Friday, May 30, 2008

7 Years of Hell

Alright. So 7 years ago, this August I started throwing up food. Randomly. The doctor said it was severe acid reflux, which I figured was probably right. I mean, my whole family has acid reflux to some degree. I took the meds they told me too. I'd already cut the bad food stuffs out of my diet...

Only I never got better. There were times when I was ok, but it never lasted. They kept upping my dosage. I take 40MG of Prilosec a day, plus 20MG of Zantac - that's like way over the norm. And food continues to eject from my mouth at fairly regular intervals.

7 years of this. It hasn't been fun. And it's curtailed & informed a lot of my behavior. I hate to travel. I don't socialize as much as I'd like. I don't get as close to people as I'd like. I don't go to school & I hardly work. It's even hard to work out... It's also hard to not stop eating all together, which I'm surprised I've managed to do. I'm surprised that I've survived at all, actually, so I know I'm stronger than I would have thought.

Yesterday, I saw the doctors again, with high hopes that a new medication my help me out...only it didn't turn out like I hoped. I actually ended up weeping in the doctor's office, and not with joy in my heart. It turns out I probably don't have acid reflux at all, or at least not to the degree that my symptoms would seem to suggest...which makes a certain amount of sense. The meds should be helping and they're not. Some foods that shouldn't bother me, do. Others that should bother me, that I've risked eating, haven't bothered me. The down side to this, is that it's possible that my condition isn't treatable....which could possibly crush me.

I mean...7 years is enough of this shit. I can't even believe it's been that long. That my life has been on hold for that long...because that's how it feels. Like I've been waiting on the sidelines while life just rolls on by. I'm afraid I'm nearing my limit.

However, it's possible that there is a medication that can help me. I have to have some tests done, which I've scheduled for June 10 & June 12. One of them involves me eating radioactive food and then tracking where the food goes to and for how long. The other involves them sticking a PH Strip up my nose, down my throat, and into my stomach - which would stay there for 24 hours. After those tests come back, we move on from there... hopefully with new info, or at least some confirmation that we're headed in the right direction, and we can try this new medication that might help prevent me throwing up constantly. That's what I want. That's what's been holding me back in so many aspects of my life that I can't even express to you how debilitating, humiliating, or insufferable it's been.

So...I'm trying to hold on a bit longer. I'm usually ok. I mean...it sucks, but often you wouldn't know it to look at me. I look good. I look healthy. My doctors all comment on that. And I'm usually in good spirits, or as good as can be expected. But there are moments where it all seems pointless, and I just want to end it. I was supposed to work today. I really wanted to see everyone...only it wasn't possible. I missed a wedding last Saturday. I miss a lot of things...and I'm so tired of pretending I'm ok, when I'm not. My friends understand and don't hold it against me...which I'm grateful for, but that just isn't enough for me anymore. I need this to end.

Wish me luck.

   posted by Bald Jason at 03:09 PM
   [Karma: 0 (+/-)] [1 Comments]