Tuesday, July 29, 2008

When Mark got home from work, we cuddled and had a nice chat about everything that's going on lately with his work, and my collage and stuff. That's one of the really great things of living with one of your best friends. :-0)

Later I ate, but my pills didn't work. The thing is, that I can eat a lot of one thing, but not another, so my learning curve is far more complex than if the amount of food I could eat was a constant. I'm sure I'll eventually pick up on all the intricate measurements and stuff...and if I don't, at least the pills help most of the time. ;-0)

I went to Necto last night, and had a mostly fabulous time, meeting new peeps like Patrick, Ruth, Liz & Liz - while running into other recent peeps, and old friends like Steven. But even though these people made my night better, my night was haunted by the unforseen disaster which ended (or at the very least, devastated) what I expected to be a continuing friendship with Preston Clayton.

To get the story of of Preston you can read old entries here, here, here, here, here & here. I think that's all the entries in which he's mentioned. If you don't want to read all that, I can try to explain our brief history here, but if you've read this part you can skip this re-introduction.

I met 18yo Preston James Clayton at the Aut Bar in the early morning hours of Thursday July 17, 2008. We struck up a conversation after he grabbed my shoulder while walking out of the bar. The converation continued after his friends left; after it began to rain; after we went back in the bar...and left the bar, and hung out in my car. It was nice. He amused me. I amused him, or so he said. I went home that morning feeling good about this new friendship with this interesting fellow.

We chatted online soon after. He told me I should go to Necto on Monday because he was going to be there. I ran into him there, and I brought him home with me after he told me he was homeless. He told me that he'd been thrown out by his prostitute Grandmother (whom his parents live with, in Manchester) for being gay!?! I over-identified complelely. I showered with him, and let him sleep in my bed, but wouldn't let him have sex with me; telling him that it seemed like he needed friends now, far more than he needed a boyfriend. He stayed until 4pm the next day and then wandered downtown to meet some friends. Later he e-mailed me this message:

----- Original Message -----
From: "Preston Clayton"
To: [e-mail removed]
Sent: Tuesday, July 22, 2008 8:34 PM
Subject: Hey Sir.

Hey Jason,

So this is the only email I have for you so I thought I might as well email you instead of leaving a voice mail on your phone :-P

I am really glad we spent the night together. You made me really happy. I haven't actually enjoyed life in a while. I was being truthful when I said that you scared me just for the fact of you caring. Not very many people do and when they do it just ends up being a charade.

I am careful who I trust now-a-days. But, I sit here smelling my shirt and it smells like you. I can't help but smile and wish I was still there with you. While you were sleeping I laid there awake for a little bit and contempated my decisions about my lifestyle choices in the whole "Togetherness" Factor.

You really made my heart skip a beat when you said "Friends" because for some reason at that exact moment I was thinking of use actually being together. I don't want to be a charity case at all. I have struggled and yet I still survive.

I miss you already. I really do care about you.

Love,

Preston
------------------

Which I thought was really sweet. But I had just talked to him on the phone before I got this message, and I had come to the conclusion that I had been right not to jump the gun on doing anything with him, sweet and cute though he was. The 'Love' part didn't escape my attention. I needed to reaffirm that I liked him, but that now wasn't the best time to start anything. I responded thusly:

----- Original Message -----
From: [e-mail removed]
To: "Preston Clayton"
Sent: Wednesday, July 23, 2008 1:17 AM
Subject: Re: Hey Sir.

"To Sir, With Love" - I love that movie...and song.

I just got this e-mail. I didn't get it before I called you.

Anything sent to @gothboboy.com will come to me. [e-mail addresses removed because I don't want spam] I own gothboy.com. ;-0)

I'm glad we spent last night together too. I've enjoyed your company since the moment I met you, and last night was no exception. Aside from the tickling. lol It makes me feel good that I could make you smile...and be happy. You were doing the same things for me. It was very balanced; very equal.

My caring about you isn't a charade; I can assure you of that. But maybe you don't understand why I care. I tried to explain this a little bit in that you remind me of myself a little bit, and of how lucky I've been. I want to make sure you are as lucky. I've also been quite taken with your strength, and your humor and your innocence...and your everything really.
When I was younger I had similar friends who didn't survive. You remind me of them a lot, and I'd hate to see you end up like them. It would hurt me.

I understand about the shirt thing. After you left, my bed smelled like you, and it made me smile. It sort of felt like you were still there, holding me. It might seem odd that someone so much older than you would find that comforting, but I did. I wouldn't have told you if you hadn't
mentioned the shirt. ;-0)

I don't think of you as a charity case at all. I admire you. I admire your strength of character, and youre ability to surive circumstances than many others do not; can not; choose not too. You've endeared yourself to me in ways that you (and maybe I) can't begin to comprehend. I think you're cute, funny, original, sexy, sad, shocking, sweet, inspiring and all kinds of other things that I don't have room to list here. I look forward to getting to know you better.

About the 'friends' thing. I'm attracted to you, which I think is more than obvious. And I care about you (which I hope you believe because it's the truth), and I don't want to ever hurt you. Part of the friend thing is that it just seems with so much upset in your life right now, that adding a relationship to the mix might not be the best decision for us. I mean...relationships can be hard under the best of circumstances, but neither one of us is at a great place at the moment - though our circumstances are very different. I'm not worried about the age difference. I'm worried that if we were to dive into something right now we might regret it later. Part of that, is that while I'm officially 'single', I've been sleeping with 2 of my ex-boyfriends, and been seeing this guy named Jordan. I've never done anything like this in my entire life before, and that alone is confusing to me. I'm not lying to anyone, or holding anything back (and none of them has a problem with my behavior - unless they're being dishonest with me), but I feel weird about the whole situation, and I know it can't last. Then there's all this stuff where I'm dealing with all these new drugs I'm on and how they make me feel. You don't even know about all of them. Some of them affect my mood, and I'm working with my doctors to master all these crazy things. Basically, what I'm saying is that me wanting to be friends with you isn't about me not liking you, but about me liking you a lot. I don't want to drag you into my madness and fuck you over.

But even that isn't a refusal of the possabilities between us. I mean...Why the rush? I mean...if we start out as friends, I think we'll be friends forever. And perhaps we'll become something more. If we do, that would be fantastic! If we don't...friendship really isn't that bad. :-0) I mean...sure I'll be jealous of the people you date, and probably say mean things about them...lol...but that's just me being me. I'll look out for you. And you'll know that I actually care about it, and I'm not trying to use you - or look after you just because you give killer head...or have a cock that makes me want to do naughty things. lol :-0)

There's more that I want to say but I feel like I'm tired and rambling. I'm sorry if I've said too much; I have a hard time censoring myself. But I've really enjoyed all the time we've spent together, and I'd like to spend even more time with you. And the thought of you thinking about your life...in relation to me, while I was asleep, makes me smile. The idea of you enjoying the smell of me on your shirt makes my heart sing. And the idea of knowing you for the rest of our lives is such a joy, that I can't even begin to express it.

That's all for now.

Ok? :-0)

Bald Jason
http://www.gothboy.com
---------------------------

Later on, the same day I sent him my reply, I invited him to see Hellboy II with me and some friends, but he was busy, shopping at the Adrian Mall with his Uncle, where he got new sandals. He told me that he bought something for me as well, and that I'd find out what it was the next time I kissed him. I never found out what he got me, and now I doubt I ever will.

The next day, Thursday July 24, Preston invited me downtown to meet some of his friends. He didn't have my gift with him, which was fine with me; that's not why I wanted to hang out with him. He was tripping on Molly (ecstacy) that he'd bought for $10 from a 'friend'. I still went to see him though, and we had a nice visit. Apparently the drug wasn't really working. I took him to Pizza House and bought him some soup. While we were alone he was so cool, but when we were around his friends he acted more stand offish, which I didn't understand. I came back to see him and his friends later that night on my way to get groceries, but they were just heading out to one of their homes on North Campus and had to catch a bus; Preston seemed to be stoned again.

On Friday, July 25, I saw Preston at Necto, and he seemed happy to see me, insisting that I dance with him. I gave him a poem that I had written that day for him, trying to express how much I enjoyed spending time with just him, because I liked who he was when it was just the two of us; here is that poem:

Mystery of Preston

From the first moment...

I've loved who you are
when it's only just us...

Nothing distracting the truth
of the two of us.

Just our eyes locked
across voids we can't place...

The hurt and the kindness
as it lights up your face...

The pain you keep hidden
and the light you can't see...

I like you best
when you are with me.

Written by Jason Wright
July 25, 2008

For: Preston James Clayton
---------------------------

Preston told me that he liked the poem, and then he kissed me. He seemed to be annoyed that I wasn't dancing as much as he was, but I told him that I didn't like the music. I spent a lot of time with another boy named Dwayne, who was encouraging people to register to vote, at a booth, and promoting Obama for President. Dwayne was amusing me, and I wasn't dating Preston, so I didn't see a problem with this; especially since I'd just given Preston a poem explaining just how much I enjoyed spending time with him. At the end of the night, Preston accidentally punched me in the nose, but apologised profusely for it, and said he felt like shit. I thought it was just an accident. I was hoping that we'd get to hang out after the bar, but he had to go to a friend's house.

I didn't talk to Preston on Saturday or Sunday, or Monday before the bar. I arrived at Necto Monday night (July 28), and some of Preston's friends told me he was there, and some of them even hugged me, which was nice. I assumed all was right with the world. Only it wasn't. I couldn't find Preston, which wasn't that surprising since I'm pretty blind without my glasses, and I'd left them in the car. I later ran into Preston's friend Jeremy, who asked me if I'd seen Preston, and then told me that Preston was 'rolling hard'; that he'd taken some drug for the first time, and that he couldn't stop dancing; that his friend Angie had to physically pull him off the dance floor because they were afraid he was going to die of dehydration! I later caught up with Preston and asked him if he was going to be ok, but he just kept telling me he was fine. I don't really enjoy being around people when they're tripping, and he was chilling with his buds, so I went my own way.

I started hanging out with this guy that I'd met earlier, while looking for Preston, named Patrick. It actually turned out that Patrick knew Preston, as did most of Patrick's friends, which I didn't expect. That actually turned out to be a good thing. One of the friend's, a cute almost 23yo named Ruth (who took some fun pictures of me), told me that Preston was talking shit about me; saying that I was stalking him, and that I'd written a poem for him, and that he was planning on punching me at the end of the night!?! I was so in shock, which was obvious to everyone, and they just fell on me in a kind of group comforting...which saved my night from going to Hell. They seriously made me have a good time, when everything said that I shouldn't. It didn't hurt that Patrick was so adorable, and the girls were so funny, sweet, and lively. I took them all out to Pizza House after the bar, and we had a blast. Ruth said she'd e-mail me the pictures, along with some really monstrous e-mails that she had from Preston, to demonstrate what a drama queen he really is, which is why all these people that knew preston first were on my side. I even showed them all the calls in my history from Preston to me, to show them that I wasn't stalking him, but that there was an exchange of calls and texts and things. But they didn't need to be convinced; they just knew he was fucked up. They didn't know he was on anything though. Ruth and Patrick wanted me to come to Necto on Friday, but I told them it wasn't really my music, and I didn't want to see Preston, but Ruth says she'll keep him away from me, and one of the Liz girls said if he hit me she'd punch him in the throat, which made me smile.

We were all tired after all that drama, so I showed them how to get back to Main Street, and a gas station, and then we went our separate ways.

When I got home, I typed a lot of this out, and then accidentally deleted it. I talked to Mark for awhile, and then started again. While the mistake was annoying, it helped me order my thoughts, so this turned out far better this time around.

Now I don't know what to think about Preston. I took him off my top 40 Myspace Friends list. I blocked him on AIM & Yahoo Messanger. I don't want to talk to him for fear of him using that as more ammo in the Jason is a stalker shit storm...but I don't understand what the fuck happened, except that I think I do. I think that my caring for him bothered him, and freaked him out - I mean, he told me that himself in person and that e-mail - so he felt scared. Then he saw me talking to other guys, so now he's scared I'm gonna hurt him, and jealous. Then he adds drugs to the mix. And I think that this combination turned him into a little bitch. But does that mean the friendship is over? I think that mostly depends on what he does next.

Anyways, I think I'm gonna switch my new galleries on so that they replace the old galleries, and then just continue to work on them while people gawk at them; that's how I used to work on them. That way people can see the new galleries now, which already hold more pictures than the old ones ever did. ;-0)

   posted by Bald Jason at 05:25 AM
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