BLIND LEADING BLIND

So...

This is who I am?

This man who is so warped...

I want to look on the bright side;

but that  beautiful dream hides from my eyes.

Is there something I'm supposed to be doing?

Because I feel completely lost.

When I was with Brian, & Rachel, & Amanda,

& Mike, & Jason, & Ron, & Clayton, & Michelle,

& Joe, & Rhonda & the others... I cried &

I laughed, & I felt complete...

The missing pieces of myself - that's what they were.

And when they died they didn't just go away,

but they changed me beyond recognition.

I've never met anyone who has outlived so many

friends in such a short period of time.

I've never met anyone who understood completely...

or didn't think me odd at hearing my story;

I hate that look in their eyes.

And now - here I am - wondering how the broken little

boy that I was has become this broken hearted man.

How did this happen &

what will I do about it?

I can't see.

A few hours ago I was jacking off & the image of me

wearing a blind fold came to me.

I was on a bed & Mark was inside me & touching my lips,

& fucking my mouth... I came hard.

When the fireworks ended & I was left sticky & sweaty...

When I wanted to tell Mark about it...

When I wanted to tell Christopher about all the darkness

that plagues me - I just felt so tired.

And the blindfold fell...

And the teardrops came with it...

And this aching is so pure that it's blinding.