I watched my shadow

as I walked up the stairs.

My shadow was masculine

& sexual.

My shadow belonged to a man

so much more attractive than the

little boy who lived in my body

for so very very long.

I look at my body now & see a man.

I touch my body & press my hand to

my flesh & find it attractive.

My body is beautiful.

But sometimes I feel that my insides;

the parts that could not recover

from the burns & scrapes of christian

childhood will,

& may already have betrayed me.

My outsides are beutiful -

But inside I'm bleeding.

My insides are chaos...

My innards are ruin...

My child within will die & take me with him...

But what a good looking corpse I will be.