1996

Late summer

Late for work

Too late to save the kitten

crushed under my army boot...

Too shocked to move after

that terrible cracking...

Too astonished to understand

what I'd done...

Too frightened to run for help

as the cat looked into my eyes

as it's body convulsed & it's neck

spat blood on livingroom carpet.

It's eyes shone with fear & suffering

& I was too late in understanding...

Too petrified to hold it to me & beg

& to scream & to doubt that I was

to blame.

I woke up Mother with the cries that

I don't remember... I drove to work

with tears streaming for a creature

I never loved.

I feared what my sister would think of me,

though Mother's lies protected me.

But now, years later, I'm haunted by that kitten.

That kitten still shudders & cracks & bleeds -

That feline still looks into my eyes -

begging me for release -

& mewling for the innocence of birth.

And that phantom cat -

That torment -

My victim...

That spurting broken bloody wreck of

flesh brings tears to my eyes & I'm too late

to understand what it is to fear death.