually seen him inside of the bar. I thought that our mutual attraction would fade over time; it had been over 4 and 1/2 years since we'd met, but the fire was still there. Every time I saw him I asked how he & Danny were doing. Part of that was because I wanted to know if they were ok, but selfishly, it was my way of seeing if the relationship had ended, allowing me access to the prize I'd been eyeing for years now. Up until now the answer was always the same: they were good; they were happy; they were great. This time was different.
Jeremy told me they had opened up their relationship, and could see other people. Now, you'd think I'd bee thrilled about that, but I wasn't. Lots of married/coupled guys have hit on me in the past, and wanted to include me in their open relationships, but that's never seemed like enough for me. I want to date the men that I'm attracted to, and I like to be monogamous. Some of the men that have suggested such options to me really did care about me, but there was always the question of the actual boyfriend/husband/wife; what happened if s/he was hurt? What if they changed their minds after I was involved? It just seemed too complicated to seriously consider. But what I did think was cool about this, was that I could finally get to know Jeremy better. I mean, before I always felt like if I was spending time with him I was encroaching on somebody else's happiness. Now I was allowed to do more than that, and so there wasn't any pressure, which I found appealing.
Jeremy was fairly drunk, so he said a lot of stuff that he might not have, had he been sober. He admitted that he still wanted me. He told me all kinds of things. And after we talked for a few hours at the bar, he followed me to my place, and we spent the night together. I had only intended to talk with him...but then we just had so much more in common that I had expected that it seemed pointless to resist. There was also the thought that maybe his relationship with Danny would change again and this opportunity would be missed, and I didn't want to have that regret, so I just closed my eyes and jumped. The conversations were heart-wrenching. The sex was amazing. And the showering, cuddling, sleeping together, skin to skin, was more than I dared hope for from someone who still had a boyfriend.
The next morning, as Jeremy got ready to leave, I told him that this was very odd. If he were single I'd be making plans with him to see him again. He said he had a great night, which I never doubted, and we said our goodbyes. I started seeing him fairly regularly; our interactions were always intense, and we eventually admitted that we were dating. Danny knew about this, and so did a couple of boys who I went out with once or twice - we tried to be honest with everyone; we'd agreed that honesty was key. I got to meet some of his friends, and coworkers, just as he met several of mine. He introduced me to his close friend Kim, who I'm very happy to know.
And he eventually met several of my family members.
But to make a long story less long, we dated for about a month, which was filled with passionate conversations, amazing revelations, intensely erotic sex, moments of extreme kindness & sensitivity, and we were falling for each other without even trying. But that type of a relationship was impossible in our current state. There were outside forces; emotional wounds that had never been healed or even acknowledged, that needed to be explored and rectified. The realization of our dilemma was painful, but honest in a way that our entire relationship had been, from the very beginning when there was no denying the attraction between us even when it couldn't be acted upon. I broke up with Jeremy the morning of July 2, 2006 - so I could be his friend on a level that a relationship just wouldn't allow for at this time.
I don't know what the future holds for us, or how it will play out.
Here's what I do know: I know that I love him; that I care for him deeply, on a level that I can barely comprehend, let alone explain. I know that he cares about me, and maybe even needs me. I know that I want to be a real part of his life; not just some shadow of a friend, who's only around for the really good times, or the extremely dire ones. I know that I want to help him in any way that I can. I know that he's on a personal journey that may not always allow for a friend or confidant, let alone a boyfriend or lover. I know that I could easily kill those that have harmed him...with my hands...with pleasure. I know that the attraction that drew me to him is still very much a part of me. I know that my friendship with Jeremy may never be easy but will surely be worth it. And I know that I'm grateful for every moment I've spent with him.
