UNKNOWN

I'm filled tonight with odd thoughts & hungers -

silent unshed tears & the feeling that for all of this,

that I have the better part of this deal.

"I don't know if I told you this or not..."

but that was a really lame way to tell

me that you were seeing someone -

especially after I had asked you why

you didn't have a boyfriend.

"I don't know if I told you this or not..."

but you didn't choose to tell me about

your guilt in that shaky child's voice that

made me want to hold you even tighter -

until after we fucked for the last time...

I'd like to say we made love - but it just doesn't

seem the right phrase. I mean - making love is

suppsedly all tender & meaningful, so maybe that

is what we did, only it was so hot & hard & fast &

furious that no word seems more accurate than fucking.

But maybe I'm wrong there too. Maybe you were making

love to me. Maybe you won't make love again for a long while

& not just because you aren't with me. Maybe because you

are with him.

Does he even know I exist? Or is it existed? If I lived there would you

still spend time with me? Want to see me? Want to touch me? Would

you invite me to dinner? Make me food that I would eat? Or maybe

I would eat anything that you made for me...

- - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - - -

Does he know about your guilt or how even after you felt that way you chose to fuck me? That I didn't know about him at the time? That I was so infatuated with you that I begged you to fuck me over the phone?

Does he know how you sang to me after looking down on the sparkling city &up at the stars? Or the way you licked my blood up after I confessed how much I liked you? Did I tell you how much that frightened & excited me? That there was no holding back between us - physically at least - though I kept no secrets.

I think about him - probably not knowing who I am & what I was to you. I think about me not knowing what I was; you seemed so earnest & defeated during your final confessions that I was left so confused & still I ached for you.

I think I'm grateful that I got to see that look in your eyes as your gaze locked on something far away & you told me the truth. Grateful that I know about him - & that I know & make my decisions based on the full knowledge of the sitchuation. Maybe I don't know everything - but I seem to know so much more than him. & I know how to touch you & make you whimper & howl... How many nights have you spent in other boys' arms trying to find what you didn't already have? Enough to lose count? But did you tell any of those boys about him or feel guilt after the morning came? Did they see the fire of emotion in your eyes? I doubt it.

Does that mean I'm special? I don't know what to think about that? I mean - I don't think that your feelings of guilt = love for this man. I mean - you chose to follow up on that guilt by not telling me about it right away; first came the fucking of a lifetime.

I mean - did you even tell him about me? Doesn't sound like love to me. Sounds like you found something in a fling with a boy that wasn't supposed to mean anything that got under your skin & made you question things about yourself.

The sound in your voice as you told me made me think that it may have cost you quite a bit to tell me. That you payed such a price makes me think that you must have cared for me. That you didn't tell me right away makes me think that you feared my reaction. That you told me anyways - even when you didn't have to - though you knew somehow that it was the right thing to do - that endears you to me, even as these questions plague my mind with no resolution.

But I think I'd rather be confused than in the dark - even if you held me in that darkness. I'd rather know the whole story & still want you & care about you than to not know & blindly hold you. I'd rather face the whole truth & tell you that I can't regret anything we did; that I remember & I know what it was to kiss you & feel you inside me. That from the moment I first saw you - to that last moment, with the beep of your horn - I was falling for you. I never arrived at that love that I was moving towards the entire time that I knew you... But I would have; I still might... Nothing is certain.

I can't express to you how much I still want to ravish you; to hold you down & make you writhe & moan & gush: "Damn."

Would he say the same if he knew the truth? I would never tell him. But maybe I'm underestimating him? Maybe he already knows & loves you deeply? If so I'd give the man his due & burn for you from afar; silent & stricken.

But if he doesn't know - maybe you should ask yourself why it is that I do? Why you are with him when you can't tell him the truth? But maybe you have & I'm just running on about nothing... I mean - I just don't know - there are so many unknowns. & it isn't like we would be together; you & I. That path is hard & probably unattainable. But does that mean that you should be with him? Isn't there another option?

So I'm grateful that he is not unknown to me; that I know you are with him. I'm grateful that I saw your pain & confusion; that I can have that inside of me forever. Grateful that I've seen sides of you not available to the naked eye.

And I can't keep my feelings unexpressed

or unknown.

Though you may choose to keep me thus.

© NOVEMBER 22, 2000 By Jason Wright