From the first moment I saw him I felt something;

it wasn't the attraction that bothered me...

it was the sensation of vulnerability

that I felt every time he looked into my eyes.

Whether this feeling was his or mine made no difference;

I hated it...So I attacked him...& I hurt him.

My attacks were spiteful & cowardly

but they made me feel protected.

I had in the past committed myself to someone

who had inspired a simalar feeling within me...

Only to have that person abuse me to the point

of insanity. I would not let that happen again.

I could not let that happen again!

But I couldn't just walk away either;

I pursued him relentlessly.

I wanted to trust him;

I wanted to touch him...

To let him touch me;

not just my body but my mind;

not just my mind but heart.

He never struck back

& that made me want him more.

When I danced with him he didn't stop me.

When he walked away I wanted to cry.

When I hurt him I wounded myself.

I'm sorry that I hurt him...

& I'm sorry that I haven't told him...

But I can't be sorry for wanting him...

& I can't be sorry for wanting him to want me.

Why did I write this?