Wednesday, August 6, 2008

Ok.

So I just had a fantastic wank. Which probably wasn't on the highly recommended list, as I was beginning to get a migrain, and these things can make them worse, or kind of pointless, but it actually turned out extremely well. Then I took my midrin, which I'm ever grateful for, and took a long hot, invigorating shower. I love to shower, but lately they've not being doing much for me. Neither has masturbation now that I think about it...And I think part of that is that I have a lot on my mind.

So why not clear the air.

I broke up with my last boyfriend, Michael, about 5 or 6 months ago. He was, and is, an amazing man, who I want to remain friends with. It just wasn't going to work out with us as a couple, which sucked, because he's way cool! And he's an amazing lover. So amazing that I've been having sex with him fairly regularly ever since we broke up, which has never been a problem for us. Except I suspect that now it might be, or is about to be, or something to that effect.

See...I've realized recently, that though we're both single, and enjoying the sex isn't a bad thing (and we both agree our sex is fantastic)... Well... If Michael were to start dating someone it would hurt me. And that's bad. That's very bad. That means I'm emotionally attached to something that should just be friendly, casual, amazingly intense sex - with someone I can trust and depend on...

But it's more complicated than that. When isn't it? So, Michael just moved in with this guy Chris, who is also super cool, but who is (to my point of view) in love with Michael. Now we all know how each of us feels, but I somehow always end up feeling guilty for hanging on to Michael, when there's this sweet guy there, who perhaps has deeper feelings for Mikey than I do (though I do love Michael; I'm just not in love with Michael) - even though Michael doesn't return this guy's feelings. It's brought up all kinds of odd feelings and questions. Because someday someone will fall for Michael, and Michael will fall back, and then what happens to me? I know we'll most likely always remain friends, but if we're still fucking like bunnies and then I'm cut off that's gonna suck. Or...if we don't stop, and it prevents Michael from falling madly in love with the guy he more than deserves, that will suck too, even if it provides us both with lots of orgasms...

And there's more...

I've been kind of seeing, this guy Jordan for several months. Kind of, because it's like once or twice a month, rather than once or twice a week. Also, when we first started hanging out, and having sex, he told me that he wasn't the boyfriend type, or something to that effect, which I came to accept, and I made my peace with that, and just enjoyed his company...figuring as long as I was open with everyone, and nobody was getting hurt, than we were all ok. But then something changed. Last time I saw Jordan, which was last week, he told me again that if I wanted to be with anyone else not to let him stop me, and he would never be jealous, accept...he admitted that it would bother him. That, to me, means that a line has been crossed, and things are beginning to change. But what does that mean exactly? I mean...I told myself that this guy wasn't really a boyfriend type guy, and I've been fine with that ever since...but what if that's not the case? Am I involved without ever having realized it. I'm not in love with the guy. I've never lied to him, and I don't intend to, but his confession has thrown me for a loop...and I'm not sure I understand where that leaves me or us.

Then there is Patrick. I met Patrick at Necto a little over a week ago. He's funny, and cute, and all kinds of things that make him the kind of boy I'd date if I were single. And until the previous week I was officially single. Only I wasn't really is my feeling now. Is that ok? Is that really where things stand? Should I change things? Should I stay where I am?

I think I should talk to Michael about how I'm feeling. Of the 3 guys, he's the one I know best, and my best friend of the bunch. I want to clear up some of the confusion that's lurking in my brain (and fear, because I am very afraid), and get his feedback. I want to tell him how much I've enjoyed our time together as lovers (and that's not bullshit, because I really, REALLY have) - and not just on a physical level; I really think it's healed a lot of wounds that I didn't even know that I had, and our evolving relationship has taken me down several paths which I'd never dared follow before, inspiring me now, and most likely for the rest of my life. I love him. Writing this out makes things in this area seem at least that simple.

The thing with Jordan...is less clear. He's always been hard for me to read. I thought he hated me at first, but I was later convinced that was wrong. lol Of course I don't see him often enough to know him as well as I should after all this time, and that's at least part of the problem - he still feels a bit random to me. But I know he's sweet, and gentle, and we have something, though I'm not sure what it is. I need to sort that out. There's nothing bad there; it's all good; but is it enough? When we were just fooling around, playing together for friendly fun, it was. But is there enough there to sustain something more? I'm not sure that there is, but I've been wrong many times before, and know that I shouldn't jump to conclusions here. This guy is really cool. He's thoughtful, and generous, and he's never done anything to hurt me...which sadly, separates him from most of the men that I've dated. I need to think about this, and talk to him, and probably think about this some more.

And Patrick...he knows I'm trying to sort all this out, because I told him so. And he's being very understanding about it, even when I'm being "a bitch and a half". And I'm grateful. I'm grateful for all of them actually. None of these men are my enemies, and I'd like to keep it that way.

Now I'm going to take my eating pill, have some cookies, and sleep. I have to work today.

I feel better now.

   posted by Bald Jason at 06:00 AM
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