THE STORY OF SEAN & JASON:

I met Sean Mobley at a Tori Amos concert, October 18, 2001.  This night out with Mark Adams, Marcus Adams & his wife Julie was meant to get me out of the house, as I was going through one of the hardest times in my entire life.  My family had always had problems with Acid Reflux, but in August of 2001, I'd developed extremely serious symptoms that changed my life forever, and this depressed me more than I completely understood.  That unwelcome news came around the time that my then fiancé, Travis Kelley had betrayed me, horribly.  I had been unemployed for some time, which I didn't really think was a problem, but deep down it bothered me a lot; not because I felt like a loser or something, but because I was cut off from people.  So...I was cut off from people, depressed about the recent changes in my life, and while I should have taken some time off for myself, and just healed, that isn't what I did.

The night of the concert, when we were seated, we quickly realized we weren't seated correctly.  While my companions approached a theater worker, I stood and noticed a cute guy checking me out.  I forgot my recent troubles for a second, and went over to say hello.  There was an empty seat next to him so I sat down and we chatted for a few minutes.  He was blushing non-stop, and he told me he was 16 years old.  I was 27 at the time, and I said I should probably go, and when I went to move away from him, he kissed me on the cheek and told me I was beautiful.  He was shaking, and I asked him if he was ok, and he told me that he had never hit on anyone before.  Wow.  I remember feeling so flattered, while being impressed that he was so bold, and so untouched by all the shit that was plaguing my life...and it just seemed so innocent...  I smiled at him, and told him it was ok, and I asked him if he'd like a 'real kiss'?  He nodded, and I gave him the best kiss I could.  I told him I had to go sit with my friends, but that if he wanted another kiss, that he should wait for me after the show.

After the show (which was fantastic, and featured Rufus Wainwright for the opening act!), I said my goodbyes to Sean.  I flirted with him, thinking it was still all innocent fun; something special we'd both look back on & smile about.  He mentioned something about how his mom could kiss his ass, and I told him she'd have to wait in line.  I kissed him goodbye, and we went our separate ways.  I remember that Julie was super impressed with the whole thing, and that I felt better than I had in months. 

But the story didn't end there, because during our goodbyes I mentioned something about my webpage.  Sean tracked me down through this place, and had a friend e-mail me.  Eventually we began exchanging e-mails, and then letters & phone calls.  I got to know his family over the phone and was eventually invited over to meet them.  They lived a little over an hour North of Ann Arbor, (but it took far longer in traffic, especially since much of the route was under construction) which given my new stomach troubles was quite annoying to drive, but I made the journey gladly.  It was nice to meet the family, but it was surreal because they all seemed to think of us as a couple, which I hadn't really considered, given our age difference. 

I started visiting more often; the family was such a fun group of people, and eventually Sean's dad pulled me aside and asked me why I wasn't dating his son.  I thought this was a trick question or something.  I pointed out that I was 27 and that Sean was 16, but papa bear would have none of that.  He said that his son cared about me, and that he was OUT, and that I'd demonstrated through my actions that I cared about him, and that I wouldn't hurt him, and this meant more to him than the age difference.  Well...it was beyond strange to have an entire family (including his mum & brother) encourage me to date a 16 year old, even if I did care about him, and enjoy his company...but I just went with the flow.

I know that was a mistake now.  And people warned me of this at the time.  Some friends claimed that he would end up hating me, because you always end up hating your first, which I didn't really understand, because I don't hate mine.  Others were just really upset about the age difference, and they didn't hide it, which was upsetting.  They didn't understand what was going on with me, and I didn't really understand it either.  But when I started going out there; the sense of family  that I felt there...I cherished it, and I didn't want that to end.  Beyond that, I did really care about Sean, and he impressed & amazed me.  He was OUT so young, just as I had been, which I've learned was very rare among my peers.  He was very passionate about art; he wanted to go to art school.  I found him to be incredible, and I just got swept up in those feelings.  But they weren't to last.

Our dating consisted of me spending money I didn't have, to drive hours just to see him.  I hadn't adjusted to the new medications that I was taking, which made my body ultra-sensitive to touch; I often didn't want to be touched, which I tried to explain to him, but he took this as selfishness - which I didn't understand.  In fact, in retrospect it was selfish of him to not respect my boundaries.  It sucked on both sides, I guess.  I was driving out to see him on a regular basis (which was physically hard on me, which in itself was a new a debilitating consequence for me, that I hadn't had enough time to deal with).  I was short on cash.  I made mixed cds for him (including his cherished Tori songs that he didn't have access to at the time), and I gave him an Army jacket (that had been a gift to me) because he didn't have a jacket, and it was cold outside.  My friends & family couldn't accept the age difference, and constantly put me down for it, and I ignored them and concentrated on him.  I wrote him poetry, as I've done for people I've cared for, all my life, and instead of thanking me, he complained that it was all so graphic that he couldn't show anyone - which hurt me deeply.  And in early February he told me that he had personal issues with our relationship; that he felt guilty for being with me, because part of him felt that he should be with a woman and that he should have children with a woman.  I told him that I had no idea that he felt that way, and that this was something that I couldn't help him with.  I told him that I would give him some space to explore these feelings, but that I would still be his friend.  I said goodbye for now to his father, and then I cried all the way home.

I tried to get in touch with him in the next few weeks, but I stopped myself every time.  It just hurt too much.  And after what he told me, I wondered if I hadn't really fucked him up, and just maybe he didn't want to see me; or maybe it was best that we have this space.  He never contacted me, which sort of reaffirmed my feelings that he didn't want or need to see me.  I felt stupid for trusting him, when he didn't even know who he was.  I felt stupid for taking him at face value.  And yet a lot of that wasn't his fault, was it?  I mean, I should have known, shouldn't I have?  But I still felt slightly betrayed.  I wanted to be his friend, but I didn't want to talk to him right away; the pain was still too close to the surface.  And I think that was the right decision because it allowed me to work a lot of shit out.  I started helping Mark with his home business.  I starting looking for a job outside of the condo, and got a job at Hollywood Video where they quickly wanted to promote me.  And I started handling my meds a lot better.  It still wasn't perfect, but I was finally starting to feel something like I did before things got really bad.

While we weren't talking; I still thought about Sean often, and I still wrote about him.  I began working on a special cd for him called "Six Inch Valley', which was a quote from "I'm On Fire"; a Bruce Springsteen tune, which Tori Amos covered; both versions would have been used on the CD as bookends with other songs by Aaliyah ("Age Ain't Nothing But A Number"), Destiny's Child, Stevie Nicks ("Edge of 17"), The Verve, Alkaline Trio, Vertical Horizon, Less Than Jake, Stacy Q, Richie Sambora, Saves The Day & The Cure; each song hand picked for it's relevance to Sean.  The Aaliyah track has even more significance than you'd suspect, as I knew that Sean had been anxious to see her final acting role in "The Queen of The Damned".  With thought like that put into the cd, plus poetry I'd written over the last few months I was hoping this cd would be warmly received.  In early April I sent Sean an e-mail, with 3 of the new poems I'd written him (the others don't even appear on this site); hoping to learn how he had faired with his exploration, and hopefully to allow communication to begin anew.

Sean,

 I miss you.

 I know you have stuff to deal with so I won't prolong this, but I just wanted to let you know I'm still breathing & I miss you.

 love always,

Jason

 p.s.

here are some poems:

http://www.gothboy.com/poetry/2002/random_sean_thoughts.htm

http://www.gothboy.com/poetry/2002/burning_the_cherry.htm

http://www.gothboy.com/poetry/2002/six_inch_valley_the.htm

 hope you are well.

jw

The response I got was shocking & hurtful: