Friday, January 18, 2002

Former Live Journal Entry

Broken

So it has happened at long last... I'm broken. I have no money (which is my own fault) & the guy who supports me is broke now, which can only lead to work :-0( Poor me. WHATEVER. lol

My phone line has been shut off, & I can't be online 24/7 as I have been for the last 5 years... it sux...but o'well. I still have my cell phone...

Besides that, I haven't written in a while, because I often can't get on here for some reason... And when I can, I usually spend my time reading old entries of my friend Darla - it's great cause I can hear her voice in my head when I read it & it's like I'm in her life...or maybe I'm crazy.

I'm dating this boy, who is way kewl - his parents love me; his lil bro worships me & all his friends seem to be starting a bald jason cult... his name is Sean & he's 16. I met him at a Tori Amos concert back in October & we'd kept in touch. I was the first guy to ever kiss him, though I wasn't the first to offer. He's so adorable, though he doesn't seem to know it, which is cute & a little sad. He's very OUT & way kewler than I was at 16... the funny thing is, I was the only one who had a problem with the age difference... now I don't. But several of my "friends" do, & they have been cruel to him. It's made me re-evaluate some things...

Before this guy I was sort of seeing this boy named Dean who is 24, but seemed more like a 12 yo. He likes Disney movies; worship Harry Potter, & his voice sounds prepubescent, although his body was anything but... His smile was amazing & the sex was great... it was just when we had to talk that things sucked. I don't have that problem with Sean. I haven't told Dean that I'm seeing someone seriously yet... I don't know what to tell him that won't sound harsh, so I was going to leave that alone, but one of his friends saw me in a chat room & told me that I hurt him. I feel crappy about that, & I was going to call & then I was struck again that I don't have anything to say to him. I want him to be happy, & it isn't going to happen with me - great sex does not = happiness. If it did, I'd be bending him over about now...

Speaking of, I need to get tested before I lose all control with Sean... arg.

I'm not sure I'm close with anyone anymore... I don't think I have any close friends.

I still talk to Jennifer, Paul, Darla, & Kelli... when I have the chance. They are like my old circle of friends... but we all seemed to have drifted... I don't see Adam anymore, not that we were ever that close. Can't believe I was obssessed with that boy for so long. I never go to City Club or Labyrinth anymore. The people I've been hanging out with the last couple of years... Mollie, Adam(2), Carrie... well... I think Mollie is the only one who has never betrayed me or hurt me; she makes me laugh; in a lot of ways she reminds me of Darla, only calmer. Darla can be really harsh sometimes, but I know it's not "her". I mean, I like that about her...maybe because I know what's underneath all that bullshit.
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"You want somebody, for a very long time, & then you have them, & they love you, & they make love to you, but it's not enough; this is the truth about sex."

Parker Posey - The House Of Yes
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The House Of Yes is one of my favorite movies & I find myself quoting it a lot lately... That quote is my favorite, & it made me cry the first time I heard it. I must have rewound that scene a million times.

arg. off track.

Carrie & I used to have so much in common... she used to cut herself, & I was the only one who could get through to her; she was released into my custody from a hospital once, on New Year's Eve. It kind of binded us together, mostly because of my history with such things... But I kind of feel like she's a completely different person now, which I guess is understandable. Or maybe the problem isn't that she has changed, but that I'm not sure if I have...

This March will be 10 years since I turned my arms inside out with a kitchen knife & ended up in a hospital...where I met my first real friends. They all died within the next 3 years. It's on my mind lately.

I met a boy back in '97 who reminded me of the hospital kids, & I wrote about him & how nice it was knowing that I'd probably live longer than someone who made me feel the way they did; he overdosed in December. He had moved back to Ann Arbor & worked in my favorite hang out & I didn't even know it... not until he was gone. Another passing aquaintence offed himself in December as well. It flashes through my head.

I got a call from my pal Kelli the other night... we got disconnected & she called back but I was in the shower. I should have called her back, but I didn't think of it 'till now... Also, while I think it is fun to see Kelli, we haven't been close for many years... And everytime she calls she seems to want a ride somewhere, which I find annoying. The e-mails she sends me are fucking creepy & while she will probably read this, I guess I don't care anymore. I really enjoy seeing her in person... But her e-mails & some of the comments that she makes in them weird me out; not in a good way. I want her to be well & good & all that shit... but I'm not sure that she is... And I don't know what I can do for her, as I'm often on the brink myself.

Anyways...

My roomie Mark & I dated for 4 years - we've been ex for 2. He takes care of me & we are great friends... but... I don't know. It just seems like I used to be surrounded by great people, & now...I'm not. Maybe I took them for granted... I know I worried about them... I mean, after the hospital, I was convinced I would outlive everyone, & I used to worry constantly about my friends. I'd wake them up in the middle of the night, crying, wondering if they were ok. I used to take pix of them constantly; never left home without my camera. I've gotton over that I guess.

I have acid reflux...really bad. it sux cause I have to take this expensive pill everyday just so I can eat. And even then I feel ill. I'll be sick like this for the rest of my life. It makes me feel old.

arg. why am I bitching like this? I need to go get some sleep or something... I have to pick up Sean later. He's coming over for the weekend (again)... I bought The Hobbit on DVD & we're going to watch it, & then see Fellowship Of The Ring in theaters... (I've seen it twice - it's awesome) We're going to a party Saturday night at my friend Ryan's house; Mark is going with us. Ryan is one of the hottest Trannie-Bois I know (& I know many); I wanted to go out with him for the longest time, but I he seems to fear me rejecting him even after I assured him I was kewl with who & what he was. arg.

Anyways - I apologise for the spelling in this & the lack of direction, but this has actually made me feel a little better.

(Thanx Dar)

Bald Jason

Current Mood: thoughtful
Current Music: Peter Gabriel - "Here Comes The Flood"

   posted by Bald Jason at 04:26 AM
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